Suicide

I have a son, 7 and a daughter 5 1/2. When they were both babies
their father (my husband) committed suicide.  So at that time they were almost 2 and 5 months and it did not seem appropriate to me to try to explain to my 2 year old what had happened.  He did not really even notice the absence to much.  Only in the last few years have they both started asking more questions. I have told them both he died in a boating accident.  My question is, at what age do I tell them. I don't want to wait too long that I may cause damage but will I be causing more damage by telling them.  I also don't want someone else to inadvertedly tell them.  I am afraid they will feel responsible.  Do I wait untill they ask me for more details?  Do I tell my son whom is older or do I tell them both?  I feel like it can only hurt them.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated.  thank you.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Ms. Gilmartin,

This really is a difficult choice. At some point, they definitely need to know. You don't want them to hear from someone else, and you don't want them to be disappointed in you for not being open with them.

Definitely do not tell your son without also telling your daughter. If you do, he will have to collude with you to keep this secret from your daughter, and that's not good.

My guidance is to tell them. When suicide occurs, it's always in the air to some extent in a family, even if some other story has been told to account for the person's death. The best thing is to set the record straight now, and do it in a simple and straightforawrd manner. Then, be open to any questions your children might have.

[Lisa Gilmartin]

thank you. This is not going to be easy. I appreciate your
help.