Troublesome 3 year old

[deeelite70]

Hi. I have a son who is almost 3. Since he was 17 months, he has been aggressive to other children, including hitting, biting, and most recently kicking. We have just been asked to remove him from his second day care facility. During quiet times at Day care, he wouldn't sit on the mat like the other children. He would wander around the room and do whatever he pleased, with no objection from those who "cared" for him. I believe that for them, it was just easier than causing a scene. He would rarely do what was asked of him. His speech is not always clear, and he rarely makes sentences longer than 3 words. He does, however, have quite a large vocabulary, can recognize all numbers from 0-20, and can count for the most part from 0-20. He can also recognize a number of words, and count objects. If he is given an electronic device, such as a smart phone, tablet, gaming console or TV, he can sit in one spot for hours on end.For the most part, to me, he is a very loving and cuddly child. But take him outside the door of the house, and he RUNS. In the shops, he is impossible to control. His biting attacks, although sometimes over toys, are random as a child walks past. He shares a lot of eye contact with me, as well as kisses and cuddles. He has a very expressive face. The last Child Care Director suggested he may have an ASD. However, where I can see the occasional characteristic, I don't believe any of these disorders are the answer (and she didn't like me saying so!). He is physically co-ordinated - he runs FAST. Oh, and he will not sit in time out for anything in the world ... even trying to put him back there for hours on end is just a game to him. Any input, comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much in advance!

[Chrislee1979]

To this issue: he maybe Pdd- nos its a spectrum disorder. My son is the same as you explain. After he was diagnosed I learned a gluten free casein free soy free diet free of processed food and artificial dyes do work . As your gut is a direct link to your brain and crap food shuts it down some how. I was not a firm believer of it but now I know it does work there is soo much out there for this. Of I knew food was the issue I would never had my son diagnosed but he can be reassessed and have the title removed. In Canada it is beneficial to have a diagnoses for help with behavior , etc. anyways check out Jenny mccartys book about her son it has info on how to get going naturally. Because unfortunately it takes alot of hard work, time, money etc and healing his gut is primary. If you need help there are lots of naturalpaths called DAN! Dictirs who deal with the diet etc. even if your son isn't diagnosed ASD yet it may get him out of it entirely

[specialmom]

You are welcome and I'm always here if you want to 'chat' about it all!  Best of luck to you and your son.

[deeelite70]

Thank you so much ... you are awesome! There are so many things I want to try with him now that you have bought my attention to SPD. I will certainly let you know the outcomes of every step that we experience on our journey. Thank you again!

[deeelite70]

Sorry ... I haven't refreshed the page since I read the initial replies. My son sleeps well at the Day Care, or in the car, but I can't get him to go to sleep for anything in the world. At night, unless he hasn't slept during the day, I have difficulty getting him to sleep.For example, last night, it was 11:30pm, only to be up at 4:30am when his dad left for work. I will be taking him out shortly for a play, then lunch. But my guess is that he won't be sleeping today. Short of tying him to the bed, I'm at a bit of a loss, quite honestly. And the sedative recommended by the doctor has the opposite effect. Other nights, he is up between 1-3am and comes to sleep with me, waking up again usually between 5-6am. His hearing was one of the things I have considered, and his ears have been flushed before by the doctor. He had a run of ear infections as a baby, but I have noticed now that he seems to have little to no wax. I never have to "clean" his ears, if that makes sense. He doesn't seem to have any other allergies, however on Sunday night, after staying at Granny's place for the weekend, he broke out in a nasty case of hives. We have sent a letter of referral to the Childhood Development unit of the hospital yesterday through the doctor. Diva2317 - he really only has 2 symptoms of ASD. I have read through all of these thoroughly. He doesn't toe-walk, flap his arms, has perfect eye contact and can be verbal - he just doesn't seem to be able to make sentences like the children in the groups at his previous Day Care centres. I can sit down with many of them and have a conversation. My boy, however, will say a couple of words. I encourage him by asking open ended questions, and if I'm lucky I'll get a one or two word response. BUT ... in saying that, I have kept, and will continue to keep, an open mind. After "expelling" him on Friday, the Director of the Day Care today called me to ask why he hasn't been there. *sigh* ... I guess I need to wait for a call now from the Hospital to let me know when they can see him. This is the second attempt, but a different hospital. The first one couldn't see him for 12 months, and wouldn't even add him to a waiting list. Thank you all again for your wishes, support and suggestions. I will definitely keep you posted, and if anyone has any other thoughts or suggestions before our hospital appointment (whenever that may be ... ) I am more than happy to give anything a try. I might just say, he has been a completely different child these past few days at home. I'm actually excited to see how it all pans out, and we can find a "normal" path to our lives, however it unfolds.

[specialmom]

You are so welcome.  I'm always so happy to use my son's experience to help others.  He also did not respond well to time out to be honest.  I had much better luck with using a beloved item as a bargaining chip.  An item that means a lot to my child----  to withhold it for a short time really got to him.  The trouble is, all punishment with a three year old must be immediate.  If something happens at school-----  you talk about it at home but any punishment must happen at the time of the event.  

If you are interested in ideas for sensory related help-----  I'm available anytime.  Taking 2 other kids and your son out into the hall and doing leap frogs down it a couple of times or having the whole class MARCH (slapping feet down) to the playground are simple things that will directly help your son if his nervous system is out of sync like my son's.  These types of things provide 'input' to the nervous system and calm it.  My son does a tremendous amount of physical activity which directly affects his behavior in a positive way.  anyway, as you learn more about what is going on--------  I'm happy to share ideas that we found helped.  

Know that if your son does have a sensory issue, school is a rough place for him.  He could very well be trying his best.  My boys self esteem took a major hit during those years and we still are working on fixing that.  Make sure you always talk about the action he had and not him being bad.

Good luck at your doctor's appointment----  keep in touch and let us know what transpires.  

[deeelite70]

Firstly, I'd like to say a huge thank you for all of your replies. I was overwhelmed by the number of replies in such a short length of time. I will try to answer you all the best I can. My daughter is 11, and not aggressive at all. She was on the opposite end of it when she went to Day Care. So, I know he hasn't learned it from her. It has only been fairly recently where he will sit with technological devices, and the biting started before this. He was bullied from a young age at his first Day Care centre. From the moment I took him in there, a child who was only a few months older than him took an instant dislike, and would pull him by the hair, or hit and kick him. To my knowledge, he wasn't bitten by this child. My boy was 7.5 months when he first went to Day Care. The cold reality is that if I did not go back to work, we wouldn't eat or have a roof over our heads. And I recently lost my job, so I can observe him at home, but it is not the same as being in a room full of children. In the last days at the Day Care, I stayed to observe his behaviour quite a bit. Unfortunately, he stuck to me like glue. BUT, while I was there, there was no biting. He would lash out and hit for no reason, but teeth weren't used while I was present. It is the days that he doesn't get a lot of physical activity at Day Care (rainy days), or when a couple of rooms full of children are placed into one where he uses his teeth the most. I read him "Teeth Are Not For Biting" over and over, and he knows that it is the wrong thing to do. He is usually removed from the situation, and the "bitee" has attention given to them. The carers at the Day Care centre have tried taking the toy back (if the bite was purely to get a toy that he wanted), but often he runs and turns it into a game, so they stopped that practise. We have tried biting him back (which I don't condone, and although I have so many parents tell me that it "worked" on their child. It doesn't work on mine.) . As I mentioned, time out is a game to him, so it is not easy to just sit him in one place for 3 minutes. He will sit nearby, but it has to be on his terms, and not where you place him. We have also changed things in his diet. For example, at one point, he was eating strawberries daily. Around this time, he seemed to be getting worse. So, we eliminated strawberries from his diet for about a month, and there was no change. specialmom, thank you so much for the advice. I have been reading up on SPD, and since I had already made an appointment to see a GP to refer him to a specialist, you have armed me with a little more information rather than having him "pidgeon-holed". I have also looked up nearby Occupational Therapists, and the SPD page for Australia. Again, thank you so much! I had never heard of SPD. I think that covers it ... Thank you all again for your prompt replies! I read them promptly, but it just took a little to get the response in there!

[skepticalpeach]

ASD is diagnosed on a spectrum, which is why some children don't seem like classic cases of autism. This is why some children are overlooked for a long time. For quite some time my DD acted like your son does during class. We had to work very hard with the school to figure out a way to keep her calm during nap time. I told them there has to be a way for them to reach her and help keep her calm. I also made her a bunch of PECS cards for at school so that she could communicate with her teachers. This helped a ton! She is also receiving speech therapy and occupational therapy. We noticed a significant difference in how she acts at school when we started the OT.

For a long time I refused to even consider ASD as a possibility for my daughter because there are so few symptoms she shows; but even a few are reason for concern. Speech is a huge one and running around the room is another. It is a misconception that all children with ASD are not affectionate. My DD is incredibly affectionate. She loves hugs and kisses and snuggling. Her symptoms fall into lesser known ones. She has poor eye contact, toe walks, and is non-verbal. I would thank the teacher for their opinion (so they know you are listening) and then go talk to a behavioral pediatrician about your concerns. While you are waiting for that appointment ask your pediatrician for a recommendation for therapy. It certainly won't hurt him to start it!

[adgal]

Well, I don't have quite as much experience as some of the other ladies, but have a few thoughts that could be possibilities.  He sounds quite bright, and I know that often very bright children can be easily frustrated.  He also sounds very active, and I wonder if he is not getting enough physical activity? and I would also wonder about his sleep.  I wonder these things as I also have a child (2 year old) who can act out when frustrated or bored.  He requires a lot of physical activity.  Otherwise he is literally climbing the walls, and that is one of only 2 circumstances where he can get a big aggressive.  The other is lack of sleep.  Is your child a good sleeper?  I know that mine is not, and when overtired I notice a real change in his behavior.  I really have to push the issue of naps, and have requested his daycare pull his mat off to the corner a little bit so that he will sleep better and hopefully longer.   When he is up several times through the night, be can get very pushy and has been known to bite.  So if your little guy has not been a good sleeper, then that might be something worth looking into.  And as Specialmom said, make sure he is getting daily physical activity and as much of it as possible.  For us, these things make a huge difference.  

I have addressed our challenges with my Pediatrician.  My son is also exceptionally bright (I know, that sounds like I am bragging, but this is according to his daycare and Dr.....of course I think he's perfect..lol).  She told me that very bright children can have extra challenges due to frustration..emotionally they are still little, but their brains can be ahead.  So it can be very frustrating for them (and sleep issues and what seems like hyperactivity can often be a part of this).  Aggression can be a part of expressing that. So that is another area I would look into.

Whatever the case turns out to be, I wish you well.  

[littlebit667]

If he is having a hard time verbally communicating (has few words that are not clear) he way be responding physically to say what he can't!  I know there are many thoughts about this, but I would definitely get his hearing checked.  Sometimes children who have "invisible" ear infections feel bad, but they have had fluid for so long they do not even recognize it and of course may not tell you because of that.  Does he have allergies, runny noses, etc. ?  Does he often not "hear" you when you really feel he should??  He may be having a bad hearing day and not respond like he might on non fluid days.  Has he had ear infections in the past as an infant.  Often they come back on older children w/o pain and you may not even know.  There are ways to check a child's hearing.  He does not have to be old enough to motion when he hears.  A good child audiologist can work with him to get a good reading.  Sometimes it takes a time or two, esp. since he is a mover.  You described my son in many ways when he was that age.  He did not bite, but did much of the other.  We discovered the problem when he was 6.  I wish we had learned about it sooner, his life and ours would have been so much easier.  Good luck.

[margypops]

I am glad you say that you dont believe any of the disorders is the answer, too many time schools and teachers will suggest what is simply normal maybe learned behavior is a 'disorder'. I would also ask what you have done to curb his behavior ..say when he bites ?

[allmymarbles]

It is so hard to know what is going on with a child when he behaves differently in different environments, unless one is there to observe. Except for his aggression he seems a normal child. He is still very young and his not wanting to sit still is hardly abnormal. Some children are more active than others.

What have you done to curb his aggression? How have you tried to stop him from biting? How does he behave when you correct him?

Is he too young for day care? Some children are not ready to leave their mothers until they are a bit older.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I gather things are worse in the 'school' environment and other busy places?  One thing to look into is sensory integration disorder or sensory processing disorder.  My son found preschool very hard to cope with and had behavior issues   My son, like yours, is quite smart but had trouble with speech.  And he would sometimes have flight or fight responses (the yelling and other things although my son didn't hit or kick.  Ugh, he spit though).  He wandered rooms, he didn't want to do what the teachers asked.  He had a rough time of it.  

Now, your boy may not have sensory issues at all----  but it is worth looking into.  Knowing that this was the root cause of my son's challenges helped us know how to help him.  An occupational therapist evaluates for it and does 'therapy' which involves time spent in a sensory gym where they play games that directly work on the nervous system (and kids LOVE) as well as behavior modification (things like playing a game with an ot and working through the emotions of winning, losing, taking turns, handling a situation that comes up appropriately).  My son is doing really great now at 8 and I'm thankful we worked so hard on his sensory issues.

So google it and see what you think---------  Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is a good website).

I'd also get books from the library on emotions written for kids so that he can have words for what is going on inside.  My kids described being in a bad mood as a 'storm cloud hanging around', being really mad as a tornado, etc.  It helps them understand what is going on in them is something they can put words to which slows down the process of just reacting when mad, sad or frustrated.  I'd also get the book "hands are not for hitting"----------  great for driving home that message.  I'd work on appropriate things he CAN do when mad.  Using his words, a calm down spot, counting, deep breaths, etc.  I'd give him choices whenever possible.  Do you want to sit on the mat with some books or do you want to sit on the mat with some puzzles?  Would you like your mat over here or by the window? If he feels like he has some control, he's more apt to comply.  
Last, I can't say enough about physical activity for behavior issues.  Get him out running, jumping, kicking a soccer ball, wrestling with dad, swimming, etc. as much as possible.  It will calm his nervous system regardless if he has sensory or not.

good luck-----  google that and see what you think,  

[Zak_Han]

you have to see specialist for this.

[margypops]

Has he any siblings could he have learned some of the behavior like biting and kicking , how much TV or tech games is he playing , maybe he has seen some older child stuff on them, you say he will sit for hours using them perhaps he would be better playing outside and doing something more physical .It is possible he does need more stimulation especially if he is bright.