To spank or not to spank

I am not a parent or a guardian of anyone, which is probably my first problem. I have lived with my girlfriends nephew for about a year now and it seems that every day that goes by he becomes more mouthy, disobedient, and more imposable to live with.  I have no papers or legal preceding that state he is in my care but yet he is.  His mother is in her late 20's still living at home with her parents, doesn't work, doesn't take care of her two kids, we feel special when she gets out of bed long enough to make an appearance.  She has no physical handicaps, but her mental well-being is defiantly in question.  She shows no remorse for her kids and has even scolded her youngest for trying to show her his new present that he got from his birthday party earlier that day, she slept through it.  

The child I have living with me is a 4 year old boy.  He is so out of control anymore I am not sure if I can maintain my sanity any longer.  Think I am exaggerating try this..., when I was 10 years old my Grandfather owned and operated a small gun shop.  That Christmas he gave me a vintage operational rifle.  I still have the rifle and keep it in very good condition, the nice thing about this rifle is I can remove the bolt or firing mechanism.  Without this piece intact in the gun is literally a pipe bolted to some wood, making it harmless to anyone.  Still taking precautions the gun, the bolt, and all the ammunition were hidden throughout the house.  One day shortly after I had the gun in this new house with the 4 year old he had found all three items and had tried to reassemble them.  Luckily he was unable to get the bolt placed back into position but had it crammed into that location.  I do not know how he figured out where everything was, especially seeing all but the ammunition were hidden in the bedroom which he is not allowed in.  I knew he was aware that it existed but how he found everything, and then figured out how the bolt was even required I do not know.  Fortunately he was not able to load the gun or set off any ammunition.  By the time I had found out he had ran up to his grandparents two houses up the road.

Another incident is with some of the many pets we have here.  We were raising some baby mallard ducks and were keeping them in a dog kennel.  He was allowed to go in and play with them as long as he was nice and didn't let them out.  He went in with a friend of his, and I was a short distance away and keep a watchful eye on them.  After about ten minutes of them being in there he ran out of the kennel left his friend, and went to his grandparents two houses away.  I had gone to the kennel out of suspicion and noticed two ducks floating belly up in the water.  I had asked his friend what happened and she explained to me that he had squeezed the ducks.  Again he had gotten away with something else because I do not have custody.

I am well aware that there is a problem here and maybe even some emotional abuse by more than one person.  I was disciplined by being spanked as a child.  This is all I know about about to raise a child.  I have no problem with this method of discipline.  The only time out I ever got as a child was mom switching hands.  I may not of liked this method but I respect my parents now and understand them completely.  This little boy does not respect anyone or anything.  If he doesn't get something he wants he makes my life a living hell for the remainder of the day.  I have talked to his grandparents they have pretty much given me free rule of his live but they can also go back on their word and not that I don't trust them, I just don't know them well enough to know my boundaries.  I am sure if I put him in the hospital they would yank him out of here in a heart beat.  I have a hard time spanking him though and nothing seems to work.  

I have tried putting him in "Time-Out" and he just says "I sit here then I can play?"  I have increased time from 5 to 10 minutes, making him stand in the corner instead of sitting in a chair.  Going to bed early, making him take naps.  I am running out of options, nothing is working..., and I can't very well do much when he is at his grandparents.  His grandparents have three kids living with them still from 21-27 years old, so there stress level is high enough.  Some days I am about ready to drag him out into the street and spank him half to death.  He knows what gets me upset and gets me after him and sometimes I think that is why he does it.  I spend time with him take him to the zoo, parks and everything and for the first half hour or so he is good, then he starts slipping and becomes the devils spawn once again.  I feel like I am in over my head.  I am not a parent, I jumped into this child's life when he was 3 and he acts as if he doesn't want me around.  He knows right from wrong, he knows how to be good, but why doesn't he!?!?!?  Please help me I will try anything right about now, I don't care if I have to fly to Europe to dig up Sigmund Freud himself for the answer here..., I am pushing the point of being sane here.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

There's no sense in beating around the bush. A litle advice about managing behavior will not suffice to change the course things are going with this little boy. While the impulse to spank him is understandable, it will do no good. Please seek professional intervention - this little guy is in dire need of stability in his life, and may well have to live outside the family in order to receive it.

[Emily Ann]

That poor little kid. It sounds like his life is chaos. Where is your girlfriend in all of this? Why isn't she undertaking any discipline?

[mag]

Oh boy can I relate to this one.

My stepson is just about the same child that you described.  He was raised by his mother and grandmother,(right after his grandfather died) and both of these women had him so spoiled it is scary.  He had no bedtime at age 3,(he would often stay awake until midnight if he felt like it), would refuse to eat anything but hot dogs or pizza, and had temper tantrums that were actually painful to watch, I kid you not, they actually scared me.

I do not know if it is nature or nurture(mental illness runs in his family).  I can tell you that I tried other methods of behavior after I married his mom, but like you got nowhere with them.  Time outs, HAH!, not on this child, taking away toys or tv did no good because he is so dependent on his mother, that he will not play with his toys or watch tv unless someone does it with him.  I finally spanked him  two or three occaisions.

The good news is yes, it did stop the behavior, the bad news is that it did not stop the personality problems that are underlying the behavior.  The child has respect for me, but I have come to the conclusion that there are greater problems here, more than any old fashioned spanking could ever solve.

Today he punched a fellow school mate in the groin, and then laughed about it.  When the teacher called, my wife confronted him.  She used to work in the health field industry and said that the look he gave her was eerie.....just like the ones the sociopaths that she used to work with gave her.  We are going to make plans for a mental evaluation and see if we  can find out what is this poor child's problems really are.  I would encourage you to do the same.