Sons behavior toward the man in my life

I am a divorced from an abusive and controlling man.  I am dating a very nice man that tries to get along with my children. My daughter is fine with him. But my son says he hates him. He never leaves my side when we are all together. He tends to be outwardly rude to my gentleman friend, something I don't tolerate.  But when I punish him for his actions.(Take away a privilage) He blames me for his misbehavior. He got along fine with him when we were just friends so I don't think it is about his dislike for my friend. I don't know if this is typical behavior for a 10 yr old, or if it is a control thing he picked up from his father.  We are seeking counseling, but with my financial situation it is taking time to find an inexpensive solution.  Any comments or advice would be helpful until we do. Thank you very much.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Susan,

Children are very loyal to their parents, even when there have been problems with a parent's behavior - "blood is thicker than water", after all.

It's not easy for a child of ten to accept the involvement in his life of a surrogate parent. Just the very presence is a reminder that the child doesn't have his biological parent available to him in the way he would wish. This occurs in spite of the personality of the surrogate, but of course the situation would be exacerbated if the person himself behaves in a way that generates dislike. Fortunately, your friend seems to be a nice person.

I would speak openly with your son about the situation and his thoughts about it. Keep setting reasonable limits. Regardless of the difficulty for him, he's not entitled to treat other people in a bad way.

[Been There Myself]

Susan,
I'm not a doctor but I can offer you my own insight from when I was a child.  My parents separated when I was 2 and divorced when I was 4.  During that time I saw my father sporadically.  He was not controlling or abusive but he was definitely not a great husband to my mother.  I do not remember the bad things about him, only the good things (as most young children do).  My mother began dating a man when I was 4.  He was very nice to me and I liked him.  When it appeared that my mother was becoming serious about him, I then became very hostile towards him.  They eventually married and, while we had a decent relationship, I have spent the better part of my life NOT being very nice to him.  Now that I am an adult, I can look back and see that it all started when I was very young and I had this real need to be loyal to my biological father.  Since I could not see his flaws or understand much, I felt that being nice to my stepfather was somehow betraying my real father.  By the way, I was eight when my mother married him and I was still acting no better.  My stepfather was/is a very caring man and treated me very well, but I was (and still can be) such a jerk to him!!  I think the tone of our relationship was set very early on and, even once I understood why I was doing it, I could not change my ways.  Your son may be having the same thoughts even though he doesn't understand it.  Another thing to consider is that children of single mothers get especially attached to that one parent.  A new companion threatens that relationship in the child's eyes.  Your son is probably not aware of all these feelings but this is probably where they are coming from.  Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions as to what would make it improve.
Christine