Toddler rude to his parents

[jkrfla]

My husband and I are grandparents of a precious 3-year-old boy and a beautiful 8-month old girl. The toddler has recently been allowed to spend the night with us a few times. We have tons of fun with him and devote most of our time to him when he is with us. The problem starts when his parents come to pick him up. He tells them to go away and doesn't want to hug and kiss them. He doesn't want to leave our house.  We don't spoil him with food or gifts. We go out of our way to do everything his parents ask of us while he is with us.

Now our son has said that the boy cannot spend the night with us anymore until he learns to treat his parents nicer. When they come to get him they "take him over" and it's like we are not even around. They won't even let us talk to him after they get here.

What can be done to help my son and his wife not get his feelings hurt by this?

jkrfla

[jkrfla]

Yes, I live in Florida and our grandkids call us "Meemaw" and "Peepaw". We love it.

I did talk to my son a little tonight and I tried to offer some alternative suggestions about when they come to pick him up, etc. as another member had mentioned to me. He told me not to worry about it too much--I think he realized he made a big deal out of this. I told him how much keeping my grandson meant to us and that life is too short to keep him away just because his mom and dad get their feelings hurt. He seems to be starting to understand--I hope so anyway.

Thanks for everyone's replies.  This has been so much help to me.

Loving Meemaw

[anxiousmomtobe?]

My three year old wanted to go to Nanny and Bumpie's house all by himself for Christmas.  Ouch, but I did realize what he really wanted was time to just be with them without the other kids.

I would approach your son over the phone and kindly tell him your concerns.  

Congrats on being a "meemaw"  are you in the south?

Your love and concern is a blessing to those children.

[happybaby23]

I have a 5 year old and a 6 month old.  I think you hit the nail on the head with the fact that it has a lot to do with his new sister.

My 5 year old loves my husband's parents.  They took her camping over the summer for special weekends with no baby sister.  When they would come to visit a lot of their time was focused on her because the baby was usually napping, eating, etc..  She would always pitch a fit when they brought her home or would leave.  

They (your son and wife) need to recognize that.  I'm sure they just don't see it from his perspective.  He was the one who got all of their attention for so long and now he has to share them with his sister.  When he is with you he gets that old feeling back.  It's natural.  Instead of punishing him they need to try to work on his jealousy.  Do they each spend one on one time with him?  I know it's hard with a new baby, but I'm sure so much of this stems from feeling left out.  Do they have ways to include him with the baby?  I will let my 5 year old hold her bottle now, hand me wipes, pick out her clothes, etc..  I think knowing that she is a part of the new baby has helped a lot.

[jkrfla]

When my son comes to pick him up they do stay and visit. After about an hour my grandson usually adjusts after a crying spell. I think it may have something to do with his new baby sister. She is 8 months old now and he doesn't like me showing her a lot of attention. He wants me all to himself.  We have a very special bond. He is certainly the light of my life and I play with him outside a lot. He loves that.

I hope that my son will learn to accept that this is just a phase.

jkrfla

[kenziesmom]

My daughter used to do the same thing to me when I picked her up from the sitter.  She would tell me "no" and hide behind the sitter.  I wasn't offended; I was happy that I found such a wonderful person to watch my child while I was at work!  Some kids have a tough time with transitions.  Do his parents rush out the door as soon as they get there?  That may be the problem.  Maybe if they visited for a little bit, became engaged with something he does at your house, he would be okay with leaving.  He will only learn to resent them more if he doesn't see the peole he loves united.

[jkrfla]

My son and his wife are really great but the parenting thing is still new to them. The new baby is breast fed so that excludes my grandson from that activity. They do ask him to help with her but he mostly tries to push the baby away when she gets too close to him. When we go to visit them my grandson wants me to go in his room with him and he shuts the door so no one can interrupt our playtime. My husband (Grandpa) is wrapped around the baby granddaughter's finger so he spends most of his time with her.
Things are so different these days than when we were raising our kids. They have so much and they know so much it's almost scary.  They are so smart at such a young age.  

Hopefully in time my son and his wife will understand that this is a phase they have to work through with their 3 year old son. He was their pride and joy before baby sis came along and now it seems he is always being reprimanded for his behaviour.

Life is so tough sometimes....(sob)

Loving Meemaw,
jkrfla

[jkrfla]

Thanks for the reply. It's nice to know that someone understands how we feel. I really like the idea you have of meeting on neutral ground to return him to his parents. I feel so bad when he is punished for his behaviour when they come to get him. Thanks so much for your help. I feel much better.

jkrfla

[mom@homenow]

His parents need to realize that the boy is only three and he isn't  trying to be rude. He's not old enough to have that much social awareness! He just loves his grandparents and wants to be with them as much as possible. When his parents arrive, that signals the end of his special time alone with you, the end of his visit. And so he's frustrated by his lack of control over his situation which is about to change drastically. (he's going home)

In my humble opinion his parents are being very self centered. His behavior has very little to do with his parents and a lot to do with the love and security he feels with you and your husband. They are punishing him for behavior that is very normal for a young child that he cannot control nor understand. And they're punishing you, too. Rediculous! When my son went through this stage I was absolutely thrilled that he felt so secure with my parents and that he wanted so badly to be with them. We even joked about it, that I didn't need to get him til he was through college! (My parent's always gave a weary laugh and made sure he was in the car to go home...) He's almost 5 now and after he stays with them he still doesn't want to come home although he's civilized about it now. I never even considered it to be a reflection on me or my husband, I love that he loves his grandparents so much!

One possible solution to make his parent's feel less threatened by his devotion to you would be to end his visit with you differently. If you are able to take him to his home then do so, so that he is already there and can integrate back with his toys & things as you leave. Otherwise meet up with his parents on neutral terf (at a store? a nearby playground? for lunch or icecream?) and have him leave to go home with them from there rather than from your house. He's less likely to make such a scene that way, but there are no guarantees. In addition, when he's with you have him make a little art project or picture for his parents or his sister, so that when it is time to make the switch he has something to look forward to, giving them his project and getting praised for it.

Good luck, it saddens me to think they are withholding your access to him and vice versa because of their own insecurities. But he's their child and it's their right, I guess.