Step Dad vs. Bio. Dad

I moved back to my hometown about 9 months ago where I met an old friend of mine with her 10 month old son randomly. She had bruises on her face and didn't tell me too much about her son, only that she had moved away from his father and that she wasn't going back. She had moved home to live with her parents. Long story short, we ended up going out for a few drinks, she told me all about her life, I told her she needed to get a lawyer and go to the police. She was scared to death and told me that he said he would kill her and her family if she did. She didn't tell anyone about any of this out of embarrassment. So I got her a lawyer and after three months and a few more dates I decided she was worth more then a few phone calls to lawyer friends. We've been living together now for 11 months. Her son has known me the whole time. She has been going to counseling, is back in school pursuing her masters, and has a good part time job at a preschool where her son is attending. Her son's father hasn't seen the child in five months. It turned out that I knew who he was. Along with my ex-girlfriend who I am still close with (we dated for 10 years). I'm currently pursuing my masters degree and want some advice about my situation and her son's development. This guy is as unstable as they come. I'm worried about him hurting her, her son, and me. He has no family, he lives in a small apartment with another man.
She only knew him for a month before she was pregnant. Two months after she told him she was pregnant the abuse started. She found out that he had been watching gay porn on her laptop and posting personal ads on craigslist seeking men. She confronted him and he smashed her computer and then repeatedly over the next 9 months abused her. She was scared to death of him. I wished she'd gone to the police, she said she even went so far as to go to the station and stand outside the doors but never went in. This man is uneducated, and does not have a car. He has a father who was sexually abusive but he won't admit it (she found out from his mom). He also will not admit and has never acknowledged or apologized for the things he's done to her. He has done 2 years in prison and had serious cocaine problems (he may still have them).
Recently he filed a petition for visitation. She has a lawyer now so hopefully that will work out. My question is, from a developmental stand point, how do I handle this with her son. Her son is currently around a loving family and his friends in preschool at all times. She has her parents to babysit when she needs to go to class and I'm always around in the evenings/mornings and on weekends.
This person has repeatedly told her she is a terrible mother and she is ruining her sons development, but I can't blame her for not letting a man who physically/sexually/mentally abused her, see his son. What is the best way to handle this?

[AHP84]

I don't think there really is an easy way to introduce this guy into the child's life. The most you can do for the boy's feelings of security and well-being is to be sure he has a close-knit bond of love and trust established with his mother and you, and other trusted family members. At his age, he's not going to be capable of understanding what is going on, so you can't exactly sit him down and explain how it is and expect him to react with total understanding.
The advantage (hopefully) with most custody/visitation modifications is that they take months, sometimes a couple of years, before the case goes before a judge. In the meantime, do what you can to give the little boy the best trust and security you can offer.

I'm guessing this little boy is about two years old?
There's no way he can understand the difference between biological dad and step dad, much less past behaviors from both sides. He won't even be capable of processing and understanding these behaviors until he's at least five or older, and that's still very young to really "get it." So if this guy is introduced into his life over the next year sometime, there's not a whole lot you can do to really prepare him for it because he won't understand. The most you can do is help him feel secure about it if it happens--if you're going to be a nervous wreck and say things against the guy that indicate he's a "bad guy," the boy will pick up on those vibes and tones and he will learn to fear, even if he is supervised. The goal you want, as long as everything is supervised, is to give this little boy a sense of security. He will know he can trust you and his mother to protect him and he will know you won't send him into a situation where he isn't protected to the best abilities you can offer.
I'd recommend not speaking much of the bio father, if at all, around the little boy until you know for certain that he will get some kind of contact. If he never does, then the boy will never have to know until he is much, much older, about his bio father. If he does get visitation, then he won't go to it freaking out, potentially angering this guy and stirring the hornet's nest that he seems to be.
Take it one day at a time, and don't worry about how the boy will be involved in any of it until you have an outcome of that possibility. If it gets to that point, you may consider speaking with a pediatrician or a child psychologist on how to prepare the boy for this in the best way possible.

[AHP84]

The child's development is not being ruined if he's in a stable home environment that allows him to thrive on love and security. He's too young to understand any of what is going on; all he knows is whether or not he feels safe and loved. Keeping this man out of his life will ensure the boy's sense of security with you, his mother, and other family members.
She needs to file for a protection order against him. This will help keep him from contacting her in any way, and having any unsupervised visits with the child considering he also has a felony on his record for which he's served two years in prison.
Sounds like you and her are handling this in the right manner. Having a lawyer to guide you through the process is the best thing you can do from a legal standpoint.
Hope it all works out for you both, and the little boy. I understand how stressful this can be...I have been through similar issues.

[RockRose]

I'm having a little difficulty understanding some of the details of your story - you say he has no family,  but he does have a mother - your girlfriend met her before.  

From what you say the child is doing well,  I'm not sure what advice you really needed about how to make this easier on him - just keeping his life secure and peaceful are the best things for him,  and it sounds like that's happening.

I'm going to step out into some muddy water here - how much of what she tells you have you actually seen?  Have you actually heard him being abusive to her,  making any threats,  verbal or written,  or doing anything at all that would give you evidence  of his abuse?   The reason I ask is,  men who are seriously violent and threatening don't just stop one day.  You've been with her between 9-11 months (I can't tell,  you kind of change time frames in the middle) and that would be more than enough time for you to have witnessed violent or threatening behavior if it was ongoing.  

Best wishes.  I don't think this is as clear cut as you think it is.

[dadz]

I've known her for 11 months, I grew up with her earlier in my life and moved back home 9 months ago and reconnected with her..The first two months I was only involved in her life to help her get a lawyer and therapy.

As far as her being honest with me. I've seen all of the correspondence in email and text form he's sent her. When I first ran into her she was covered in bruises. You can't fake the fear and the tears in the stories she's told me. One of her friends also witnessed an incident, as well as a family member and I've spoken to her pediatrician as well, because she witnessed an incident.
  
It also turns out that I have more friends from the town he's from and two of them work with him. They have both told me he is not only "scary" but he's been having sex with his coke dealer. These are people who have no vested interest in this girl or her son. And I was only informed of these things because they were afraid for my well being. I'm assuming he was abusive because he's having identity issues. But I don't want to put a child anywhere near someone like that.

He does not have contact with his family. But when his mother found out that my friend had left him, she contacted my friend and told her she understood and explained about his childhood.

The police in our town said if the incidents were more thn six months from the time she was going to file than they couldn't file a restraining order because there was no physical evidence.

I haven't actually told my friend a lot of the things I've found out because I don't want her to know what kind of guy she got herself mixed up with.

As far as what I was asking. This person is trying to file an emergency petition for visitation, he most likely won't have it granted but I would like to know, in the future, for developmental reasons, what is the best way to ease this person into her sons life if he is granted even supervised visitation?

[AHP84]

I don't think there really is an easy way to introduce this guy into the child's life. The most you can do for the boy's feelings of security and well-being is to be sure he has a close-knit bond of love and trust established with his mother and you, and other trusted family members. At his age, he's not going to be capable of understanding what is going on, so you can't exactly sit him down and explain how it is and expect him to react with total understanding.
The advantage (hopefully) with most custody/visitation modifications is that they take months, sometimes a couple of years, before the case goes before a judge. In the meantime, do what you can to give the little boy the best trust and security you can offer.

I'm guessing this little boy is about two years old?
There's no way he can understand the difference between biological dad and step dad, much less past behaviors from both sides. He won't even be capable of processing and understanding these behaviors until he's at least five or older, and that's still very young to really "get it." So if this guy is introduced into his life over the next year sometime, there's not a whole lot you can do to really prepare him for it because he won't understand. The most you can do is help him feel secure about it if it happens--if you're going to be a nervous wreck and say things against the guy that indicate he's a "bad guy," the boy will pick up on those vibes and tones and he will learn to fear, even if he is supervised. The goal you want, as long as everything is supervised, is to give this little boy a sense of security. He will know he can trust you and his mother to protect him and he will know you won't send him into a situation where he isn't protected to the best abilities you can offer.
I'd recommend not speaking much of the bio father, if at all, around the little boy until you know for certain that he will get some kind of contact. If he never does, then the boy will never have to know until he is much, much older, about his bio father. If he does get visitation, then he won't go to it freaking out, potentially angering this guy and stirring the hornet's nest that he seems to be.
Take it one day at a time, and don't worry about how the boy will be involved in any of it until you have an outcome of that possibility. If it gets to that point, you may consider speaking with a pediatrician or a child psychologist on how to prepare the boy for this in the best way possible.

[AnnieBrooke]

The lawyer should be on the alert and file to prevent all but the most strictly supervised visits.  But it might be better to try to file to sever parental rights.  I don't know if that can even be done, but I would see what can be done.