Aa
Stepmother help
My boyfriend and had been going out for over a year and have subsequently bought a house together 3 mths ago. My children are both grown and out of the house with their own family are as two of his children. He has one daughter living at home, she will be 13 soon.
Her mother is no longer in this life; due to her own demise which I am sure is where some of the passive/aggressive behavior stems from… she is almost 13 so hormones probably play a role but I also suspect that since she was the third child, born later in life, only girl, unexpected, she was spoiled and was/is very much daddy’s little princess!
Story short and sweet… his daughter is trying very hard to make my life such that I will move out… I have been told numerous times, “I hate you, this is all you fault, we would be better without you, get out of my house” she tries to tell me when to get up, questions my shopping purchases, tells me to turn out the lights, yells, calls me stupid… Oh! I could go on! Her verbally rude behavious has recently escalated to physical… although she is tiny she was very angry and ran at me knocking my shoulder and turned around to punch me! I was shocked… I slapped her and told her to never be physical or hit me… she yelled that I should get out and ran to her room.
Although her dad was very upset and did reaffirm that the behavior is unacceptable, I believe that he feels caught in the middle and unknowingly creates much of the distention… and I am sure has much guilt around his past wife… and the fact that she looks just like her mother cannot be comforting some times.
There is so much anger and tension at home. She does not try to make outings with her friends, unless she has is specifically told to… she sits around with us much of the time… we have tried to engage her in independent hobbies… I feel very hurt and angry and I do not know what I can do to help things; I am to the point where I can barely speak to her, which kind of works out short term because there is not snotty melt down.
She has recently started counseling, mostly because I told her father that this was the last straw, although he hears me he also does not want to hear/see that his baby girl is so unruly… he thought her behaviour was improved... I disagree, the behaviour outbursts have decreased but the intensity has grown... I am a bit embarrassed to say that some nights I wait to go to sleep until she is sleeping!
What I need is help/tools to get past my negative, nonproductive emotions and stop feeling so angry. I would also like some tools in my dealings with this child… none of us are bad but this situation affects all of us! What are the odds that we can survive this??? Should I cut my losses and run???
Her mother is no longer in this life; due to her own demise which I am sure is where some of the passive/aggressive behavior stems from… she is almost 13 so hormones probably play a role but I also suspect that since she was the third child, born later in life, only girl, unexpected, she was spoiled and was/is very much daddy’s little princess!
Story short and sweet… his daughter is trying very hard to make my life such that I will move out… I have been told numerous times, “I hate you, this is all you fault, we would be better without you, get out of my house” she tries to tell me when to get up, questions my shopping purchases, tells me to turn out the lights, yells, calls me stupid… Oh! I could go on! Her verbally rude behavious has recently escalated to physical… although she is tiny she was very angry and ran at me knocking my shoulder and turned around to punch me! I was shocked… I slapped her and told her to never be physical or hit me… she yelled that I should get out and ran to her room.
Although her dad was very upset and did reaffirm that the behavior is unacceptable, I believe that he feels caught in the middle and unknowingly creates much of the distention… and I am sure has much guilt around his past wife… and the fact that she looks just like her mother cannot be comforting some times.
There is so much anger and tension at home. She does not try to make outings with her friends, unless she has is specifically told to… she sits around with us much of the time… we have tried to engage her in independent hobbies… I feel very hurt and angry and I do not know what I can do to help things; I am to the point where I can barely speak to her, which kind of works out short term because there is not snotty melt down.
She has recently started counseling, mostly because I told her father that this was the last straw, although he hears me he also does not want to hear/see that his baby girl is so unruly… he thought her behaviour was improved... I disagree, the behaviour outbursts have decreased but the intensity has grown... I am a bit embarrassed to say that some nights I wait to go to sleep until she is sleeping!
What I need is help/tools to get past my negative, nonproductive emotions and stop feeling so angry. I would also like some tools in my dealings with this child… none of us are bad but this situation affects all of us! What are the odds that we can survive this??? Should I cut my losses and run???
"I am very proud of my kids... not only do I love them but they are nice people...'
If your children are "nice people" it is because you set an example for them. Cheers! Your partner's daughter is not "nice people." Whose fault is that? His. And he is the only one who can fix it, if it can be fixed.
If your children are "nice people" it is because you set an example for them. Cheers! Your partner's daughter is not "nice people." Whose fault is that? His. And he is the only one who can fix it, if it can be fixed.
The person in our family with BPD is our DIL - soon to be ex-DIL. We are gradually trying to put our family together again. It is not easy. We are praying that our eldest granddaughter did not also inherit this disorder; however ....
Frankly, the best thing for you to do (IMHO) is to "bow out" and let her father be the only parent. If BPD is the issue, you will never win as it appears you have already been painted black. Don't even try - I believe the words "medium chill" are used a lot. This means that you are polite, discuss only superficial things, never disagree (of course, I would not agree either) and do not divulge any personal information (which will be used against you in the future when you are interacting with this child. In other words, you talk a lot but say nothing, you smile but it is never genuine, you learn to "fake" normal, and turn everything over to her father.
I wish I knew ten years ago what I know now. I would have known how better to deal with all of the drama and rages and lies. It would have prevented so much needless heartache. If BPD is the issue, you have time to learn how to validate and cope with this disorder. You will not be raising this child in the same way as your own children, but it can be done. Let the father deal with the daughter while you sit on the sidelines. Really, I can't think of any other way. All the best ....
Frankly, the best thing for you to do (IMHO) is to "bow out" and let her father be the only parent. If BPD is the issue, you will never win as it appears you have already been painted black. Don't even try - I believe the words "medium chill" are used a lot. This means that you are polite, discuss only superficial things, never disagree (of course, I would not agree either) and do not divulge any personal information (which will be used against you in the future when you are interacting with this child. In other words, you talk a lot but say nothing, you smile but it is never genuine, you learn to "fake" normal, and turn everything over to her father.
I wish I knew ten years ago what I know now. I would have known how better to deal with all of the drama and rages and lies. It would have prevented so much needless heartache. If BPD is the issue, you have time to learn how to validate and cope with this disorder. You will not be raising this child in the same way as your own children, but it can be done. Let the father deal with the daughter while you sit on the sidelines. Really, I can't think of any other way. All the best ....
I am sorry that you guys are living through this!!! How do you stay strong and united??? Are you the biological parents or is it parental???
This is all new for me... I guess because I love the father so much I thought that I would be able to help her heal through her grief... which I am still hoping for. The thought that it is not just grief/adjustment and is BPD scares the crap out of me...
Is it possible that I am causing more distress and emotional upheaval... maybe I am not helping at all!!! does that mean a life time of rude dismissive behaviour... at my age I guilty say that I didn't sign up for this... my children growing up had issues and could be a pain in the you know what, but if they were rude soap worked wonders... things are so different now... I know that in counseling that if she mentions that I slapped her that CSA could be called into the home for an evaluation, which could be a benefit maybe... how awful I am feeling about this whole dynamic...
Thank you for the website information... I have read some information "supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD" I feel very sad for the mothers/fathers who are so distressed with their children... I hear the same thing as I am feeling... the difference is that I have only really been involved with this for 8 months or so... but I have to say I still feel in shock... it is like when my husband passed away I was in shock and felt like I was walking in a dream and loud noises scarred me... almost like post traumatic stress syndrome ...
This is all new for me... I guess because I love the father so much I thought that I would be able to help her heal through her grief... which I am still hoping for. The thought that it is not just grief/adjustment and is BPD scares the crap out of me...
Is it possible that I am causing more distress and emotional upheaval... maybe I am not helping at all!!! does that mean a life time of rude dismissive behaviour... at my age I guilty say that I didn't sign up for this... my children growing up had issues and could be a pain in the you know what, but if they were rude soap worked wonders... things are so different now... I know that in counseling that if she mentions that I slapped her that CSA could be called into the home for an evaluation, which could be a benefit maybe... how awful I am feeling about this whole dynamic...
Thank you for the website information... I have read some information "supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD" I feel very sad for the mothers/fathers who are so distressed with their children... I hear the same thing as I am feeling... the difference is that I have only really been involved with this for 8 months or so... but I have to say I still feel in shock... it is like when my husband passed away I was in shock and felt like I was walking in a dream and loud noises scarred me... almost like post traumatic stress syndrome ...
Of course this makes sense (unfortunately, we have lived/are living through this - hell, isn't it?). I really believe that personality disorders are genetic - the brain is wired differently from birth. Often, a trigger (can be something so small that you or I would never even notice) "sets off" the disorder; however, if it's there, it's there. However, that does not mean that the person cannot retrain the brain to think differently. A major red flag is that empathy does not exist in those who suffer from personality disorders.
Try googling BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. An excellent site for information is BPDFamily.com where there are several message forums. Two which might interest you are "supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD" and "raising a child when one parent has BPD" and a third one you might wish to peruse is "coping with parents, relatives, or inlaws with BPD". Even if this child does not suffer from a personality disorder, this site should be able to offer you invaluable information on how best to work/interact with her. I still hope that we're wrong but I'm beginning to think not. Nonetheless, medical personnel are very reluctant to diagnose personality disorders in teens until adulthood and the only treatment at this point in time is therapy (which the sufferer tends not to comply). So, those involved with a person who has "disordered thinking" must learn how to interact and react to this "seeminly maddness. So sorry ....
Try googling BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. An excellent site for information is BPDFamily.com where there are several message forums. Two which might interest you are "supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD" and "raising a child when one parent has BPD" and a third one you might wish to peruse is "coping with parents, relatives, or inlaws with BPD". Even if this child does not suffer from a personality disorder, this site should be able to offer you invaluable information on how best to work/interact with her. I still hope that we're wrong but I'm beginning to think not. Nonetheless, medical personnel are very reluctant to diagnose personality disorders in teens until adulthood and the only treatment at this point in time is therapy (which the sufferer tends not to comply). So, those involved with a person who has "disordered thinking" must learn how to interact and react to this "seeminly maddness. So sorry ....
I want to start by thanking all who have responded! It is nice to be able to discuss the freely and without worrying to sugar coat or talk carefully. What a great avenue for venting and feedback!
From what I know of and have read of "personality disorders" and having seen some of the red flags it is not impossible... but because I did not know her mother and description is sketchy at best I do not have a clear picture... although some of the things I have heard lead me to think that she could have had personality disorder(s)...
I have googled "personality disorders and teens" and the symptoms listed are aggregate to the daughter's behaviour:
1. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
2. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
3. Lacks empathy: unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
4. Abrupt and extreme mood changes , inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) world in extremes, viewing others as either "all good" or "all bad".
5. May form an intense personal attachment with someone only too quickly dissolve it over a perceived slight
These are the ones that stand out for me!
I read that this disorder might develop as the result of excessive pampering, or when a child's parents have a need for their children to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem???
Definitely something to think about... although I hesitate to say definitively because there are too many factors here! I believe that she was excessively pampered by her mother/father and family???... the loss of her mother... hormones, changes in life... these are all major life event stresses. My hope is that it is more the grieving stage stuck in anger with the inability to move forward!??!??!?! but who knows!
Does any of this make sense!?!??!
From what I know of and have read of "personality disorders" and having seen some of the red flags it is not impossible... but because I did not know her mother and description is sketchy at best I do not have a clear picture... although some of the things I have heard lead me to think that she could have had personality disorder(s)...
I have googled "personality disorders and teens" and the symptoms listed are aggregate to the daughter's behaviour:
1. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
2. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
3. Lacks empathy: unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
4. Abrupt and extreme mood changes , inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) world in extremes, viewing others as either "all good" or "all bad".
5. May form an intense personal attachment with someone only too quickly dissolve it over a perceived slight
These are the ones that stand out for me!
I read that this disorder might develop as the result of excessive pampering, or when a child's parents have a need for their children to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem???
Definitely something to think about... although I hesitate to say definitively because there are too many factors here! I believe that she was excessively pampered by her mother/father and family???... the loss of her mother... hormones, changes in life... these are all major life event stresses. My hope is that it is more the grieving stage stuck in anger with the inability to move forward!??!??!?! but who knows!
Does any of this make sense!?!??!
One thing that I have realized is that if the "core" of a person is "jealousy and extreme self-centeredness", one may be trying to deal with a person who has a personality disorder. Mental illnesses tend to have a chemical imbalance; whereas personality disorders tend to be resultant from flawed brain "hardwiring". These "traits" can be inherited genetically or the behaviour copied (this is called fleas).
I do not believe that this child is mentally ill, but I do believe the anger and jealousy and self-centeredness and need for control are "red flags" for a personality disorder. Often, a person with such a disorder will try to "devalue" and/or "paint black" that person who appears threatening. This is how many personality disordered people survive. By the way, most personality disorders "rear their ugly heads" at puberty and tend to be co-morbid with depression and/or anxiety and/or emotional issues. I might suggest you google the phrase "personality disorders and teens" or "symptoms of personality disorders" or similar words/phrases to see if this might be the cause. I really feel there is more here than "being spoiled" or "being victimized". I am reluctant to post this as I do not want to "stir up a hornet's nest" if there is not one - on the other hand, if there is one ....
I do not believe that this child is mentally ill, but I do believe the anger and jealousy and self-centeredness and need for control are "red flags" for a personality disorder. Often, a person with such a disorder will try to "devalue" and/or "paint black" that person who appears threatening. This is how many personality disordered people survive. By the way, most personality disorders "rear their ugly heads" at puberty and tend to be co-morbid with depression and/or anxiety and/or emotional issues. I might suggest you google the phrase "personality disorders and teens" or "symptoms of personality disorders" or similar words/phrases to see if this might be the cause. I really feel there is more here than "being spoiled" or "being victimized". I am reluctant to post this as I do not want to "stir up a hornet's nest" if there is not one - on the other hand, if there is one ....
I agree that love is not enough to make relationships work... being aware of and responding to behaviours appropriately is necessary... that being said, the father is somewhat aware but tends to be the ostrich sometimes.
I am ashamed to say that you are right about feeling victimized and that she does have the power... many days I wonder what the heck am I doing here... I don't seem to be able to interact positively which is bad for everyone... and I feel guilty that I have such strong feelings of uncaring towards her...
The situation is such that his children are not close by and are not helpful as they are mostly unaware... my children have been a better resource in that respect... in fact my son seems to interact very positively with his daughter and is very adept in communications with her... put accurately she thinks he is awesome! My daughter and her get along but his daughter has jealousy towards my daughter, which I think in part is normal... I am very proud of my kids... not only do I love them but they are nice people... I think that from the fathers perspective that is a lure as my children are good people he may think I have this thing that could help with his daughter???
Anyway I am good at analyzing situations, that is what I do best! but with that comes many different perspectives, empathizes which I think has lead to my indecision! I vacillate between leaving and staying all the time!
I am ashamed to say that you are right about feeling victimized and that she does have the power... many days I wonder what the heck am I doing here... I don't seem to be able to interact positively which is bad for everyone... and I feel guilty that I have such strong feelings of uncaring towards her...
The situation is such that his children are not close by and are not helpful as they are mostly unaware... my children have been a better resource in that respect... in fact my son seems to interact very positively with his daughter and is very adept in communications with her... put accurately she thinks he is awesome! My daughter and her get along but his daughter has jealousy towards my daughter, which I think in part is normal... I am very proud of my kids... not only do I love them but they are nice people... I think that from the fathers perspective that is a lure as my children are good people he may think I have this thing that could help with his daughter???
Anyway I am good at analyzing situations, that is what I do best! but with that comes many different perspectives, empathizes which I think has lead to my indecision! I vacillate between leaving and staying all the time!
I do not think all "spoiled" children live in the lap of luxury or have devoted parents... I am talking about a child who when wants something is given it with no regard for behaviour or expense!! Have the run of the house and stay up as late as they want... I do not believe that this makes a child happy but it appears that is how it was at home prior to the suicide. Her father and I did not meet until well after the mother was gone, although I do agree that she blames for the mothers death as well as the moving of home and schools and with all the changes associated... and she is very angry.
Let's look at this from your side, getting down to basic emotions. You don't like this nasty child and she makes you unhappy. The father is not much help and she plays you off against each other. Let's say that therapy does not help, or that the father defeats it at home. What will you do? What will he do? How much does he care for you. And you for him.
A tough situation. My first concern is for you, not for the others involved, because it is you who is being victimized. This kid has the power, and in her own unhappy way, is getting her kicks. If the father can be shown that the child is destroying herself, you might make some headway. Are his other children helpful with the situation?
A tough situation. My first concern is for you, not for the others involved, because it is you who is being victimized. This kid has the power, and in her own unhappy way, is getting her kicks. If the father can be shown that the child is destroying herself, you might make some headway. Are his other children helpful with the situation?
I don't think a 13 year old girl who had to live with a mentally ill mother who then committed suicide, and so that forced the girl to move and live with her father and his girlfriend could be called "spoiled". I think that falls under the category of "neglected" and "abandoned".
I don't know what to tell you that will help, hh, except maybe to give you the perspective that spoiled children live in the lap of luxury with not a care in the world and devoted parents who shield them from any pain or discomfort, so that they are living in a little cotton case where they get complete approval and adoration regardless of their efforts.
The exact opposite is what happened to your step daughter. And depending on the timing of things, she may well blame you for her mother's death.
I don't know what to tell you that will help, hh, except maybe to give you the perspective that spoiled children live in the lap of luxury with not a care in the world and devoted parents who shield them from any pain or discomfort, so that they are living in a little cotton case where they get complete approval and adoration regardless of their efforts.
The exact opposite is what happened to your step daughter. And depending on the timing of things, she may well blame you for her mother's death.
I agree on some levels with the mental health/hormone theory and yes her mother's demise was by her own hand, of which the daughter came home to find with the father... adding more layers to her anger...
I believe that a lot of the behaviour comes from being spoiled... she is able to control her temper when she knows that she has pushed hard enough or if her father gets really mad... that to me would suggest not as much as mental health but just bad behaviour... I am truly hopping that counseling will have some suggestions
I believe that a lot of the behaviour comes from being spoiled... she is able to control her temper when she knows that she has pushed hard enough or if her father gets really mad... that to me would suggest not as much as mental health but just bad behaviour... I am truly hopping that counseling will have some suggestions
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