Teaching Thank You

Can anyone help me teach my 3 year old how to say thank you? Mom & I have stressed saying thanks for the little things - e.g. when she gets a treat - and she has no real problem with that.

But at times she won't say thank you for gifts. She understands what to say and who to say it to, but she is just refusing. We had a guest here the other day who brought her a new doll. We asked our girl to say thanks but she wouldn't. We've refused to take the doll out of it's package until she will say thanks & she's still not budging. Now we've told her we're going to give the doll to another child who needs a toy (Toys for Tots) if she won't say thank you. She doesn't want us to give the doll away, but she seems content to leave it in it's package. This whole thing started 3 days ago, but we've had similar problems in the past several months.

Some say it's just a phase, and I agree it is. But that doesn't make it okay. She's clear on what to say & why she needs to say it.

Help!! (& thanks in advance to anyone who shares advice)

[aim7407]

Follow through, give the doll away.  Right now, she probably sees that you don't have the guts to go through with that threat, so she's not going to budge. And even if you give it away, she still might not say thank you immediately. But, I bet she'll think better of refusing to say thank you the next time she receives a gift, if she knows you're serious about the consequences you lay down. Dont' say you'll do it, if you're not prepared to follow through.  That's a great idea, giving the doll away, very creative. I'd do it.  Tell her it's going , and that she's had her chance. Who cares if she doesn't "want" you to give it away. Of course she doesn't,,,, but ,,,, she doesn't want to say thank you either does she?  You are the boss , not her.  Show her you mean business. It won't traumatize her for life, if anything it will be a great life lesson, and she'll think twice about refusing to be thankful next time.  Good luck!

[uvlvrebel]

what about trying a different language- make it more fun... saying "tanks" should be enjoyable, right? not forced, but fun!  try sign language- that way she doesn't have to "say" it,she can "sign it"-- she wins, you win.

[aim7407]

I don't know when it became mean or politically incorrect to disipline or teach a lesson to  kids. I am thinking that's why there are all these teen pregnancies, psychotic freak kids shooting up schools and kids doing drugs and becoming sexualized at the age of 8. But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong! I remember my daughter being 3, and she Most certainly understood the meaning of the word thank you , the difference between right and wrong, (within reason of course) and knew that if she decided to be defiant , or stubborn, that  Mommy or Daddy would win, Not her.  What is so wrong with forcing your child to do something they have decided they aren't going to do, simply to defy you? Hmmmm I don't get it.  Actually , if it were my child, I just woulda smacked her little hinney , in private right after the incident, and had done with it, and told her next time she'd say thank you, or the same punishment would result. But I know, now a days people think that's mean, and abusive. But my daughter couldn't be more well behaved. And there's a huge difference between just smacking a kid around all the time for no reason, and lovingly spanking them when it's appropriate. Who knows. I guess every kid is different. But I can't say how many times I"ve been in a restaurant with a crappy behaved unruly kid that is standing on the booth seats, or staring at you for eternity, or running up and down the damn isles yelling, or at the store, while their parents sit idly by, and smile and coo at them like it's cute, and just expected of youngsters, instead of taking their butts to the restroom and having a one sided conversation with the child's butt and the parents hand.
As a matter of fact, it used to be, that any adult within a 5 mile radius, or close enough to see me behave badly, could tell me to cut it out, or if I knew them personally, ie, Aunt Uncle, Grandma, Babysitter, they'd swat my butt and teach me a lesson. It's called,,,, discipline, it's called Love, and it's the most loving , responsible thing you can do for your child. Not just spanking, but just caring in general what your children do and how they behave. What I"ve noticed is that no one cares anymore, if their kids disturb other people when out, or behave badly, they just think it's cute. And the parents that do care, get ripped on for trying to discipline their kids, and called abusive or mean. But that's just my opinion.  I do know, that kids who are not disciplined enough as youngsters, or taught to respect their elders, will turn into the monsters that my Husband trys to keep out of trouble and has to suspend/expell from school Everyday, as he's a vice principal at a middle school and before that , a high school. I can't tell you the kinds of things he's witnessed.  Girls in the bathroom having sex, oral and vaginal, with more than one boy,  pregnant 9 year olds.... Drugs , guns , knives, in the schools! It's Soooo sad.  And although not all kids turn out like this,  so many more of them do today, than even 15 years ago.  Anyway, just my little rant,  hope everyone enjoyed it! hehe... It scares me what goes on in our schools today.   But I guess what I'm really trying to say is,  don't say you're going to do something, or that a behavior is unacceptable, if you're not prepared to follow through  with the supposed consequences that you've laid out.  

[Bulldog06]

Wow, this aim7407 is on the button!   I am an educator and parent of two.  I have worked for years in alternative schools and regular schools - I have seen it all as well.  The state of public schools is far worse than you would ever imagine - we work hard to hide the truth from the public.

Now - as for discipline:  Discipline is love!  Parents who have become so milktoast and apoligetic for their illbehaved children.  They look at others like it is OK for their child to scream through a movie and it  is the fault of others for not understanding that little johnny is acting like a monster in a crowded movie, or church.  Discipline your child!  

Now as for the little girl in question - if you don't mean what you say now, you never will in her eyes.  She will learn that everything you say is waiverable. Child behavior is built on the little things - every day.   Consistancy will mean everything down the road and even though it might seem like she's too young to notice, she does notice your willingness to follow through.  I would take the doll, hide it and much later if there is an opportunity give it back with the lesson attached.  That is as light as I would go with this.  As aim7407 stated don't say it if you don't ,mean it.  Love your child by disciplining her to teach  her how to behave.  She won't hate you for it, and either will others  in restaurants, movies, or church.  My  $.02    

[RockRose]

My 4 year old boy went through exactly that.    He had a very dear friend,  they were two peas in a pod,  and when I came to pick him up from a playtime,  he was of course expected to say "thank you for having me over" to the mom at the door on the way out.    That's the expectation.    One day he refused,  and we stood there for about 15 minutes until he said it.  It's like,  he became humiliated by saying thank you,  like that made him indepted to her or  humiliated,  something.

We discussed how good it makes people feel to hear you say thank you - it's not about lowering yourself,  it's about elevating them and making them feel good.

I don't know if that worked or what worked,  but the next few times he would kind of mouth and whisper "thank you",  and then he returned to saying it full out.

Best wishes.

[Dad_Jay]

Thanks for all replies.

The doll is now gone. Believe me I'm not one to make an idle threat. But I don't think she doubted our threat from the beginning because we've always stressed our follow through.

To me this is a mixed issue. I see parts of bashfulness & parts of willful disobedience. Maybe more disobedience than bashfulness. I want a genuine thank you, but I settle for any thank you for now. The point is she knows what thank you is all about and it pops out of her mouth all the time on the little things.

I have no problem with physical punishment if necessary, but I have rarely found it necessary. The time-out chair works well in our home. I know that for some kids that's not effective & you have to notch it up a bit.

But what it boils down to for me is:  Should I consider this to be part bashfulness or blatent disobedience? Disobedience merits punishment while I'm not sure of the best tact for bashfulness. Do a work on this at home or do we make a big issue of it - demanding our will - right when the moment strikes?

[aim7407]

Well you make a good point, but  the whole point of your beginning post, was to say that you had thought of a punishment for her, ie: giving away the doll, because she wouldn't say thank you, so wouldn't you say you had already decided that it was willful disobedience? Since you were thinking of punishing her? I didn't think that was in question. But, if she truly was just being shy, then no, I wouldn't say I'd punish her for that, if she's  known to be painfully shy and has a hard time talking to grown ups. But , from what you wrote, I thought that whole point had been established. At any rate, usually,  but not always, you can clearly tell the difference between when a child is just too shy, and when they are just being disobedient. It sounds as though you are both very sensible parents, and I kind of liked the idea of giving the doll away, just because it wasn't the conventional punishment and took creativity to think of. Dont' get me wrong, I don't think spanking is always the answer either, and of course my rant as I termed it , was just that, a rant, cause sometimes you gotta let it all out, but it wasn't directed at any one person, just so everyone knows that.  I'd say, no matter what, shy or not shy, you still need to stick to your guns, and teach her the proper manners that you think are important. It's just nice to see a parent teaching their kid  to say thank you at all, as some parents just don't care , or don't have the upbringing to know that they should care.  A good story for all of you!  And this has nothing to do with any of you, or the little girl in question, just a funny anticdote to wrap up a good Sunday. Here goes:  My husband, daughter and my baby son, and I all went out to eat tonight, and wouldn't ya know it! The token bratty kid was there , with her mom who was on the cell phone, and didn't seem to even realize her daugther was alive and breathing, much less at the same table. So.... the little girl who was about 6-8 years old and wayyyyy  old enough to know better,   stared, and stared, and stared, and clicked, and clapped, and hummed and danced in between the tables, alllll the while her idiot oblivious mommy, is on the phone, talkin to her "girls".... then , the man that I can only assume was her baby's daddy showed up. And the Mom finally got off the phone, and proceeded to do clapping cheers with her daughter, right in our ears. It was a Lovely evening... HAHA!!!   At the table in front of us, was a screaming , crying, very loud toddler, who would not sit still, (not that this is unusual) and who kept getting pinched and smacked by her Aunt, or Mom or whoever was taking care of him.   Oh , Joy..... I love going out to eat.  Anyway,  I have no doubt that your child is probably not like this.  So keep her the sweet angel she most likely is, and stick to your guns with the ettiquette and manners training!    Don't give in,  We are All depending on you to raise a great kid!!!!  LOL   ;-)  Merry Christmas.