Stressed out

[Maureen]

Ever since my 4 year old was little, every time another child cried or was upset, my son started cying too.  When my 2nd son came home from the hospital my 1st son would cry every time is brother cried, he wouldn't go in the same room as him, wouldn't ride in the car,etc.  After about 1 month he finally stopped this.  This year he started pre-school and is having a very difficult time.  He goes twice a week and in the morning before we go he cries begging me to stay with him.  I have left him about 4 times since school began in August.  One time the teacher called me back because she felt it was too much stress on him to continue crying.  The other times he was OK until the day one of the children started crying and screaming when her mother went to leave.  Now my son can only talk of this child crying and her mother leaving.  When any of the other children cry my son cries and asks the children's mother to please stay with their child.  His preschool teacher talked with me the other day and suggested maybe I take him out of school that he may just not be ready and it may be too stressful for him.  He has just recently started asking to have bottles and sucking his thumb.  I don't know what to do.  On one hand if I take him out will this really help him when he has to start kindergarten next year or if I leave him in is it going to be too stressful as his teacher suggested.  Another concern:  Can 4 year olds have anxiety attacks?  His great-grandmother and his uncle both have anxity attacks - could he have some of the characteristics that contribute to these attacks?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Maureen,

If I understand your note, you have left your child only four times. He is accustomed to your being there, and has not had enough 'practice' being away from you. He likely needs more opportunities to be separated from you, otherwise it's not reasonable to expect him to adjust to your absence.

If you decide to keep him in the program, I'd suggest two things: (1) increase the number of times he attends each week, and (2) do not remain with him.

Because of the family history of anxiety, your son will be more likely than a child without such a history to develop an anxiety disorder. But, at the same time, it's by no means a guarantee he will develop any such condition. It's probably not a significant factor relative to his current situation.

[DE]

Please refer to the Moore's book, better late than early.  They feel the child belongs with the parent until they are ready to seperate, and early school can be "child abuse", even though this society and many psychologists will recommend forced seperation from the parent.  I was lucky to get some excellent advice when my son was 5, and not ready for school, although very bright and creative.  So I homeschooled him until he was almost 8, then went to a Montessori school that is more hands on and individualized.   He avoided the "cookie cutter" let's all be alike classroom.  He would have been diagnosed learning disabled, he did'nt read well until age 9, then he caught up and passed up, as the Moore's said he would.  Today, a sr. at highschool, he has received many awards and is much more creative than he would have been if in public schools at an early age.  He received such a letter of recommendation from a professor that worked with him on a summer mentorship at a national science lab, saying he is caliber of MIT and Harvard, and the most creative high schooler he has seen in 20 years as a physicist.  So, don't always go with the flow, go with what you feel is really best for your child, not the "experts", who tried to get me to send my son to more preschool time, etc.  Good luck.