'Substitute' Spanking

[vacationrobert]

Folks, I counsel a single parent who believes in spanking when her son is in open defiance and obnoxiously rude but she is not physically able to spank. She also believes that spanker and spankee should be the same gender, i.e., not a mother-son situation. She is very conscientious about providing him with counseling, using time-outs, positively reinforcing, exposing the lad to males in the absence of a male figure at home- the whole nine yards. Still he defies her at every opportunity and is eventually headed for serious consequences- even delinquent- down the road. I can confirm what she says because I know the boy and I know her. She asked me what I thought about having a man whom she trusts spank the boy in her presence when he significantly acts out.(For the record, I am not the man she wants to spank her son and, given our counseling relationship, I wouldn't take on the task anyways.) In my opinion, a hand spanking, reasonably administered, may be the wake-up call that this lad needs, especially with so many other approaches she has tried and continues to try. Having said all of that, what is your gut-level feeling about such "substitute" spanking in her presence? The person would be acting "in loco parentis" for a mother physically unable to spank her son. I told her that I would give it some thought and get back to her. If a male agreed to such a task, I have no doubt he should get her request in writing. I see a meaningful behavior management opportunity here. If the boy is not held accountable now- some form of society is going to eventually require it of him and hopefully it won't be law enforcement or DYS. I do see some caveats such as the boy filing a complaint against the man. The "substitute" spanker could be taking some risks. But perhaps there are some preliminaries to such a venture that would protect him? What do you think about this somewhat creative strategy to child discipline?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

While I, nor any other person, can predict the future with any degree of certainty, I imagine that this mother is deceiving herself if she thinks that resorting to spanking is going to result in change. The foundation of the mother's plan is her belief that this discipline will help her son to turn the corner. Such a prospect is not at all likely, whether it is she or someone else who administers the punishment. Withdrawal of privileges and use of time out are sensible options, and these can be utilized at any point. I often endorse, as readetrs of this Forum well know, the sort of systematic behavior management approach detailed in Lynn Clark's very useful and practical book, SOS: Help for Parents.

[lmroswell]

How old is the boy?  Why can't the mother physically spank?  Just don't think it is a good idea for a substitute spanker.  Discipline, in any form, mostly, should be handled 'at the moment'.  If it is not, it loses its impact and meaning.

[nurse12hr]

I'll just throw in my 2 cents for a minute.

Noting this post, and the one below by you...I'd say you are a bit preoccupied with spanking.  While it sometimes can be a useful tool in certain, very limited situations,  many or most people have raised healthy, productive children to adulthood without ever resorting to "reddening" the buttocks of their children.

This forum tries to explore means other than striking a child to encourage positive behaviours and resolve problems.  

[tristee]

As a mother of a 4yo son, I'm appalled at this substitute spanking idea. Why can't this mother discipline her own son. I don't think spanking is even the appropriate discipline, especially by a non custodial male.  I would only expect this would foster resentment and anger toward the male involved, if not all adult males.
I suggest the mother take some parenting classes and get additional counseling,preferrably with her son.  Sounds like some earlier intervention would have been a solution. Since it's beyond that point perhaps behavior modification therapy would benefit the child (and the parent).