Son vs Boyfriend

[Meshuka06]

Good da all,

I hope and pray that this forum will assist me in solving the dilema I found myself in. I started dating my boyfriend in July this year and for the sake of my son I was not in a relationship for the past 5years after I'd broke off with his dad. My son is anti my new boyfriend which is quite sad because I am in love with this man and we are planning to get married soon. My son is 9years old and he bluntly told me that he doesnt like my boyfriend and he is not comfortable around him. I am 30 years old and my boyfriend is 41. We had a chat comparing our relationship and i tried to explain that my boyfriend intentions is not to take me away from him and nor to replace his dad but he made it clear that he hates him. There was a time when i told him that we planning to get married soon and he burst into tears and said "I can rather stay with my dad", he is treating me like his girlfriend because ther was a time when he said: " daddy can have girlfriends but you not allowed to have a boyfriend" I was completly stunned and horrified! I need to your help!!!!!!!!!!!

[specialmom]

You are obviously the most important figure in  your son's life.  You've provided stability and continuity for him and he has come to depend on this.  He should remain  your number one priority in my opinion.  That is not probably what you want to hear though.

I wouldn't get married at this point (and really, it hasn't been all that long to go from dating to marriage especially with your young son in the mix).  I just wouldn't do it.  You are going to cause such stress bringing this man into your home with your son that everyone (including your relationship) will suffer.  So, what is the rush?  Date and date and date.  If your son comes around then great and if not, that should tell you something.  Perhaps he sees something you don't.  This is your first relationship in a long while (which was appropriate in my opinion and I'm glad you took that time for your son's sake) so relax and wait awhile.  If it is meant to be it will eventually happen.  But if I didn't have some acceptance on my child's part, I would think otherwise.  You'd be heading for disaster.  Are you willing to let your son go to his dad's?  Are you willing to live in a house with that kind of tension?  Are you willing to cause pain in your son's heart?

And as far as the he treats me like a girlfriend bit, cut that out.  That is insulting to your son's feelings.  You are his mother and he has every right to worry how this will change HIS life.  Good luck.

[Meshuka06]

Thank you, your advice is much appreciated.

[91004]

Totally agree with the other post. I am a single mother and would never marry someone my son hated. Yes your happiness is important but your son should come first.

It seems to me if you marry him anyway your son will just be pushed away. I agree also in your son treating you like a girlfriend he is your son and he deserves to be heard he shouldn't be miserable so you can be happy.

[Sarah1013]

I agree with the other ladies. I wouldn't say never marry him, but give your son a while to get adjusted to this. And if after a decent amount of time he is still acting that way talk to him about why he doesnt like him. If he has legitimate reasons you should seriously consider whether you want to be with this man or not. But it sounds to me like its not so much this one man as it is he just doesnt want you dating in general. You cant let him rule your life. But do listen to what he has to say.

[Meshuka06]

Thank you  Sarah for you comment, I must say am working so hard on this and I know that the guardian angel will guide us and give a solution. We are on a journey and I am aware that he needs time to adjust for seeing his mom with a man :-). At first though i thought that my son was concern about communicatio since my boyfriend is Deaf but i thought otherwise because am from a deaf family. Both my parents and uncle are deaf so communication is not a problem, I think my son is fearing the unknown and i guess with time we will all be fine :-), not after what i experienced with his dad because he was very abusive and sometimes he used to beat me up in from of him. I just pray that my son will see the beauty and love inside my boyfriends soul. He is such a beautiful and caring soul. Willing to share what he has with those who are in need :-). But thanks again, time heals and he will be ok I know that! xoxox

[akiki]

I don't know how even it came to this stage that you are so in love and decided to get married - and your son doesn't like him.  When I meet a new man, I frist watch how is his interaction with my child, what is his attitude to children in general, what kind of substiture parent would he make for my daugher?  This is the first and main thing I am concerned with - but I guess I am a mother first and a woman last...If I do not see a good interaction, friendly manner, caring attitude in this man towards my child -  if I see my child is not comfortable around his and it's not improving - it's thank you and good bye   There are many men around and they can come and go but I have only one child and my child is my priority.   I don't know how long you were dating this man - but surely you must have noticed before that your son doesn't like him.  He must have felt hurt and betrayed that you were connecting with someone he wants nothing to do with.  Sorry, I do not want to lecture - just describing my own "man-qualifying" method.

Yes, dating and relationships are tough when you are a single mother.  I also agree with the others here - I wouldn't bring anybody else permanently into aour home if my child doen't like them.  Especially at your son's age, 9 - I mean he is going to be a tween and teenager soon - he should feel comfortable, understood and welcome at his own home.  You don't want him to get depressed or withdraw into drugs... We should do everything we can so that our children do not feel alienated or not welcome... Or even jealous of our new partners.  This is probably the most important thing in our lives-it's enough for them to have to handle the fact that their family is not complete the way it is - we should not make things harder on them..
If, as you say, your boyfriend is such a good man, sooner or later your son will notice this - and - your son is about to grow up and get other interests soon anyway , so I would just wait - give it time.  But I guess you gave it some time already --- and your son doesn't want him.  Maybe it's now your time to choose -try to limit the time you spend with your boyfriend... Anyway, how does he imagine being married to you when your son hates him.  That would create a very disfunctional family and nobody will be looking forward to family meals or holidays.  It is hard, but sometimes we have to make hard choices....
Also, it doesn't hurt to ask what it is specifically that your son doesn't like about your friend??  Or maybe it's you - There must be something - maybe you shower your boyfriend with too much attention?  You don;t say much about this man, so I don't know...Some men may be good for women, but they are not that much into children..so that's perhaps why your son and him have no connection...
I hope things work our in your family and you maintain a happy and safe home for your child

[91004]

I do the same thing. If a man don't connect with my child then that is it for me. I don't care what anyone says your child comes first in my eyes anyway.

[Sarah1013]

If a child is determined that he doesnt want his mother dating then he isnt going to connect with ANY man she brings home. Keeping this man out of her life isnt solving the problem its just showing her son that he can get his way. They are going to have to work through it together and when he learns that it is okay for mommy to be with someone then he will likely be able to connect.

[specialmom]

Perhaps it is okay for a child to be selfish and not ready for their mother to date.  I would be able to live with that.  Eventually, and probably sooner than most mom's would like, they go on with their own lives and then we can worry more about ourselves.  Not to mention dating and going right into marriage really isn't wise.  Especially when the last relationship was abusive.  No one wants to put their own needs on hold but is it better for an emotionally mature woman to do so or a child?  I choose the mom.  Just my opinion.  Besides, we don't know the whole story.  Love is blind and I'm guessing there is more to it than stated.  And if she marries this man with such tension, the relationship is doomed.  That is a statistical fact.  I do wish her the absolute best of luck and hope she is able to make a wise decision and no one should feel judged.  It is her life to live and all are just giving their opinions as she asked.  As am I.  I'm not judging.  I'm just giving my opinion of what I would do.

[Meshuka06]

Ladies,

We blowing this out of proportion, my son has been exposed to no man in last 5 years hence his reaction. Sarah, you are spot on gal, I am not supporting Sarah's comments just because I am blind to see the disaster lying ahead. My son doesnt want to see me with any man, just to share this joke there was a time when he said: "Mommy you know that I am the boss of this house and I am your husband" :-). I do appreciate that my son is trying to protect mommy from hurt and the cruel World out there but I think am ready to have a relationship I am 30 years old for God's sake and dont get me wrong my son is my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. Even his teachers are very much impressed about my son in general be it his perfomance at school, his mannerism, there way he interacts with his peers at school. I am from a very conservative family and my parents gave thier all for us to have stability in our family and thats what i have been doing for the past 9years of his life. My dad was very protective of us, he didnt want us to play with our peers because he thought they will take advantage of us because we are from a deaf family. I dont want to dwell much on this as Sarah has corrrectly said eventually we will come alright in this. My boyfriend is so loving and caring, whats funny is that at first my son didnt have a problem with him because at our first outing i didnt introduce as my boyfriend but as a friend and things were fine at that time. BUT after 3months when I felt that it was the right time for me to telll him that am seeing someone I got that reaction from him. My sons reaction is justified because its just been the 2 of us and not easy for him to adjust to this new man who he percieves as envading our World. Thats how he sees it and I guess this is how am going to approach it. We will take things step by step as they say and eventually things will work for the betterment of all parties involved!

Your comments are appreciated though!! :-)

[specialmom]

Just wanted to say that I do wish you the best of luck no matter what happens!  It is tough work being a mom----  we all know it.  

[akiki]

Honey- you are ONLY 30! (smiling face)
You are still very young....
Don't get into any committed  relationship too quick.  Maybe you should date a few men before you decide - or have you?

Anyway, it's better to wait with getting married till you are 40 - at least (smiling face)  No rush with that stuff, really

Btw, your son is growing up and maturing very nicely and what he tells you is so  sweet.  It seems like he will develop into a strong and caring man one day.  Good luck

[Meshuka06]

Thank you :-)

I must he is very sweet and well mannered, its very pleasant to be around him. His peers can atest to that.

[sc00b3rt227]

You decided to be a parent.  By bringing this man into your household/life you have brought unnecessary drama to your child.  This CHILD does not have the ability to cope with an adult relationship, and should not be made to until he himself is an adult.  Unfortunately you made the choice to be a parent with the WRONG man.  Your child shouldn't have to pay for that mistake.  If you want to remarry, wait until your child is out of the house.  That way your mistakes are your own, and aren't imposed on him.

[Meshuka06]

I dont think you understand this and you will never understand. I will appreciate that you keep your judgements to yourself and unfounded facts. Thank you :-)