Aa
Stealing step daughter
I hope someone can help me ...
I have been with my partner for the past 11 years, and married for the past 1.5 years.
My 14yo step daughter (whom I have known since a young child) has been stealing items and money from her mother, father, myself and others (boarding students at her mother’s house) for almost a year now. Her stealing has escalated over time to the point where 2 weeks ago she was caught using her mother’s credit card that she had apparently been using unbeknownst to anyone for quite some time now. When she was found out, her mother slapped her in the face and kicked her out of her house.
Over the past few months, I have approached and given her 'a talking to' on each occasion she had stolen my things (change and cosmetics), but her stealing seems to have escalated. She seems a bit young in the head for her age, and maybe for this reason, my husband (in my opinion) does not dish out adequate discipline. Even before I learned about the credit card incident, I had stopped trusting her and made it very clear that this was the case.
After being kicked out of her mother's house, she arrived on our doorstep wanting to stay.
My problem here is that I do not trust her anymore, and for this reason do not want her to stay at our house. My husband does not care about what I think or feel about this and has insisted that she stay with us regardless. This may sound like the responsible thing to do, but as I have lost trust in her, this situation is causing me so much stress it is now making me very angry, sick in the stomach, and interfering with my work.
Because her mother hit her, the authorities are now involved and it looks like they want her to stay at our house away from the mother (I was never consulted). It looks like she's with us to stay indefinitely.
As a stepparent I am/feel powerless over this whole saga. I think this powerlessness and fear (of being stolen from) is contributing toward my anger, and I am now wondering if I have made a bad mistake marrying into this mess. I saw a counsellor last week who suggested that we seek relationship counselling, but my husband just got angry when I mentioned this - insisting that he has no problem. Trust is something very important to me, but when I tell him that I no longer trust her, he tells me 'to get over it' - as though regaining trust in someone is like getting over a cold or something.
If anyone can offer any suggestions I'd appreciate the communication as I really don't know how much more of this I can take...
Your thoughts are appreciated.
I have been with my partner for the past 11 years, and married for the past 1.5 years.
My 14yo step daughter (whom I have known since a young child) has been stealing items and money from her mother, father, myself and others (boarding students at her mother’s house) for almost a year now. Her stealing has escalated over time to the point where 2 weeks ago she was caught using her mother’s credit card that she had apparently been using unbeknownst to anyone for quite some time now. When she was found out, her mother slapped her in the face and kicked her out of her house.
Over the past few months, I have approached and given her 'a talking to' on each occasion she had stolen my things (change and cosmetics), but her stealing seems to have escalated. She seems a bit young in the head for her age, and maybe for this reason, my husband (in my opinion) does not dish out adequate discipline. Even before I learned about the credit card incident, I had stopped trusting her and made it very clear that this was the case.
After being kicked out of her mother's house, she arrived on our doorstep wanting to stay.
My problem here is that I do not trust her anymore, and for this reason do not want her to stay at our house. My husband does not care about what I think or feel about this and has insisted that she stay with us regardless. This may sound like the responsible thing to do, but as I have lost trust in her, this situation is causing me so much stress it is now making me very angry, sick in the stomach, and interfering with my work.
Because her mother hit her, the authorities are now involved and it looks like they want her to stay at our house away from the mother (I was never consulted). It looks like she's with us to stay indefinitely.
As a stepparent I am/feel powerless over this whole saga. I think this powerlessness and fear (of being stolen from) is contributing toward my anger, and I am now wondering if I have made a bad mistake marrying into this mess. I saw a counsellor last week who suggested that we seek relationship counselling, but my husband just got angry when I mentioned this - insisting that he has no problem. Trust is something very important to me, but when I tell him that I no longer trust her, he tells me 'to get over it' - as though regaining trust in someone is like getting over a cold or something.
If anyone can offer any suggestions I'd appreciate the communication as I really don't know how much more of this I can take...
Your thoughts are appreciated.
Can I just say I am in a similar situation but not as bad as yours. And if anyone out there can advise I would be grateful. I have a step daughter and step son. My husband idolises them naturally as they are his children but there is another side to them which is sly sneaky and I don't trust them what so ever. The girl is 12 and the boy is 9. Let me tell you just a few snippits of what they are like. Firstly. They told us they were going on holiday for two weeks to Mexico we were excited for them and on the day we were to take them back to their mothers we said have a good time. I even joked and said bring me back some Mexican jumping beans. While they were away we were so worried as Mexico had this horrible floods so naturally we were worried. On the day of their return we had them as they stay with us and sleep x3 nights a week baring in mind we have twins who are 1 year old together and I have a 9!year old boy myself. Anyway we were excited to see them and when I asked as did their dad did they have a good time they said yes and we said so what did you eat and they were sheepish and didn't reply then his boy said we didn't go to Mexico we went to turkey ??????? Also I said to his little girl are you excited as your mum is going to have a little girl are you preparing for the nursery this was on the Saturday she said oh yes the nursery is done I went wow is there enough room for as where you live is small she smiled and said yes. In the Sunday their dad drive to drop off his boy at his mums and he replied dad your driving the wrong way we have moved. So they had moved and never told us and kept it from us even though the previous night I had had a conversation with he girl and she never said either. Dad was very hurt there has been so much stuff happen to us and every time we argue it's always about them because when they are cheeky he never tells them off when they are rude and hurtful he never tells them off. I am past my tether with them and when they stay 3 times a week I feel sick knowing they are coming as they make me feel uncomfortable in my own home. The worst bit is my nana came to visit and we were having his kids that night so during the day my nana wanted a make over so I used my benefit eyebrow kit and blusher and the whole works with eos lip balm afterwards i put my makeup bag in the sitting room on the cabinet not to be used till the following day. Only to discover my benefit eyebrow and blusher and lip balm gone and I KNEW I had put them back so later on about 10 am when the kids had gone to school I went to put washing on radiators in all the rooms and I noticed next to the radiator in his daughters room is the TV and behind the Tv was my lip balm I felt sick as it was hidden. I told my husband about my missing things and he blew the roof saying I was evil nasty and horrible to even suggest such a thing but I know it was her. He even said he had put the lip balm their as he thought it was hers I said well why put it behind the Tv . When I confronted her she of course denied it but you just know and now my husband says it's just you. You've lost it but I know I haven't . His girl doesn't speak or play with our babies and when she does she is horrible to them. I am really past my tether I am close to my parents and I feel isbit best to just leave my husband because honestly he believes every word they say and makes me feel like the bad guy every time and ave had enough.
1 Comments
My bf responds the same exact way. If somethi g disappears or i ask a question where something is i get accused of attacking. Ive gotten all my stuff searched by them when i was looking for the item cause i was accused of"playing games"? When anything arises the child just denies the father believes it and freaks on me. Many many items have disappeared and ive begun to quit asking. Meanwhile i have seen my possessions in her possession. I dont dare say anything cause then ill be accused of nit picking. I have 2 lock boxes to hide important stuff but recently ive found my damn underwear. My old used underwear. She is wearing them. I do not snoop either they appear in the laundry...since im larger than her its clear those are mine. Shes wearing them and rewashing them.The kid has beautiful clothing. Nicer than mine. Its from a lack of rules and she knows i want rules in place but for her safety. How does one, being the step mother, show the father his princess (and i mean this with no sarcasm every dads girl is his princess) that she is causing huge issues, lying to him and headed down a terrible path when they are in total denial? And do so without being hated. Totally on the verge of leaving the situation completely so any advice would be great. She plays it so innocent but the tension cpuld be cut with a knife and the fsther is clueless. HELP before she ends up down the wrong path. Maybe im better off bailing?
I don't really have an answer because I'm going through it as well. The thing that gets me is, my step child stole $600, and her mother let it slide like we could afford to let it. My , wife and your husband are dead wrong for not putting their foot down. I feel not in control too and now I got to hide my things of importance. I told my spouse to come with me to my therapist she is not going to b charge up for four visits of course she made excuses of denial, it really pissed me off. I'm sick of it to, I thought about leaving, but my daughter and wife I love them. It seem love is not Enough, I feel betrayed and I'm supposed to just forget about the money she stole and pay for it by living without. I'm really saddened by this it is depressing so if you get a some good advise on the issue please be a doll and pass it to me and I will pass it on too. To make this world a better place it starts in the home. But children are people with issues too, and we need to come together to address those issues otherwise, we are choking out the very future of our existence, by negligence.
Sadly I went through a phase similar to this when I was younger. My parents were together for many years without being married and seperated before I was born. I lived with my mom full time and would be sent off regularly to visit my dad. There were times where I would steal my moms cosmetics because I did not have my own and thought I was old enough to at least practice putting them on. My mom did not like me wearing makeup so would always take the cosmetics away from me. If your daughters/stepdaughter are stealing makeup then i would suggust having a talk with them about why it is unsanitary to use someone elses cosmetics and plan a day or even a weekend where you go out and have girls only time. Make it clear that it's ok to point out things they like and that it's ok to ask for things but that they won't necessarily get them right then. Don't crush their hopes by telling them they can't get something. Tell them maybe next time and it'll give them something to look forward to. Don't make empty promises and don't gurantee that they'll get it. Trust me it's all in how you word things. Be willing to buy a couple of the more expensive special things that they really think they have to have. If the girls are stealing your jewelry look into getting a box at the bank to keep your most precious items safe. Then go look at you jewelry vs their jewelry and notice the difference between your teens junky costume jewelry and your pretty gold necklaces and gemstone studs. Make it clear to them that if they ask there are some things you would be willing to lend them as long as they return the barrowed items. Then make a point to start investing in some actual quality jewelry for them. If they're stealing money find out why. What did they want to buy that they felt they couldn't ask for. Because the stealing is almost always going to come down to jealousy. "You have this nice stuff and never let me have nice stuff or dad bought you this but mine isn't as nice." Even if their dad is buying them stuff left and right and spoiling them they will still notice what you give them and what was given to you. While you are making time for just you and your (step)daughter also make sure that they are getting time with their dad without you being there. The biggest issue I had with my dad when I was younger, even to this day, was the fact that I was supposed to be spending time with him and doing things with him and his long time girlfriend would always be around and be diverting his attention from me. Just by being there he is forced to split his attention between you and the kid(s). So make sure there is a good bit of solo time between them, THEN family time with all of you. Enjoy having that little extra time to yourself. Don't ever let them run over you or tell you that's just how things are going to be. It's abusive and says that you are less and not a full member of the family. Stick up for yourself and set your boundaries but try to keep working things out because things can go down hill fast at this age. My mom was smart enough to bother me and find out why I was doing the things I was and I was fairly vocal about my own displeasure. She bought me some makeup and nice jewelry of my own and started giving me a couple of dollars here and there and things got better. Life at school got better because people stopped bullying me as much just because i was able to fit in a little more. You might not think your kids need this or that but not having small things like makeup or decent clothes that are in style can really make life hell for a tween or teen. And they'll be desperate enough to steal to try to make things easier on themselves.
2 Comments
Keep in mind your (step)daughter already has to deal with the stigma of divorced parents and it's rare to have a good step-parent. Some kins just think they can use the sepeartion to get as much as they can from all parties involved. Show them that behavior is not ok and that there is more to life than getting all the material things their greedy little hear
hearts desire. At some point it may be necessary to have the entire family come together and have a group discussion about the childs behavior and how it's affecting everyone around them. This may require both parental sides and even involvement from school staff and friends. There's going to be a lot of resistence and even some hostility. It's not going to be easy but nobody ever said being a parent was easy. You ladies can hamdle this. Just remember that children are super selfish self-centered creatures that need to be skillfully manipulated into doing what you want them to do while thinking it's their own idea. :)
I am going thru the same issue with my 11 yr old stepdaughter stealing money from my wallet, i spoke to her father about it and he feels that this is just a phase that she is going thru and to just let it go and she will grow out of it,he doesn't feel the need to even punish her, on another note if this was MY daughter stealing from him it would be WW3 in the house...i feel helpless and limited to where i set my belongings in my own home due to this being a reoccuring problem.,i constantly have to lock my things with a padlock to keep her wandering fingers from them, and can't trust her to be in the house .i love her father dearly but its to the point of i don't know if i can tollerate it anymore..i have mentioned to him about seeing a counselor but he throws a fit and wants no part in it...I'm so stressed out to the point of my hair falling out in clumps, and i developed an anxiety disorder..anybody with suggestions on this situation???
Hello Red Rover,
My 13-year old stepdaughter has also recently stolen $40 from my wallet. I was so broken-hearted. It caused my husband and I to get into a huge fight. I told my stepdaughter that I feel uncomfortable living in the home. I have to lock everything up, because she consistently takes things. It hurts, it makes me sad, and I constantly feel like I am looking over my shoulder to see what she is up to. She is very sneaky!
The trouble, too, is that my husband and I have different parenting strategies. So we are trying to learn to work together, but ultimately, she is his daugher, not mine. At the root of it (you hit the nail on the head) is the powerlessness. The sense that I have no control over home environment. My home is not my sanctuary.
We have discussed possibly having her move in with her mother. This is a possibility if the behavior continues. Thing is, though, the behavior is very LIKELY to continue. I don't think she has control of herself and her thieving ways. It may be compulsive? I'm not really sure, but it has been a pattern for a long time!
Here is how I am trying to keep my zen:
(1) There is a creative solution.
I believe that there is a solution out there. I don't know what it is. I don't know what will work. We are implementing consequences, and having long discussions. None of it is getting through. But I am willing, at this point, to keep trying. Not all hope is lost, yet. But ... it is starting to get there.
(2) Meditate
Sit in cross-legged position, set my iPhone timer for 10 minutes, and slip into the gap. I have to be able to keep my cool (which I don't always do) even when things around me are completely out of my control.
(3) Everything is figure-out-able
That one comes straight from the mouth of Marie Forleo, my spirit animal. I'm not sure it is entirely in the context that she meant it - but I am going to apply it to this situation. I believe (at least for now) that there is an answer out there. Maybe I will need to make peace with locking my purse in my car for the time being. I hate that solution, but maybe that is a sacrifice I make for now.
I don't know, Red Rover. It's definitely not cut-and-dried. Please keep us updated with your situation. What have you found that works?
Sincerely,
Caroline
My 13-year old stepdaughter has also recently stolen $40 from my wallet. I was so broken-hearted. It caused my husband and I to get into a huge fight. I told my stepdaughter that I feel uncomfortable living in the home. I have to lock everything up, because she consistently takes things. It hurts, it makes me sad, and I constantly feel like I am looking over my shoulder to see what she is up to. She is very sneaky!
The trouble, too, is that my husband and I have different parenting strategies. So we are trying to learn to work together, but ultimately, she is his daugher, not mine. At the root of it (you hit the nail on the head) is the powerlessness. The sense that I have no control over home environment. My home is not my sanctuary.
We have discussed possibly having her move in with her mother. This is a possibility if the behavior continues. Thing is, though, the behavior is very LIKELY to continue. I don't think she has control of herself and her thieving ways. It may be compulsive? I'm not really sure, but it has been a pattern for a long time!
Here is how I am trying to keep my zen:
(1) There is a creative solution.
I believe that there is a solution out there. I don't know what it is. I don't know what will work. We are implementing consequences, and having long discussions. None of it is getting through. But I am willing, at this point, to keep trying. Not all hope is lost, yet. But ... it is starting to get there.
(2) Meditate
Sit in cross-legged position, set my iPhone timer for 10 minutes, and slip into the gap. I have to be able to keep my cool (which I don't always do) even when things around me are completely out of my control.
(3) Everything is figure-out-able
That one comes straight from the mouth of Marie Forleo, my spirit animal. I'm not sure it is entirely in the context that she meant it - but I am going to apply it to this situation. I believe (at least for now) that there is an answer out there. Maybe I will need to make peace with locking my purse in my car for the time being. I hate that solution, but maybe that is a sacrifice I make for now.
I don't know, Red Rover. It's definitely not cut-and-dried. Please keep us updated with your situation. What have you found that works?
Sincerely,
Caroline
Hello my dear Redrover.
First I want to say, YOU DO NOT DESERVE the treatment your stepdaughter is giving you. I remarried 7 years ago after my first husband passed away. My current husband has 4 children, 2 (girls of which are in teens) and they are shared 50/50.
His ex-wife uses the girls as her personal tormentors to come into my home and trash our peace. At first I thought, " I control the peace in my HOME" but that is a fallacy. These girls want to manipulate their father/mother DIVORCE situation to their benefit. They come to our home and STEAL just out of vindictiveness, to show they CAN, and to show me that NOTHING will ever be done to them. Their dad REFUSES to do anything about this because he believes he must KEEP the peace by NEVER disciplining them, especially his youngest daughter who tells me she OWNS her dad, and she can make him hate me if she wants.
So I get it when you say your husband WON"T do a thing and requires YOU to "suck it up".
I have talked with counselors, who told me I am being co-dependent, and enabling the one daughter and my husband to abuse me. This is ABUSE.
It is just covert, mental, and emotional abuse. HIS children abuse me, and HE refuses to protect me. So what type of relationship is that?
I have spoken with counselors, pastors and other professional people, who tell me that I need to SET BOUNDARIES.
OMG, they are all saying the same thing. AND THEY ARE RIGHT.
This home is mine. It does not belong to HIS KIDS. My husband has no right to INSIST I share MY HOME with thieves, mockers and deviants. If he will not discipline them, I will set my foot down that CHAOS and CONTENTION has NO authority or invitation into our home. I have a right to PEACE. God owns my home, not his deviant children, and so you can contact me to follow up....
But if my husband decides to choose his children over me, he can move out and find a way to support their habits himself. I did not marry his children, and I am not doing anyone a favor by enabling thieves, liars and mockers to control my home. I must find a way to do this in love, so meeting with the counselor, and my husband to work on a plan with proper tools is the best way.
But you are not alone in STEPPARENT life. It can be good, but when the children want it bad, they are the ones who NEED COUNSELING.... Not secular, Freudian mind raping, blame the parents counseling, good Godly counseling. It will help you tool LETS TALK
First I want to say, YOU DO NOT DESERVE the treatment your stepdaughter is giving you. I remarried 7 years ago after my first husband passed away. My current husband has 4 children, 2 (girls of which are in teens) and they are shared 50/50.
His ex-wife uses the girls as her personal tormentors to come into my home and trash our peace. At first I thought, " I control the peace in my HOME" but that is a fallacy. These girls want to manipulate their father/mother DIVORCE situation to their benefit. They come to our home and STEAL just out of vindictiveness, to show they CAN, and to show me that NOTHING will ever be done to them. Their dad REFUSES to do anything about this because he believes he must KEEP the peace by NEVER disciplining them, especially his youngest daughter who tells me she OWNS her dad, and she can make him hate me if she wants.
So I get it when you say your husband WON"T do a thing and requires YOU to "suck it up".
I have talked with counselors, who told me I am being co-dependent, and enabling the one daughter and my husband to abuse me. This is ABUSE.
It is just covert, mental, and emotional abuse. HIS children abuse me, and HE refuses to protect me. So what type of relationship is that?
I have spoken with counselors, pastors and other professional people, who tell me that I need to SET BOUNDARIES.
OMG, they are all saying the same thing. AND THEY ARE RIGHT.
This home is mine. It does not belong to HIS KIDS. My husband has no right to INSIST I share MY HOME with thieves, mockers and deviants. If he will not discipline them, I will set my foot down that CHAOS and CONTENTION has NO authority or invitation into our home. I have a right to PEACE. God owns my home, not his deviant children, and so you can contact me to follow up....
But if my husband decides to choose his children over me, he can move out and find a way to support their habits himself. I did not marry his children, and I am not doing anyone a favor by enabling thieves, liars and mockers to control my home. I must find a way to do this in love, so meeting with the counselor, and my husband to work on a plan with proper tools is the best way.
But you are not alone in STEPPARENT life. It can be good, but when the children want it bad, they are the ones who NEED COUNSELING.... Not secular, Freudian mind raping, blame the parents counseling, good Godly counseling. It will help you tool LETS TALK
COMMUNITY LEADER
The reason I asked how she was doing at school is that if a child is struggling at both school and home, it indicates that something else may also be in play.
I am also the CL for the ADHD forum. Stealing is one of the side effects of having ADHD or ADD. Of course, it also happens for other reasons too. The question is why is she struggling at school? And frankly, detention is not going to help those struggles. And think about it. You are in school and judged by your peers all day long! If things are not going right, you may want to self-medicate and right now that may be with cosmetics, etc. It will get worse.
Point being. I have no clue if she has something like ADD. But I do know that you need to address her problem and to do that ya gotta find out where it starts. I don't know if she is in a middle school or a high school (actually being the low kid on the totem pole in a high school can lead to a lot of problems), but I would get in and talk to her counselors. I would tell them what she is doing and say that you are very worried. Find out how she is doing in classes (compare that to the prior year) and ask for their help. The school setting may not be all of the problem, but it is something that you either need to eliminate or deal with. Please post if you have any more questions on this line of thought. And, of course, you can always reach me here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175
I am also the CL for the ADHD forum. Stealing is one of the side effects of having ADHD or ADD. Of course, it also happens for other reasons too. The question is why is she struggling at school? And frankly, detention is not going to help those struggles. And think about it. You are in school and judged by your peers all day long! If things are not going right, you may want to self-medicate and right now that may be with cosmetics, etc. It will get worse.
Point being. I have no clue if she has something like ADD. But I do know that you need to address her problem and to do that ya gotta find out where it starts. I don't know if she is in a middle school or a high school (actually being the low kid on the totem pole in a high school can lead to a lot of problems), but I would get in and talk to her counselors. I would tell them what she is doing and say that you are very worried. Find out how she is doing in classes (compare that to the prior year) and ask for their help. The school setting may not be all of the problem, but it is something that you either need to eliminate or deal with. Please post if you have any more questions on this line of thought. And, of course, you can always reach me here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175
It's the warmth of the welcome and not the material comforts that make someone, especially a young teenager, feel cared for. My mother was not a perfect mom, but I cannot imagine her slapping me and kicking me out of the house at 14. Cannot. Imagine. It would have collapsed my whole world. Sounds like this girl is minus one of the basic pillars of life, which is the certainty that a parent will act like someone who cares about them. Sounds like this girl doesn't have that in her mom; good thing she still has a caring dad.
Talk to your counselor for yourself, for your own ability to cope. If your husband won't go, go yourself. As you identify the problem, it's not couples counseling you need anyway, but the ability to develop a plan for coping with the pressures of this child, and especially, to develop the strength in yourself to stay centered and able, in your marriage and as her stepmom. I think you're right to say you need help coping, and that is one of the biggest and most helpful roles of a counselor. Try not to displace your anger onto the child. She is not the reason for the anger, she is just the receptacle.
Good luck, I think you can do it.
Talk to your counselor for yourself, for your own ability to cope. If your husband won't go, go yourself. As you identify the problem, it's not couples counseling you need anyway, but the ability to develop a plan for coping with the pressures of this child, and especially, to develop the strength in yourself to stay centered and able, in your marriage and as her stepmom. I think you're right to say you need help coping, and that is one of the biggest and most helpful roles of a counselor. Try not to displace your anger onto the child. She is not the reason for the anger, she is just the receptacle.
Good luck, I think you can do it.
Does she get an allowance? Are there chores she can do to earn her allowance? She is old enough to start learning how to spend and earn money on a very small scale. It's pretty normal for young teens to want makeup. Perhaps you could treat her to a few cosmetic items if she earns it (ie gets her grades up). She is probably very confused about life right now. She should not have stolen a credit card, but I think her mom could have handled it better. I can't tell you exactly what will fix this, but I think giving her an opportunity to earn what she wants will help a lot. It's ok to want things, but it's not ok to just take them.
Redrover, I think everyone can sympathize with your position. But a 14 year old whose mother slapped her and kicked her out of the home for taking her credit card without permission hasn't "grown up with more privileges than most". She has a mother who doesn't love her, plain and simple. Her mom doesn't love her.
They say kids steal to fill up a hole in their heart. In her case, she has a mother who doesn't care what happens to her, and a dad who is divorced and his family isn't terribly welcoming either. I'd rather eat rice and beans and sleep on a dirt floor with two parents who loved me than be in her situation where she has no real home that is insisting she live there.
They say kids steal to fill up a hole in their heart. In her case, she has a mother who doesn't care what happens to her, and a dad who is divorced and his family isn't terribly welcoming either. I'd rather eat rice and beans and sleep on a dirt floor with two parents who loved me than be in her situation where she has no real home that is insisting she live there.
Hi Annie,
Thanks for writing.
I want to make it clear that I am not forcing my husband to kick her out. I know she is 14 and i have also known her since she was very young. This girl has grown up with more privileges than most. She has always been loved and cared for and her every need attended to. It has just been in the past year that things have deteriorated and she has started to steal and this situation is causing everyone grief...and I wrote because I am not coping and need help myself. I don't think she's taking drugs. You may be right about the broken heart judging by her mother's behaviour.
Thanks for writing.
I want to make it clear that I am not forcing my husband to kick her out. I know she is 14 and i have also known her since she was very young. This girl has grown up with more privileges than most. She has always been loved and cared for and her every need attended to. It has just been in the past year that things have deteriorated and she has started to steal and this situation is causing everyone grief...and I wrote because I am not coping and need help myself. I don't think she's taking drugs. You may be right about the broken heart judging by her mother's behaviour.
Thanks for writing.
Unfortunately she's been skipping a lot of school, but this is now being addressed as she has been receiving detention. I've been told her grades are acceptable, but she struggles at school. I don't have access to the receipts, but I do know she's been stealing cash and cosmetics from this house (at least). I have locked away most of my valuables now.
Unfortunately she's been skipping a lot of school, but this is now being addressed as she has been receiving detention. I've been told her grades are acceptable, but she struggles at school. I don't have access to the receipts, but I do know she's been stealing cash and cosmetics from this house (at least). I have locked away most of my valuables now.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Good points by all of the above. I would also take a look at the credit card receipts and figure out what she was using the credit card for. I would also list what she has been stealing. It might help you figure out what is going on.
Its kind of hard to change a behavior if you don't know what is causing the problem.
Also, how is she doing at school? How are her grades? Does she pay attention in class?
Its kind of hard to change a behavior if you don't know what is causing the problem.
Also, how is she doing at school? How are her grades? Does she pay attention in class?
I agree with Annie's response, it seems this child is upset and your husband is correct in my opinion, let him deal with it .
Well, there is no turning a 14-year-old into the streets. Whether or not you trust her, she is still a minor and not to mention, a female. What will happen to her if she gets tossed out of both of her parents' houses? There are plenty of things, all bad, that can happen to a 14-year-old who is unprotected.
What would you do if it was your biological child? Feel powerless and say you can't get over your lack of trust in this child, or keep trying?
Kids steal to fill a broken heart. Sometimes they steal to fuel a drug habit. Sometimes they develop the drug habit because they were trying to self-medicate a broken heart. But she is a minor. There is no moral way your husband should turn his back on her. She is under age and she is his child. That, morally and ethically speaking, is the end of the argument.
See a counselor; forget the couples' counseling, just work out how to live in a house with someone you feel will continue to steal. In other words, work out practical ways to safeguard the things you really care about, and also work up a plan to find out what is going on with the daughter. Is it drugs? Is she just one of the many child victims of parents' bad relationships, who feels nobody loves her and is acting out?
I have noticed on this site that stepparents often write in about kids who were there first, who the stepparent has identified as "the problem," and what they say is always "the kid gets away with murder and my spouse lets him / her." But I often think that if it would have been their own biological child, it would have been "My child must come first, since that is my responsibility as a parent, and he/she is still not an adult. I can't turn away from my child even though I love my new spouse, and he/she doesn't have the right to ask me to."
Please think about the choice you are forcing on your husband. And try to find ways to lock up or put away the things you most value. In 4 years this kid will be an adult, and things will be different. But right now, she sounds like she's in a world of hurt and needs help.
What would you do if it was your biological child? Feel powerless and say you can't get over your lack of trust in this child, or keep trying?
Kids steal to fill a broken heart. Sometimes they steal to fuel a drug habit. Sometimes they develop the drug habit because they were trying to self-medicate a broken heart. But she is a minor. There is no moral way your husband should turn his back on her. She is under age and she is his child. That, morally and ethically speaking, is the end of the argument.
See a counselor; forget the couples' counseling, just work out how to live in a house with someone you feel will continue to steal. In other words, work out practical ways to safeguard the things you really care about, and also work up a plan to find out what is going on with the daughter. Is it drugs? Is she just one of the many child victims of parents' bad relationships, who feels nobody loves her and is acting out?
I have noticed on this site that stepparents often write in about kids who were there first, who the stepparent has identified as "the problem," and what they say is always "the kid gets away with murder and my spouse lets him / her." But I often think that if it would have been their own biological child, it would have been "My child must come first, since that is my responsibility as a parent, and he/she is still not an adult. I can't turn away from my child even though I love my new spouse, and he/she doesn't have the right to ask me to."
Please think about the choice you are forcing on your husband. And try to find ways to lock up or put away the things you most value. In 4 years this kid will be an adult, and things will be different. But right now, she sounds like she's in a world of hurt and needs help.
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