Toddler rude to single mom

Hi,

My 4 y.o. son and I have lived with my parents for the past two years, where I work part-time for the family and take care of my child full-time.  My parents, who have no other grandchildren to leave the family business to, wish to adopt him (!) at some point, which is agaist my wish.  

I'm not sure if it's in any way related to the family dynamics, but my son has recently started to have behavioral problems with me.  When I ask my son to interrupt play to clean up, eat his meal etc, he would say things like, "Nobody likes you.  It's supposed to be like that, simple!"  Though I'm his prime caretaker day and night, my son often refers to my mother as "mom" and me as his "nana (grandmother)", maybe just to see how I respond.  Though precocious, he also tends to get physically aggressive (kicking and hitting me) when he can't have his way.  The father of my child is not in his life at the moment.      

As I do wish to go back to work outside my family soon, is moving out the best recourse to my son's behavioral problems?  Please advise.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Oh, I'm so sorry you are in this situation.  That is hard because you were doing what you needed to do to make a home for your son.  I'm concerned about your moving though, although I agree that it is probably for the best, as it will create an instability in your son's home life.  By this I mean---  whether it was good for your parental relationship for him or not, you set up a home for him with your parents.  This is his normal.  Now, I think your parents have done a grave injustice to you and I would speak to them--------------  I would ask them to support you as his mother.  Your parents seem like they also may try to go after you for custody of him which would be ugly!  You don't want this.

So, I think it is in the best interest of all to try to move on peacefully (as you have said your goal would be).  Allow the grandparents to have time with him.  And when you set up your home, plan on a rough adjustment period.  Remember, many a 4 year old is less than charming at times.  Some of that is normal, but he will be feeling disjointed by leaving his 'normal' now and will have to get used to the new situation.  I think in the longrun it will be better for you both but prepare for some bumps in the road along the way.  

Let us know how it goes----  luck and peace in the new year.

[margypops]

I would say yes as he seems to be influenced by your parents a great deal, it would be better if he visits them rather than living with them, make sure you have fun times with him, taking him out and playing games.When he is rude it may be best not to respond but ignore it, if he hits there should be consequences like a time out or a privilege removed as that behavior is un acceptable .

[adgal]

I agree, it's time to get out on your own.  First off, it sounds like your parents are very involved in his care which is wonderful, but if you both live with them and they are involved, I think whom to listen to could probably get confusing for him.  The mom/grandma rolls getting mixed up perhaps?  Also, if it were me, I would not be happy with my parents wanting to adopt my child.  Unless you are somehow neglectful or an unfit parent (and I don't think that's the case or anything), those really should be the only reasons for a change of custody.  I mean, your his mother.  That's terrible.  So I wonder if he is sensing the tension that must exist between you and your parents, or perhaps even witnessing arguing or conversations around this issue between the two of you?  If it were me, I would be moving.  I know being a single mom is tough, but you can do this, and I do think it's probably best for both of you.  Just my opinion.

[tintinsmom]

Thank you so much for taking time out of busy life to answer my question.  

I quesss I just wanted to air some of my feelings without sounding too much like an ingrate.  I would definitely take a definitive step in the coming year toward moving out while maintaining the loving relationship between my son and his grandparents as best I can.

Wishing you and yours a very happy and healthy 2012!  

[margypops]

That's a great attitude and definatly the way to go in my opinion, best of both worlds ..Good luck and a Happy New Year to you .

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Oh, I'm so sorry you are in this situation.  That is hard because you were doing what you needed to do to make a home for your son.  I'm concerned about your moving though, although I agree that it is probably for the best, as it will create an instability in your son's home life.  By this I mean---  whether it was good for your parental relationship for him or not, you set up a home for him with your parents.  This is his normal.  Now, I think your parents have done a grave injustice to you and I would speak to them--------------  I would ask them to support you as his mother.  Your parents seem like they also may try to go after you for custody of him which would be ugly!  You don't want this.

So, I think it is in the best interest of all to try to move on peacefully (as you have said your goal would be).  Allow the grandparents to have time with him.  And when you set up your home, plan on a rough adjustment period.  Remember, many a 4 year old is less than charming at times.  Some of that is normal, but he will be feeling disjointed by leaving his 'normal' now and will have to get used to the new situation.  I think in the longrun it will be better for you both but prepare for some bumps in the road along the way.  

Let us know how it goes----  luck and peace in the new year.

[margypops]

As I said in my post I think you are doing the right thing for you both good luck