Three year old is out of control

[exhausted in New England]

Does my three year old need to be evaulated or is this behavior age appropriate?  My 3 year old is the second of three boys ages 5,3 and 2.  His is very aggressive and seems to be out of control.  My wife and I are at a loss for how to help him.  He does not respond to punishments: timeout, spanking, loss of toys, privileges etc...  He has violent, screaming 30-40 mintue temper tantrums over nothing.  He screamed this evening for 20 minutes because he didn't want to go in to the bathroom to pee before bed. We have tried everything from ignoring the tantrums to trying to head them off.  He seems to lose complete control(slaps himself in the head, etc).  We hesitate to take him places because when it comes time to leave and he doesn't want to go, he has a tantrum.  For the past several weeks, he has started hitting his brothers for no reason.  Unprovoked, he will walk up to them and hit them--usually leaving a mark.  His older brother has great red stripes down his chest from where he dug him, also unprovoked.  In addition to all this, he ignores us when we ask him to do something he does not want to do. He acts as though he is deaf.   (We even had his hearing checked--all is ok.
There have been no major life events, no change of schools or home or deaths or anything.  He seems to have always been like this only it has intensified in the last three months.  We are happily married and there are no other family issues.  You also should know that he really can be our most loving child.  He is very cuddly and sweet--but only when he is getting his way.  Please help--we are afraid he is becoming pathological.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The key piece of information you provided is that the state you describe has been your son's baseline state vs a change from the usual. Now, it could be that this early temperament results from a difficulty tolerating frustration and managing the anger that goes with it. If so, as development proceeds, he might well develop a more reasonable response to frustration of his wishes. However, you may also be witnessing the early signs of a mood disorder. Is there a family history, even among relatives if not with you and your wife, of mood disorder (either depression or bipolar disorder)? An evaluation would be in order to help clarify what is occurring and, at the very least, to provide some suport to you and your wife in managing your son's behavior. Don't regard it as 'a stage' - it's better not to watch and wait.

[sarahmjk]

My 3 yr old daughter is completely out of control. She has always been head strong but since I had her 10 mth old brother it has become unbearable. She hits him and knocks him down, won't let him play with anything. It almost seems like hatred. I don't know what to do with her. If we put her in time out she just gets up screaming. I've tried spanking her but no fix. It's not so bad when she's home. It's when they go stay at my parents house. They have no control over her. Please help?

[brandy400]

A related discussion, 3 year old daughter was started.

[BigBad2374]

A related discussion, My 3 year old is scaring the **** out of me! was started.

[certified]

Well i also have a 3 year old who has the same promblem as yours sometimes i just sit and cry because i don't know what to say or do to make it all better with him he come home from daycare and he just start telling me all kinds of things like he 's going to kill me and he don't like me. sometimes i get scared as if i done something wrong and i know i didn't i look at him then i look at the other siblings and they are fines it's just one in the bunch. he is potty train but don't likes to go to the bathroom wherever he is that's where he will go at. i'm scared because he pops his head up against thing as hard as he can he pops his sister and brothers i took him to his family dr. and she says that what 3 year old do but i can't understand why and why don't the rest of them  acts the way he does anybody that know anything please let me know because i need all the help in the world

[tantrumhealer]

Hi there, I understand the problem you are going through. Many parents go through this and even I went through it with my daughter. She was so making noise when guests were home and wouldnt stop crying and throwing tantrum when I would go to work. So I chose to gave her TULA TANTRUM TAMER ( http://www.drugdelivery.ca/s31076-s-TULA-TANTRUM-TAMER-PILLULES.aspx ), which soothed her anger and made her calm. You could try that! Good luck with your kid.

[daddiesgirlforever]

Sounds like "middle child syndrome"(thats what my family calls it anyways) My nephew is the same way, he's also very emotional if he doesnt get what he wants, one day for example, I brought my 2 boys over to there house, and my nephew wanted to see who was taller(him or my son) well my son(being older than him) was taller, He had a complete meltdown. We just chalk it up to him being the middle child.

[HappyNewChompers]

I have a similar situation with my three year old. He sounds almost mirror like to yours. He has 3 brothers ages 11, 5, and 11 months. He can be very loving and cuddly when he wants to be. He can also be head strong and throw a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way. I found that having a routine and explaining to him that in 5 minutes we're going to get dressed then we'll eat breakfast or in 15 minutes he has to get out of the tub then continue the countdown. Example-
"Joe, in five minutes we'll take a bath."
Put him in bath.
"In 15 minutes, you'll get out."
"Now in 5 minutes, the water has to go to the water store to get clean again so you'll need to get out" Or some similar funny saying to make it sound less like an order.
"Now we can read a book"
When my son has a routine, he does better because he knows what's coming next every day. I know it sounds funny for a head strong kid but it seems to work better. If they don't know what to expect, then they feel like their in control (which they can't handle) and you don't want that. Also, I've noticed when he's frustrated because he can't communicate the temper tantrums flow. If he has a hard time expressing the correct words to make me understand what he wants, he gets upset.
I do agree with the previous poster to speak with his doctor just to make sure all is well with his health. Good luck!

[siren of the sea]

have you talked to your doctor? maybe he could be tested for autism or such. my son did this but he was going through divorce and maybe that was the reason. thank god he grew out of it. i would have to hold him down as he would tear the house up or hit . best of luck to you both