Three year old and bullying

[soldiermedic]

Hello,

This is my first post here, and it addresses an issue that has recently surfaced with our three year old son.  Since my son was one, I have been deployed away from home.  Since I was only 2 hours away, I drove home every weekend, holiday, and even had vacation times at home.  We spoke on the phone nightly.  I have recently returned home, and recently his behavior at the sitter has become a problem.  The last two days the sitter has told us that he is pushing other children down, or hitting/kicking them.

When he has had behavioral problems at home we have tried time out, but he flails violently, screams, and kicks towards the wall.  It takes all of our strength sometimes to hold him there, but it usually makes him feel worse.  We also have had to spank him for his bad behavior.

We wonder if this behavior is due to my return to the house, or if he is punishing other kids because we punish him (_#%* rolls downhill) type of thing.  We also wonder if it could be related to how my son and I play (Sometimes he will tackle me if I am laying down), or if he picked it up from television when we were watching boxing.

Alot of questions on my mind, but I am pulling him from daycare for the rest of the week to see if it helps at all.

Any suggestions will be helpful, and I think we may hold off on the spankings for a little while.

Thanks alot,

Steve

[karinav3]

I don't think I can really address the issue of why he behaves that way... It seems maybe he's angry about something though.... I think you shouldn't play fight or tackle because he might think it it's ok with you he can do it with other people.. My son's uncles use to play with him that way so he would go to school and punch everyone.. and would say he was just playing..

With my son which he'll be turning 8 in Dec.. when he throws tamtrums I ignore it now.. his therapist told me to ignore any type of tramtrum, let them cry and cry until they are tired.. the reason they do that is to get some type of reaction from you and when you yell at them or tell them to stop you gave them what they wanted... So they know how to annoy you now  :o/  My son was banging the wall a few days ago, before I would have walked in that room and probably yelled at him to stop, but I bit my  toungue and ignored it and finally he stopped and fell asleep...   Try putting him in the corner for time out and if he kicks and cries tell him you will had a minute.. usually you go by their age.. so 4 min will be forever !! so give him another minute if he doesn't listen.. and tell him the faster you stop crying you wont be punished anymore..

Remember stay calm.... don't let them see you upset... ignore ignore (bad behavior)

Good luck

[RockRose]

I think this is really common for military families.  You've been gone for basically two years - and visited on the weekends?    (I've never heard of anyone being deployed two hours from home for two years - it's kind of baffling that you and your wife didn't make it work to live in the same home during that time especially since your son was a baby and now he's much older).  

This is common,  though.  He's been parented by mom,  and now all of a sudden you're there all the time,  and it's like she's got a boyfriend or a new husband.  

When you say you might "hold off on the spankings for awhile" it sounds like this is very very common in your home for him.  I don't think,  though,  that wrestling and playing rough with him is at all an issue.   Boy chldren love to rough house.  I don't think this leads to hurting other children.  It leads to spirited play.  

Best wishes.  I think you're going to have to work really hard to regain a family unit, and if it happens again that you get sent two hours from your family,  they should follow you.  Or you should somehow have a home in the middle.  You've been gone too much,  and missed too much,  even though you've been there on weekends.   It's not the same.

[soldiermedic]

Rose,

I was mobilized stateside about 120 miles from my home.  My spouse is also in the military and is mobilized here in our home town...hence she could not follow me.  Furthermore the Army would not put my family up in housing on base when they would not be authorized to be there.  I was usually gone no more than 4-5 days at a time depending on the situation.  I was very lucky with my situation since I was home alot....more than any other mobilized soldier.

He tells us no a great deal of the time, tells us he can't do things when we ask him to, and is now bullying the other kids.

Any other suggestions?

[RockRose]

soldier - I grew up in a military family.  My dad was in Viet Nam,  and now my brother in law was in Iraq.  

It's just really disruptive,  even though you don't think it will be,  for the dad to be gone and the mother to be doing all the discipline, and suddenly the dad is back and both mom and dad are extremely comfortable with each other - but the child isn't.  Suddenly,  the child is being over-disciplined,  which happens even in military families that are intact.

I think you need to ease into this very slowly.  You had a great idea,  stop spanking him.  Just stop.  

Thank you for your service to the country.  Military families suffer really undue hardships,  and most of the hardships are not easily recognized - they are kind of underground,  unspoken hardships that don't surface until the children are grown and tell what their experience was like.  

[DustyL]

I have one suggestion.... go to the nearest book store and purchase Lynn Clarks SOS Help for Parents. it's a great book!!! You and your wife can read it and then pass it on to the sitter. I think you will notice a 180 almost immediately, once you find out a different approach to handeling things. Also another recommendation is Lynn Clarks SOS Help with emotions. It will help you help your son express his emotions using words instead of violence and teach you how to teach him!!!

I do agree with Rose, spanking is showing him exactly what you DON'T want him to do. hit! My kids have told me no many many many times and (after I implemented what I read in the books) I simply would say "No is not an option, try again" Remarkably, they did what I requested the second time around. Sometime I would have to repeate myself 2 or 3 times... but If you stay calm, He'll stay calm. If he starts to throw a tantrum, turn your back to him and ignor him until he is done. When he's done again repeat your request. Ignore the "ignorable" in otherwords... if he's not hurting anything but your ears... IGNORE IT!!!! Once he realizes he's not going to get your attention, he'll learn to stop. I think too that it may have a little to do with you returning home, but mostly he's 3 it's what they do.... Testing the waters is pretty much in there job description to do at 3 and 4 years old. (more 3 in boys, 4 in girls)

I would buy the book, i think you will find it was the best $15.00 you've spent in a long time!!! GOOD LUCK and KEEP US POSTED!!!!

[Agiesmom]

I agree with RR in that you need to ease back into being a family unit again.

My son was very rambunctious at 3 and I made a time-out area--there was no way I was going to stand there and hold him on the stair or in the chair for three minutes.  (And only do one minute per year--any longer and they have no idea why they are there because they forget.)  And don't re-start the timer when he leaves the area--just take him back calmly without saying a word.  Our time out area was the entry-way--it's a 4'X4' space with a bench and four wide stairs going up to the living room.  He would move around down there from the bench, to the floor, to the stairs.  And he could look out the window.  I didn't care.  He didn't like being there and he could always tell me why he was there when it was time to come out.  At first, he could scream, yell, cry--I just ignored him for those three minutes.

I also did "Magic 1-2-3" with him at that age--basically, you tell them what you want them to do (or not do) and then count to three.  When you hit three, there's a consequence.  This helped to cut back on the time-outs because then he had a few seconds to consider the consequence, but he learned that it was literally only a few seconds every time.  To give them three, five, or two warnings randomly isn't really fair--they don't know if this is the time they'll get six warnings or two.

Good luck to you.  And thank you so much for all you do for us and our country.