Telling the parents

[Kablekakes]

My son and wife have a beautiful 30 month old boy. He made normal progression until about 15-18 months of age and then began displaying signs consistent with Autism. The wife's mother tried to suggest testing and mom was terribly offended and then in denial. My son now is understanding that something is wrong. I just spent 3 days with them and had a 2 day visit 3 months ago. My sweet little grandson clearly displays 10-12 very clear symptoms of Autism and is digressing in his development. I feel it is a duty of love to express my concerns and help them seek out professional help but I also know it is going to result in a major upheaval in the family and even perhaps a break in the relationship. My heart is telling me that I must tell them (I think they know) so they can seek help so he doesn't lose more development. Please share any wisdom or advise you have. How we love this little boy is not affected by whether he has Austism or not.

[specialmom]

I had a 15 month old when I had my second child.  Our pediatrician told us to NEVER leave the baby alone with another young child.  Even when making a bottle, the parents should bring the baby into the kitchen.  I had a moses basket that I could bring into a room with me---  very portable.  Get them one of those.  

Who knows---  perhaps he is trying to comfort the child as he hears the baby crying.  Perhaps he doesn't understand what he is doing.  

His parents need to not put him or the baby in that situation.  

good luck

[Kablekakes]

I did mean to mention that they now have a 3 month old daughter. Recently, in the last month, my grandson has pulled her to the ground when she is crying, This has happened when a parent stepped into the kitchen to make a bottle and the baby was in the swing or on the couch. My grandson shows no remorse or fear of being in trouble when this happens. They of course, no longer leave him alone with her. Parents are explaining it as jealousy, I wonder if the noise is irritating to him as can be the case in some children with autism. Does this sound like a jealousy issue? We have never experienced that it our child raising experience,

[Kablekakes]

Thanks again for the comments. I have a visit coming up in two weeks with them. My heart is telling me to talk with my son, as his mom, and express what I think he is already feeling. I want them to know I am on their side.

[Sandman2]

    The one other thing to keep in mind is that the if the child does have autism, the sooner treatment can be started, the better his chances are for a more normal life.  This is really important!

[Kablekakes]

This site has been so helpful and supportive. Thank you so much!

[Kablekakes]

Thanks for your reply. I have been taking some time to  research medical assistance for them if they choose to ask me. It was very apparent at our Father's Day gathering that this little guy behaves differently. I could see my son comparing his son's actions to the other kids older and younger. It has to be so hard for him to come to a realization and them act on it.

[Kablekakes]

Thanks for  your heartfelt reply. I do think they might know that there is something wrong and are "hoping" it will go away as he grows. I know there is nothing worse than a nosey know it all mother in law and we do have a good relationship. I like your insight and it has given me more to consider. Thanks/

[AnnieBrooke]

It might be that your message has already penetrated.  It can take a little time for a mother or father to work out what such a thing means and where to go next, for help or diagnosis.  I think in your shoes I would assume that they have heard you and let go of the need you feel to compel them to address it right now or even to discuss it with you right now.  They are the parents, and see the child every moment of the day, and are probably more on top of this than you think.  

[specialmom]

HI there.  I'm sure this is really hard.  My question for you is ---  are you sure they aren't more aware of things than you think and just not talking to you about it at the moment?  

I ask that because my own son who was diagnosed at 3.5 and officially at 4 with sensory integration disorder---  while we were working on a diagnosis, it was a very sensitive time for me.  I didn't open up to a lot of people.  I had my own worries and was doing things my way.

I had one sister in law that approached me, I'm sure well intentioned, with her thoughts.  But it rubbed me the wrong way.  I shut the conversation down and do you know that until this day, years later, I've never mentioned my son's diagnosis with her or talked to her about it?  

so, I do agree that you must find a way to talk to them but in a way that A. doesn't sound you like you absolutely know what is going on and B. doesn't make them defensive.  If you give them a list of where their child is lacking compared to others, they'll tune you out because it hurts.  That's what happens for a lot of parents, they go into denial.  

One thing that really helps a parent 'realize' is to have their child around a child of the same age that is developing normally.  Could you arrange that?

Otherwise, you have to carefully express your concern giving them the utmost respect as the parents.

Now, they do amazing things with autistic children.  Many kids that are on the spectrum also have sensory integration disorder.  My son was 4 when he was officially diagnosed and is doing fantastic today at 10.  

good luck and let us know how it turns out.  

[MarkLakewood3367]

I think that it is very important that you express your feelings to your son and his wife now.  Assuming that your grandson has autism, the longer the wait for treatment, the more permanent the symptoms will become.  The best time for your grandson to receive treatment for autism is when he is young.  I think the needs of this child is the most important.