Stool holding & eating disorders

My child is now 6. She was a stool holder as a 2 1/2-3 yr old and it was purely a control/behavioral issue. Once I used language "it is your job" "it is your responsibility" "put the poop where it belongs", and when I acted as if I didn't care, she began to poop in potty. Now, she is 6, a true perfectionist who has an extreme thirst for knowledge of any kind and loves structure and absolutes. She had an emotional meltdown today when I wouldn't allow her to use any more tape to wrap a present due to her sassy attitude. She was DISTRAUGHT because the tape wasn't 'equally distributed' and told me she 'couldn't let it go'. She later apologized and told me she didn't deserve to eat at all that day since she had been so bad. Disturbed, I explained that we never punish ourselves with not eating and that it's her 'job' to treat her body in a healthy way. Question...Are there any books, studies that correlate stool holders as toddlers that develop eating disorders as teens and how to parent (verbiage to use) to this controlling behavior? Thank you.

[specialmom]

I would think not.  Stool holding in young kids can be for any number of reasons-------  often they are slightly constipated and a few bad experiences with that, then they will hold.  Also, parents put too much pressure on the potty situation and kids do back off until they can do it on their own terms.  That is VERY common and I'd say half of kids that are potty trained, go through a period in which the pooping on the potty is not happening as the parents would like.  I do not see any correlation between her toddler potty training days and current behavior.

Now, you do describe a child that has difficulty with flexibility (changing the plan when things do not go their way) and perfectionism.  I have one too but he has sensory integration disorder and it is actually a way of controlling his comfort level or feeling good about his work.  We work on his flexibility-------  helping him through when HIS plan is changed by someone else or circumstance.  (IE: ran out of tape).  I wonder, though, if she really wanted to make the tape even----------  why you did not allow her to.  Is that considered indulgent?  If she cares very much about such situations and you know this----------- next time you may ask her what her plan is, where she is going to put the tape next time.  Perhaps this was a gift for someone she cared about and thus, wanted it to look really nice.  Understanding where she is coming from rather than being upset for her reaction to a situation will better allow you to help her with her flexibility issues.  

I am wondering if you too have some perfectionistic ways.  That is so very often the case when a child shows signs of this.  If so, I'd model messing up or doing something the wrong way and still being happy and satisfied with it.  

I would not read too much into her saying she wouldn't eat as punishment.  Don't assume she will have an eating disorder due to a statement like that or that she was like so many other toddlers and had trouble making the leap to pooping on the potty with a smile on her face.  

What there IS a link for is kids that are perfectionists developing an eating disorder in their teens.  But remember, eating disorders are psychiatric in nature and not something that 'just happens' due to trying to control things.  Often, sadly-------- there are contributing factors that relate to family dynamics as well.  Parents that expect too much, for one.  

So, work on her flexibility and show her it is okay for things to change course from her original plan as well model that imperfection is okay.  And I would also, pick your battles.  good luck