Teenagers are disrespectful to step father

My daughter age 16 and my son age 13 are very disrespectful of their step-father.  They feel that he has no say so on anything that involves them.  Any time he makes a comment, they tell him to stay out of it and even call him some pretty bad names at times.  If I or especially if he punishes them in any way, they call their dad.  Then he wants to speak to me or my husband and cusses us out and has even threatened my husband. He also tells my son to not take anything from his step-father and has told him to beat him up.  Their dad is a non financial supportive dad.  They only hear from him occassionally unless they call him with a problem and rarely see him.  My husband has spoken of moving out, because he can't take much more disrespect.  He is a wonderful man and a good role model dad.  He is very good to the kids. They really could not ask for a better step-father or even real father.  I am at my wit's end.  What do I do?  I don't want to lose my children or my husband.  I have considered counseling, but really can't afford it.  We are from a rural area and I'm not sure what is available in this area anyway.  Please help!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Ms. Stokes,

Don't rule out counseling, because you really do need it. Some family problems can be solved by simply adjusting a few of our behaviors. Other problems are more entrenched and complicated and require professional assistance. It's no different than complicated meducal problems. You can handle simple cold symptoms or occasional indigestion or other such minor ailments on your own. But, if you were experiencing serious medical concerns, you'd seek medical help.

The efforts of you and your husband are being thwarted, partly due to the children's father supporting them in their attempts to refuse your husband's jurisdiction. For teenagers to accept the involvement of a stepparent is often hard all by itself, let alone when one of the biological parents is interfering and actually encouraging and condoning the behavior. The kids will be loyal in most instances to the biological parent, even if that person doesn't behave in the most sensible ways. The solution to this dilemma can't occur among you, your husband, and the two children alone. In some manner, their father has to be brought into the equation, and you can't do this on your own.

[kayrena]

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