Step Children

I have been in a relationship for about 1 1/2 years with my boyfriend, things are great with us the other day he told me its just not working with his kids. They tell him I nag at them all the time.  The 6 year old loves me and accepts me no problem but the 9 and 11 year old are having a hard time with me. They both want there mom and dad to get back together so I think this a huge part of why they cant accept me. Please help me I have never been involved in a blended family role before not really sure how much I should be disiplining the children or what role most step parents play in the kids lives.

[1miracle]

Be firm with the kids but show lots of kindness and love. Try to spend time with each child one on one and get know them more as individuals. Also find out what interests them and focus in those points. Good luck!

[mammo]

You're in such a difficult situation.  Your husband has to understand how kids this age will do just about anything to break the two of you up.  They need to know that this will not get their parents back together.  I'm sure they resented you from day one, because of their age and their thinking.  I would have a heart to heart with your husband and ask if he sees you doing this, and ask him to speak to a child psychologist about how manipulative kids in this situation can be.  They're not bad kids, they just think if you were out of the picture, their parents would get back together, which is their goal.  Ask your husband to sit down and talk to them about all this, explain that even if you weren't around he would still not be with their mother.  He needs to make sure they know this, that he loves them and so do you.  He needs to tell them that you aren't trying to replace their mother, that he cares very much for you, and you him and that the two of you want them to be happy as well.  If he always believes what his older children say with no validation, he will never find happiness, and you need to tell him this.  You can help by letting them know that you know how much they love their mother, and you're not trying to replace her.  Do things with just the older ones that they enjoy so they can get to know you better.  Until you're married to their dad, I would let him do the disciplining, maybe then he will see that you have only been trying to help them grow up properly.  Maybe even ask him if he wants you doing any of the disipline, this needs to be discussed.  He may not want you to.  I feel bad for you, it's always difficult to please everyone in this situation as you are the enemy...so to speak.  Communication is key, and your husband needs to understand what his kids are feeling and exactly why they resent you.  He may not understand at this point.  You can only do so much, don't be too hard on yourself, sometimes this can be a no win situation.  But your partner needs to step up to the plate and find out what's going on and why! I do wish you all the best, I know it hard for you right now.  Take care.

[RockRose]

He sounds like a wonderful man - who puts the needs of his children before his own desires to have a girlfriend.  

If you want to keep him,  you will have to stop nagging his children.  

You're not a step parent.  You're the dad's girlfriend.  You don't have any role,  whatsoever,  in disciplining the kids.  

[babymomma18]

i must agree with rock rose, until you guys have been together longer or you have a ring on your finger or you are married to him, you do not disapline his kids, all you do is show love and kindness to them. until him ,you, and his kids sit down and talk about the issues and come to some agreement, you unfortunatly bite your tounge.. i was in this situation befor and bf told me straight up," your not her mom, dont talk to my daughter like you are" even tho this little girl was calling me mom cuz her mom was usless. yes it hurts alot.. but...talk to him about it, or bite your tounge