Stepfather needs some help

I have been married for about 2 years. My wife has two children. The 21 year old son is disrespectful and has become physical and verbally abusive to me. I've tried my best to curb his mindset but have not been able to do so. It came to a head the other day when he cursed and pushed me. I grabbed him by the neck and forced him into the wall and told him, " he is nolonger going to disrespect me." Once I let him go he continue to be physical, I subdued him in a hold and told him to stop. Once I released him he became physical again swinging at me, so I subdued him again, Once again I subdued him and told him to stop. When I let him go he went into the kitchen and broke one of our kitchen chairs. I subdued him again and told him he was not going to destroy our furniture. I told him to go outside and kick a can. I released him and he went outside. He has stated that he doesn't want me here, he never speaks to me and when I speak to him I get one word answers. He is rude and disrespectful. His mother believes anything he says and takes his word over mine. She is not willing to go to counciling and doesn't think he has a problem. He is quick to become angry with anyone, he stays up late and gets about 4 hours a sleep a night. He is a hard worker and works 6 days a week and helps with supporting the household. Although we walk on egg shells. Prior to him returning to live with us everyone was happy now we are all sad but they continue to put up with his BS. I think he is depressed and angry about life. His mother believes that love is a cureall. I explained about seeing a doctor and counciling but she refuses. She is Asian as are the children. The father deserted them and hasn't given any support. I realize that I'm stepping in to a family that has overcome some difficult times but his behavior is unacceptable as well as my wife being in denial. Can you help me as I love them all but can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

[RockRose]

This seems very complicated,  Marko.

When you say he helps with supporting the household, do you mean he pays an amount to live there,  or do you mean he's actually financing the household,  as "male head of household' and is contributing more than his fair share?

This seems more complex than a freeloading child - it sounds like you two are competing as actual head of the household.  Is that the case?

[Marko360]

I'm not sure how much he contributes to the household his mother oversee the bill. As far as me paying the bills, I do give my wife all my pay which is more then enough to pay the bills. Although I do beleive that there is some merit in your statement as he has stated he pays for things also. If I was more informed I could ellaborate yet, it isn't worth living in a household where respect isn't applied and everyone is unhappy. I never said he was a free loader what I did say is that he is disrespectful. I credit him for working so hard but that isn't the problem, him being disrespectful is...

[RockRose]

Marko,  I don't know what you're going to do here to fix this.

He isn't a child,  he's a grown adult and  your wife's son,  and from your description of the other night,  both of you could be in jail for assault.

Everyone gives money to your wife,  and she oversees the household accounts,  and you don't know how much of your wife's accounts are paid by the son because  . . . she won't tell you?  

I really don't see an end to this.  Is this her home?

[babygirl6152]

you said he was "away from the household" and prior to him returning all was well-

where was he then? Curious/

my opinion-although it won't help much- it needs to be your wife's opinion for it to count for much- your wife has to put her husband first- since you are considered the outsider to the young man- seems you two are competing-  IN Texas if you feel threatened in your own home you can defend yourself- which you did- and you should have kicked his a@@- you probably restrained yourself in what you did do-

Just the Texas version- the facts- no one comes into a man's home and starts pushing him around without him fighting- it's absurd- I thought you lived in Texas rockrose?

You tell him to behave or leave- you can welcome him back right along with mom when he is gentleman-ly- That's not so hard

[RockRose]

I do live in Texas,  babygirl,  and I'm betting both their butts would have been in jail for assault,  had she called 911 for help.  Just speaking from experience when men and their dads get into fisticuffs.

[RockRose]

Oops,  forgot to add,  this isn't a case of an intruder coming into the home and assaulting him.  

This is both of their  homes,  this would fall under "domestic violence",  not a breaking and entering and assault case.

[babygirl6152]

I can see your point if there was blood etc. The situation is probably different if both of them live there-  Dad needs a restraining order- tell the mom it's "tough love"

But restraining and subduing the boy/ that's in no way assault/ surely we agree on that- assault shows some marks- bloody cuts, bruises- I would say they both have the right to defend themselves if they feel threatened. The boy is way out of line.

[flmagi]

The 21 year old is no longer a boy and should be able to do as he pleases in his own home.....which should not be the same home as his mothers and her fairly new husband.  It is their home and he needs to abide by the rules and show respect or get his own place.  He's old enough and it sounds like its time to be out on his own. There can't be 2 alpha males in the same household.

[momagain59]

(The 21 year old son is disrespectful and has become physical and verbally abusive to me. I've tried my best to curb his mindset but have not been able to do so. It came to a head the other day when he cursed and pushed me.)

Why is he so angry at you? Does he feel that you are not good to his Mom? Is there a reason that he would think that he needs to stay there to protect his Mom? It just seems like there is a lot more to this story.

[Marko360]

He has emotional problems but things are getting better, he has moved out thank GOD! Thanks for all your comments although the underlining problem is not resolved, now we can live in peace. By the way I treat his mother like a queen. He had some very deep rooted problems which a doctor maybe able to help or not. His thought process is not normal, I think he is depressed as he has five of the signs of depression. . Giving all the details doesn't help, but getting him to a doctor is but he doesn't want to go. So one of our friends have agreed to let him live at their home. It's out of my hands now. Thank you everyone for your comments!