Turning 6 and still no friends

[Ally777]

My daughter is the youngest in her class, but one of the brightest.  She spends most of her time seeking out older kids to play with but they tend to make their excuses and leave her by herself too.

I've posted a similar post last year, but things haven't changed and through time have got worse.  Kids are now teasing her and telling her that she 'cant play' or 'the game is for 6 year olds only' she's 5.  She's told there are parties and she's not invited too and taunted.  We got all her art home and the end of term, most of the piles of art is in connection with her being alone or being happy because someone has said yes to playing with her.  

I have highlighted this with two particular parents, and her teacher of last year.  One of the parents dealt with the issue fantastically, however, the teacher more or less told us to she was shocked with the kids in question, told us to 'get over it' and 'move on'   Honestly, I don't know what else I expected the teacher to do/say but to believe us would of been a start.

Her one and only best friend in school, has not returned this year and her mum never even thought it important enough to tell us, let alone our daughter, that she was moving.  She's now been left wandering around at lunch time alone.

What shall I do?, anything?  its heartbreaking to ask how was school everyday..

[tobbeyj]

As far as her last years teacher sharing a story and planning and carrying out a play at school - kids at the age of four cannot get the "main idea" and "the moral" and "the lesson" from a book and play. The teachers needs to set up and SHOW the kids how to play and how to be cooperative. Teacher needs to model positive behaviour and make your daughter shine in class so the other little girls want to be her friend. For example perhaps your daughter can bring something really cool and exciting to class. The teacher can really emphasize how amazing this item is etc. and then your daughter an present the item, maybe after the kids can get together in small group activities where they can do other activities with one another or she can continue to present her "cool" item.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It goes without saying that you should not permit her to play with the children of the heroin addicts. Perhaps you will find the most help by securing her involvement in constructive activities. It sounds like you are exposed to some pretty rough social problems in your area, and you may be beating your head against a wall unless you provide your daughter with more benign influences. It's almost always true, however, that when young children  have trouble interacting with peers they are part (not all or even most) of the problem. So try not to close your eyes to that possibility as well.

[tejodouro]

When Dr. Kennedy mentioned a social skills group, I believe that he means a "formal social skills class" managed by a trained professional who teaches social skills within a small group of children.  These type of classes are usually conducted by a speech therapist or a child psychologist and you need to pay a fee for them.  They usually take palce once or twice per week and you will sign up for "x' months.  Rainbow, Girl Scouts and such groups help her to practice her social skills but are probably not enough to learn the skills that she did not acquire so far.  You also need to call an evaluation at the school if she is living in the USA and using a public school ( I am only familiar with USA).  If you can not afford private social skills classes and she is not playing with other kids at school, the school needs to provide her the help that she needs: (1) weekly social skills class (2) weekly strucutured lunch and recess where a teacher helps her to make friends by providing organized acitvities that insures that she has a peer or peers to play with (3) classroom help to insure that she is being appropriatly social in the classroom . You also need to provide at home playdates with peers from her classroom that are invited after school to come and play with her. She is very young and does not mind this social issue now.  As she grows, her ability to enjoy school will become more and more dependent on her ability to be social with her peers.  Therefore, this will probably impact her success at school long term.  Good luck. It is hard but you can help her.

[Ally777]

can I ask as well, how do I possibly dis wade my daughter from playing with the unsavory characters?

I sound completely hypercritical, telling her she should be kind and thoughtful, speak to everyone and not leave anyone missed out?  This must be messing with her mind?

I can see these older girls taking advantage of her good nature, asking for her lunch, as in the past, she just lets them have it.  All the while, I think to myself, heck this is life, we've all been through it, its a learning curve, she'll have to deal with it when it bothers her.

I feel like I have a thousand and one Q's, issues, I have to be less stressed huh?  Being a parent is hard work!!!  LOL :)

[Ally777]

Hi there,

Thank you for your comments.

Unfortunately, I am not sure how exactly the teacher interacts with the pupils, so I couldn't possibly comment.

In the schools defense, they carried out a 'show and tell' experience once a week, giving the children a chance to take in their favorite toy and discuss it.  Maybe this is along the lines of the 'cool toy' idea you mentioned?

I'll simply have to put this particular teacher down to experience,  it just puts your guard up for future relations with other teachers.

I am simply bewildered that, if a trades man is invited into my home to carry out a job the company in question will promptly send out a questionnaire asking 'how did we do?'  When you have left your children in the care of a stranger for 6 hours a day the least they can do is ask us what we think of the teachers!

You sound like a lovely lady with a great understanding on both parts, I'm sure you will be very successful :)

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Excellent. That's a very good resource.

[Ally777]

No, I try to keep an open mind, I can see that at a young age there can be social problems on both sides.  We have spent a lot of time talking through situations, doing role play with toys, practicing at the park with new friends, I'm currently reading a self help from the library as well to make sure we say the right things to her too.

The area we live in is strongly drug influenced, they let their 7 year olds roam around until after 10.30 at night alone in the summer holidays.  I keep a very close eye on my kids and don't even let them to the local park for fear of them bringing home a syringe.

Good news is, took her to her first Rainbows class tonight, she loved it, made three or four new friends and desperate to go back next week :))))

Sooooo relieved.

[Ally777]

To clarify,

This was added to a similar story to mine, however, there are some points that I haven't mentioned before :)

[Ally777]

We live around no other kids, there are a couple of kids a year older than my daughter two streets away, their parents are herion addicts, they have called for my daughter twice, the first time was to take her out of the garden to batter her aged 4.  Do I bite the bullet and let her play with these girl>??

The other mums at my daughters school are hard faced and have stirred trouble towards me which had a knock on effect to my daughter.

She has spent break times and lunch times alone this last fortnight, after her best friend moved school during the summer holidays.  She became close to a girl months after starting school last year, months being, she spent the initial 3/4 months of school alone too.  I am more annoyed with her mum, not letting us know she was moving schools, we got their telephone number and they got ours, but they never picked up and they never phoned.

My heart is breaking, my daughter too is very bright, polite and the youngest in her class, she was being excluded from group games and told that the games were for older kids and not her.  Now, she's not interested in making friends and prefers her own company.

I have in the past invited other kids over, spent money taking them out, but this is never reciprocated, further invites fall on deaf ears.  I am being adviced within this forum to speak to a child physiologist,  is this what a 5 year old child needs to further finger point at them for being a social outcast through no fault of their own, I don't know...

[Ally777]

Ah, right, thank you this is a lot more helpful.

[Ally777]

It doesn't appear to upset her, we speak in the morning at breakfast about certain ways she could invite kids at breaktime to hang out, she does tell us she builds bricks etc in the classroom, but they don't seem to meet up in the playground.

I managed to get her into rainbows one night a week for an hour, finally.  So we are slowly getting there with the social clubs, they are simply few and far between,

She had two older girls around for 10 min the other night, she seems to speak to kids like she’s an adult, not necessarily bossy but with an air of superiority, I speak to her older than she is and always have done, I was shocked when I heard her, we spoke about it and she told me she was playing teachers and kids.  But give her her dues she was a laughing cool cat in between "play acting"

I have been desperately trying to get kids to come round after school but I seem to be the only one making an effort and at my expense, I explain she can be a bit strong minded to keep an eye on her.  When ask if she was fine they seem to say she was great, which would suggest she's being particularly careful around adults.  

To answer the teachers Q’s, my daughters last year teacher, she did explain they read a story on bullying and took time to do a play about interacting with each other.  This has never been followed up after the afternoon in question.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The response of the teacher above is very helpful. In addition, it might be useful for your daughter to participate in a social skills group to enhance her own social problem-solving skills. It's not as if she is the simple victim of other children's behavior. Something in her own social interaction behavior needs to be addressed as well.

[tobbeyj]

As a teacher, not yet a parent this is heartbreaking. I would NEVER let any other students in my class treat a child in such a way. In my classroom - we celebrate inclusion. We are friends with one another and although we understand that we have differences and may not choose to play with some children out of the classroom/school yard, we include them in play while on school property. Have you discussed this with your daughter? Does she know why the kids are not wanting to play with her? Are there speech issues - or is she disinterested in what other kids her age are interested in? If I were her teacher, I would have her sit with a kind little girl in my classroom and reinforce positive inclusive play with verbal priaise and excitement. This is also an opportunity that I would conduct some inclusive games in the classroom/gym to encourage group play. I would make an apt. to meet with the teacher and the principal together and ensure that your daughter starts the school year off on the right track. I am sorry you and your daughter are going through this. It breaks my heart to hear your story and I hope it is resolved immediately.