Two year old temper tantrums

My daughter is 2.5 years old, and she has these tantrums that seem more like she gets in to a complete rage. Little things set her off like not sitting in my lap, or not getting something she wants, and i understand that as being a two year old and alot of the time i am not even sure what sets her off, she is also the middle child. If she gets woken up from a nap that sets her off as well, another example is we were going to the pool which she wanted to do than as we went to leave she got mad and went for lack of a better word crazy. when she gets like this she will scream at the top of her lungs for usually about 45 minutes to an hour. We have tried spanking her, talking to her and even ignoring her. We live in a two bedroom apartment, so we have started putting her on the porch where we can ignore her, and at the same time she can't hurt her self when she gets like this. She has a wooden toddler chair out there to sit in, but this weekend she picked it up by the back and swung it around in to the glass door. I feel like i am at my wits end with no end insight. When she is not like this she is a great child sweet, helpful, funny and full of life. It's like night and day. Please help.

[specialmom]

They do test our patience, don't they.  Your daughter is still pretty young.  Somewhere along the line, she's found that by acting so crazy, she might get what she wants.  Do your best not to give in.  I'd try to think about things and predict might be difficult for her (such as she always wants something at the grocery store or doesn't want to sit in the cart anymore, etc.) and plan ahead.  Avoiding known stessors when possible is always smart.  Then I would pick your battles.  Two year olds sometimes don't make sense.  Have your list of rules, stay firm and consistent with them.  Then I think letting her be when she is upset is okay.  Don't get upset back at her, stay very very calm.  Model how you want her to act.  Then, when things are going okay----  act something out in front of her.  "oh mommy is so upset, I can't find my car keys, hm.  think think think--- where did I put them.  Uh , I am upset (in a calm voice)."  then calmly find them.  sounds stupid, I"m sure,  but my kids have really responded to this.  Giving them other reactions to being frustrated helps them know they can choose how they act.  We also have a phrase at our house that helps---"you get what you get and you don't throw a fit".  My kids preschool has that motto (as in, I wanted a green popscicle and I got an orange one . . .)  
2 year olds have limited communication so can get frustrated easily.  One last idea--- give her a choice of two things.  As far as getting upset when woken up from a nap---  I'd say I probably would too.  Good luck.

[Claros25]

I thought of myself as being fairly patient... untill I had my son!! Hes geat 99% of th time and pople alays comment on his good behaviour, however!.... when hes got one on him hes an absolute nightmare, wve got 4 kittens at the minute and all he absolutely monsterous to them, ive tried everything to get him to be kind, e.g. " the kitten are so happy when you are nice to them" "if you are mean to them again you will go without..." ( and i stick to it ) even used the naughty step.. he always thinks about hat hes done and he says sorry to them and that he  wont hurt them again and within an hour hes chucking them around the living room!! im trying my very best to stay calm and consistant but am running out of ideas!!!! help!!!!

[Claros25]

.... pardon all the missed letters, dodgy keyboard!!

[specialmom]

Hi,  kids of this age are not known for their impulse control.  We use a phrase that helps with my boys----  we say that we have stop buttons and go buttons.  The go button works really well but the stop button needs a little help.  So we talk about pushing the stop button.  

I would consider not having kittens now.  I was going to get a dog and had many breeders talk about animals and small  kids (especially baby animals) as not a good idea.  Several breeders won't sell dogs to families with toddlers for the very reason you describe.  We are waiting to get a pet now.  Kids think they are playing and have a hard time distinguishing what is too rough.  I would never leave  him unattended with the kittens.  If you have to keep the kittens, I think I'd  have a rule that he can't touch or play with them.  This probably sounds impossible but middle ground is confusing to your son. I am a big believer of avoiding a known problem---- and this would be an example.  As kids DO need to learn boundaries, this one is just going to be a headache for you.  Some things we can't control, kittens we can.   Just my opinion, of course.
Good luck and stay with it.  They do eventually get the message.  The calmer you are the better they learn to deal with anger and frustration themselves.

[Claros25]

thankyou for the reply!!!.. their our cats kittens, it was an unplanned pregnancy!! when we brought her the owner told us shed been spayed.. turns out she hadnt! weve sold to so far so theyll be gone in a couple of weeks thank goodness! think the advice about keeping him completely away from them is best, therefor avoiding the situation completely!!.. thanks again x