Step son needs help!!!

[Helpless_Mom]

I have been married to my second husband for over four years now and his 10 year old son, has destroyed our family. I have two daughters, he has two sons. The youngest son, has problems. He lies, is violent to my youngest daughter, is very defient, doesn't understand personal space or personal hygiene. Says he can't remember things he does, I am afraid for my daughters. HE is behind in school, has never had friends, says things totally off the wall, and the other three kids hate him. THey are so sick of him they don't even want him around. My husband is in total denial and won't deal with the problem. My husband gets angry all the time, yells alot. We fight all the time. THe kids will not talk to him in fear of what he will do. Even his boys. His oldest tells me alot about what he feels and he just wants to leave he is 14years old. We lived apart for over a year because I was so stressed out I became physically ill, my doctor thought I was headed for a heart attack, I am 32. We decided to try again because I thought he had faced the problem so he said, but nothing has been done yet. I moved in with him leaving my friends, apt, my church, and my kids school. I don't want to live this way again. Am I wrong for wanting to go back home, and get out of this mess?

[mmmy2cool]

I really feel for you.  It really does sound like your husband is the main problem.  A child knows when he is ignored and a child knows when he has NO boundaries and can get away with everything.  Your husband has given up.  When children get older they need our attention and love and they need to know that they matter.  There is hope for your step-son, you just have to find the right resources.  And are you up to doing that?  Your husband is not helping, so it is all up to you.  Do you want to stick around and help these step children, while raising your own, or do you not?  I feel that you are a caring person that wants to help them, but it is going to drain you.  I would defineltly get the extended family to help.  Ask, NO, TELL them to take him for a weekend or on a trip, or have them take him to soccer games or whatever, but if you don't have help, you will suffer with your health.  I would say do not give up on him.  But I would also say, make sure he knows his boundaries, No hurting others in the household or there will be consequences...

[margypops]

Some Family councilling is in order, seperate them when you can, there is a lot of sibling Rivalry going on., between all of them .

[Helpless_Mom]

I have discussed it with him, it just turns into a screaming match. I have sit down with all of us and had the kids tell him how they feel as well, I usually have to stop him from screaming at them. The other three kids feel the youngest is treated differently and I agree. I can't figure out why but my husband's entire family treats the youngest like a baby, he is not held accountable for anything he does, they feel sorry for him because his mother left him, well I do to, but the older boy just gets overlooked by the whole family and is expected to have way more responsibility than he should over his younger brother. I do seperate them most of the time because he will hurt one of the others or he tears up their things. I sit him out from activities when he can't behave, none of it works. He doesn't learn from his mistakes at all, 5minutes after being sit out, he will do it again, and if you ask him about it he swears he never did it and doesn't remember doing it. I don't know to believe him or not he lies about everything, once he argued for 45 minutes with my daughter over what his name is. It's very frustrating. We have tried the ignoring behavior thing and it is very hard for the other kids because he thinks its funny and really gets in their face, it more than they can take sometimes. They ask for me to handle it because they want to him to leave them alone. My heart goes out to all of them, especially him but I feel my hands are tied because my husband won't take any action. When I talk of no one should live this way and his son needs help to live a more functional life, he says you do what you need to, I know my husband, he means I can leave if I can't deal with it, he doesn't feel this is as important as I do. How do you fight that?

[margypops]

It is so overwhelming isnt it,it does sound as if your Husband could do with 'fixing' first, have you had any kind of discussion with him without the kids or anyone around,can you explain to him problems of him not helping you with them can have an effect on the kids.Failing being able to do that realise you on your own and do the best you can,which it sounds like you are doing anyway.How about keeping the Disruptive one as seperate from the others as you can, if he cant join in with them without a problem give him an individual space to be especially when he plays up.Ask the other kids to join you in ignoring some of his behavior and play it down ,not react to it,he could be doing it to get attention. I am sorry I know how hard it is to go it alone I hope your Husband loves you enough to come to hie senses and Help.

[Helpless_Mom]

I understand its not his fault, I think he needs help. But I am at a loss when my husband won't deal with it. I have taken him and all the kids to counseling, my husband won't go.
Even the counselors agree his behavior is getting worst at school, not as bad as at home. No he doesn't get attention from dad, my husband and I disagree on how to raise them period. His idea of quality time is watching tv on the couch with them sitting next to him. Before me, the boys were abandoned by their mother, and left alone all the time by dad, he has always worked long hours 6 to 7 days a week until recently. He does not know how to communicate with them at all, and sees me as the problem because they turn to me. I feel so sorry for both of them. The other kids are angry with him, they are to the point of pushing him out of everything. I try to keep a control on it but my husband says I am babying them and they need to learn to work it out themselves. I agree to a point, but when my youngest step doesn't get his way he lies, or becomes aggressive. I watch and witness this because I am involved constantly in what they do, I believe a parent should take part in their childrens lifes, not send them away to fend for themselves until a problem arises they can't handle or someone gets hurt. Thats how my husband works he is withdrawn with the kids, they have told me they see me as an open door, and him as a closed door. I think that is so sad. I try to mediate things and he just gets angry at me, tells me its all in my head and I'm impossible. I love him but I don't want to be treated like this, all the kids think its wrong, so what am I teaching them by allowing it to continue?

[margypops]

Oh Boy you are having a hard time I am sorry. It sounds like the Family need some counceling,there are Family therapists out there maybe your Doc can sort you one out.How is his Behavior at school, is he bad and disruptive there, what about outside with other people ,are there Grandparents can help?Is it all about how disruptive he is, do the other kids Tease him , how do they react  to him, make sure you are seeing the Full picture of why he is like this. Does he get enough attention from his Dad , do they do guy things, away from the others.If your Husband Yells he is under pressure aswell but that only adds to the Problem, Try to be more objective about the Dianamics going on ,I doubt if its all his Fault .