Unhealthy father/daughter relationship

I am the stepmother to a 13 year old girl. When I first met her, when she was 11, I noticed it was odd that she was so clingy with her father. She would sit on his lap and even demanded to be carried on his shoulders. It looked so strange to me and I mentioned it to my husband. He was very defensive at first but slowly worked on not allowing her on his lap anymore. She is going through puberty now and very interested in sex. She is still clingy with her father. When I am trying to speak with him, she will come in between us, back up against her father, take his arm and drape it across her chest...she also gives me a very strange look while doing this. If I hug him, she will move in under his arm and hug him also. She still tries to sit on his lap and be carried by her father. He sees her as his little girl and gets mad at me if I mention this behavior bothers me. Other people have noticed this as well and have made comments. I am so embarrassed by it but also concerned that this is a very unhealthy situation. I get very anxious on the weekends she comes to visit and my husband and I always end up fighting because of this. I need advice on how to handle this. He tries to tell me that I am the only one with the problem but I know better.

[ku111]

She sounds like she is desperately seeking his attention.  Does she get any alone time, one on one,  with her father when she visits?  I wonder if this separation and new family mix has taken an emotional toll on her.

[alyssa1220]

She is seeking his attention but it is crossing the line. She does get alone time with him but I have walked in and found her sitting on his lap asking for an expensive gift. She is very manipulative and will give me an almost evil smirk when she is doing these things. She acts more like his girlfriend than his daughter and I do not know what to do about this. It has caused some serious fights between my husband and I.

[specialmom]

Well, I'm going to flip this.  She's a little girl, HE is an adult, your husband.  HE should be the one setting boundaries and if he is unwilling, then this is a marital issue rather than a little girl seeking too much attention.  
If you think she is acting sexual with him, that would most likely he or someone else sexually abused her.  Do you think that is the case?  If so, then you must protect this little girl as a victem.  

I would consider that if your husband will not work with you on this and you two can't reach a compromise that this marriage will not survive.  That is why 75% of second marriages in which kids are in the picture fail.  

Your best bet is to try to find a way to be heard with her dad that won't result in his becoming defensive, set up realistic boundaries that both you and he can live with and HE can enforce.  Good luck

[margypops]

Sounds like plain old jealousy , also some families are affectionate , no one is going to be happy unless you ignore the behavior I doubt if its sexual, but making an issue of it may not work ,she is his daughter. Sounds like competition going on for his attention ..

[alyssa1220]

I think it is very ignorant to assume that it is "plain old jealousy". There is a problem here. I am close to his daughter and know the issues she has. I am trying to figure out how to handle this situation in a healthy way.

[alyssa1220]

I am not sure if she has been sexually abused. Her mother has custody during the week and every other weekend. My step-daughter has confided in me and told me she and her friends are competing to see who loses their virginity first- very disturbing! Her home life with her mom is also not great. I am worried about her but also worried that her father is not taking these things seriously. He dismisses my worries with, 'She's just a little girl". They seem to have a friendship rather than a father-daughter relationship.

[specialmom]

A lot of parents make that mistake and try to be friends with their kids.  Ugh.  Try to think of how you can approach the subject without him thinking you are knocking him and her.  Your above post that you wrote to me shows caring and concern------  what if you said that  you are really worried about her?  If you worked from the standpoint that you want her to be okay.  How could he argue with that?  And then setting boundaries would be part of helping her be okay.  do you think that would work?

[margypops]

Sorry for the plain old' jealousy but thats what it sounds like to me .it happens when a Dad finds someone else ..fairly normal behavior ..

[alyssa1220]

I tried to talk to her father since we had his kids this past weekend. I told him I was concerned with her behavior and worried about her. He became defensive( even though I was completely gentle and respectful) and said, "Why are you trying to bash my daughter?". I am starting to give up. I have no idea what tto do. Her aunts have told me that she has always had a lot of control over her father and acted this way even when he was single. I am at a loss.

[adgal]

Is she aware that it is upsetting to you?  The reason I ask is your comments about the looks/smirks she gives you.  I wonder if she is intentionally trying to drive a wedge between the two of you.  It happens sometimes when there is a step parent involved.  The kids are great with them being their parents friend, but can and do often do things to upset or anger the new step parent.  If she is aware it is causing issues between you and her father, it may be her way of proving to herself (inappropriately) that she comes first in her fathers life.  

The other thing that comes to mind is in keeping with Specialmoms comments about possible sexual abuse.  She may not have been a victim, but may have seen something or heard about something involving parental sexual abuse.  Sometimes girls her age confuse sexual behavior with love, and she may think she is expressing love this way. I hope that made sense.  It's not that she is sexually attracted to her father, but thinks that the way she is behaving is how you are when you love someone.  His denial and reactions could also be a part of guilt that he is not with her everyday.  That is very common as well, and I can only imagine it would be a frustrating thing to deal with.

I can understand your frustration, and would agree that what you describe goes beyond what would be considered normal.  I wonder if your husband would be open to seeing a relationship counselor with you?  Sometimes it takes a third party to help parents see that intervention may be necessary. If she is being victimized by someone, this behavior could be a signal, and she needs protecting.  So his being in denial about it is not in her best interests.  Do you think he might listen to it put that way?

I wish you all the best.

[alyssa1220]

Thank you so much for your thoughts and suggestions! I do believe she knows it is upsetting me, however, she is also pretty attached to me. She confides in me and tells everyone how much she loves me. I do feel she does things purposely to upset me though. She will bring up his ex girlfriend or her mother often, and if her father is hugging me she will move in and that is when I see the mean little smirk. I am not sure about sexual abuse but I do know she and her female friends are almost in a race when it comes to sex. She has also told me she needs to shave the backs of her legs because that is the area that "rubs against the guys when you sit on their laps" - that was very alarming. I am also disturbed by her father's reactions. He gets angry with me and accuses me of "bashing" his daughter. I am very concerned about her and also concerned about what this is doing to our relationship. The weekends she is here are so stressful for everyone and she seems to enjoy causing tension.

[specialmom]

Ya know, I do detect that you really care for this girl and want to help her (cheers to you for that!).  Could you approach her yourself in a way that might make you her ally rather than a target of her 'games'?  By this I mean, doing something special with her like taking her to get a pedicure at a nice place and then out to lunch just you two and talking to her 'woman to woman'.  Talk to her about how using our body to get attention is often a trap for some girls and that there are better ways to get boys attention.  I would focus less on what she does at home (as I'm gathering you don't feel she is sexual with dad, right??  )  and more on the general message of appropriate lady like behavior, meaningful relationships with people/boys that don't include giving away your sexuality which is sacred.  All of that may sound corny and old fashioned but someone needs to give her this message.  She's not valuing herself very much and seems mixed up in how she sees women in general (let alone girls her age!!).

and yes, I agree about your husband.  He is not being a good partner or frankly a good parent at this point regarding her.  If you genuinely care about her well being-----  hopefully he could sense that and want to help her.  You should be able to talk to him about this.  I again, would approach him not about what she does at home but about her general view on boys.  He may respond to that ------  .  You could tell him about the shaving the legs comment and that you just don't want her playing with fire and getting sexual too soon with boys.  That she needs someone to talk to her about not giving herself away.

And regarding the desire on her part to push your buttons----------  turn the control panel OFF.  Don't react at all.  Pushing buttons is the work of the immature.  It is easy to fall into the trap of responding to it but much better to completely ignore it.  Then the 'gain' they get out of it is gone.  You are more peaceful and she may give up the effort to get under your skin.  So show no reaction and write all of that off to her immaturity.  Get a rubber band on your wrist and quietly snap it as she bugs you.  

Do you have communication issues with your partner about other things by the way?

[alyssa1220]

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me some advice. It is so appreciated and needed because I have been feeling very alone in all this. I have talked one on one with my stepdaughter and she seemed to respond well but then I see her postings on Facebook and realize she is kind of leading a double life. I talked to her father about her comments about boys and my concerns and he said, "The kids are going to be experimenting with sex at this age. It's normal and there is nothing we can do about it." Of course, I was very angry with his reaction and it triggered another fight. maybe I am a little old fashioned but I was so different when I was in highschool. I waited and I am so glad I did. I discussed this with my stepdaughter and also told her about a few of my friends who had sex at an early age and both of them left school because of the consequences(one contracted an std and the other had rumors spread about her). It was a nightmare for them. I have also noticed she is obsessed with babies. She watches the 16 and Pregnant show at her mom's and has told me that I will be a grandmother sooner than later. Her father is not stepping up and her mother is just an older version of her(much worse) and I feel like I am the only one who cares about this poor girl's well being. I even thought about calling her school counselor but not sure that would do any good. Her father and I can usually discuss other things but he would rather avoid the issues rather than address them.

[ShelbyBuck]

Wow, I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, lived together for 6 and just celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary. My step daunted is now 20. When I moved in I really got an eye opener. She used the master bath while all of her siblings, 2 boys, and my 2 children, one of each, used the hall bath. She was allowed to enter the master bedroom without knocking, she had carte Blanche in our room. She was sewn to his hip 24/7. According to his family she's always been that way. He has full custody of all 3 of his kids. 1 of the boys is biologically his the other and his daughter are his adopted step children from his prior wife. Hubby openly admitted that he allowed the daughter to boss her older brothers, make financial decision, dictated what he could and could not do. She was 14 when I moved in and still would lay in bed and watch movies all night with him, he slept in underwear. I told him more then once that she was his wife not his daughter. It took some time to put her in her place but it finally came to pass. We still have some problems but nothing like they use to be. There was a time when I wondered if their was sexual abuse going on. My step daughter, at 20, still insists on kisses on the lips from him before either leaves the house or unpon arrival home. She still calls him daddy, my daughter is 18 and hasn't called her father daddy since she was like 10. That little girl voice that calls him daddy, is on the pill and has a 22 year old boy friend that she's been with for 2 years. I've developed a good relationship with her, as her mother hasn't been in the picture in over 10 years. I still don't trust her as far as I can throw her though. Thank god I trust my husband now when it comes to her. Try counseling, it worked for hubby and I. Good luck.

[momof4_3g1b]

I believe it sounds like a bit of competition. She loves her daddy n u r replacing her. She only sees him 2 weekends a month and u have him everyday all year round. Maybe if u were to take a step back and understand that what she is trying to do with boys her age, does not compare to a girl missing her daddy. And she's on her daddy's lap an expensive for an expensive gift, we sit on santas lap, its her dad, children ask their parents for things....... this is completely normal. Maybe if u try not to be so clingy n loving to him while she is there she might stop forcing herself on him begging for his attention. She sees u as a threat.

[margypops]

you got it momof4  thats how I see it and there is always competition amongst daughters and stepmoms I have seen endless similar posts

[beyondhurt1961]

Are you sure you trust him?  I have been in a very similar situation and he still insists on folding her thongs.  Is this normal?

[specialmom]

Why exactly would you choose to be with a man who fondles his daughter's thongs?  Love is a choice and if you feel he is inappropriate with his daughter, move on.  And if you feel that he is doing something crude to her or with her, call the authorities and then leave.  Report him and find a man that you don't worry is doing something he shouldn't be with his own child.  Yuck.  Who needs a man like that??  

good luck.  Remember, love is a choice and we should choose the RIGHT partner for us.

[littleolme1984]

I know this is an old thread.. all i got to say is welcome to my world only my bf has 2 little girls 13 and 6 that do exactly what ur hubbies young daughter does...Im guessing nowadays men raise their little girls like this so they know how a man is to treat them as ladies..prepping them for pre-relationship... likes a childs touch over a womans? its creepy to me. ..maybe one day these pre-prepped girls will get with total pervs and since thats the way they were raised..touchy feely father/daughter relationship maybe the perv bf does it and leads to more with their step children.maybe dads like that will see its gross always having to grab on each other and theyll touch their old ladies like that instead.i guess that was sooo middle school... i was not raised to be that way i will not raise my child that way... my opinion.. wait can u imagine when girls raised like that r teens... wow their gonna remember what daddy liked and taught them...now..just my opinion...

[littleolme1984]

I guess my other post didnt go through...hmmm.HEY DADS GET A REAL WOMAN..LIKE UR OL LADY... KIDS NEED ATTENTION NOT TO BE GROPED! SHEESH I LIVE EVERYDAY LIKE THIS MY 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS EVEN CREEPED OUT BY IT. Dad and his 6 and 13 year old daughters hold hands, hug on each other alot, grab at each other 13 year step daughter sits on her dads lap,sits in chairs legs wide eagle infront of dad,13 yr old tries to bathe with door open, walks around in a robe in the nude, when talking have to grab on dad or dad grabs on them, say i love u a billion times even when hes taking a crap 6 yr old stands at bathroom door peeks through crack at dad ive caught her and got on to her dad doesnt believe me,weird curiousity? 6 yr old now starting to pose provocatively on our bed like bottom in air rollin it shaking it...huh! Dad still head to toe dresses 6 yr old, 13 yr old bends over infront of dad, shows how sort of flexable she is by doing odd stretches infront of him, omg wore these short shorts slit up the thighs dad said they were cool as long as she wears a long shirt...trashy! Lets see oh alone time ha! Not even in shower they pound on door or yell daaad! 13 yr old acts to dependent cant even open a bubblegum wrapper without dads help???,oh yeah tv time i mind u been on dad like white on rice all day we sit down after a long day..his kids are fighting who sits by dad (typical) 6 yr old crawls all over him both snuggles up to him everytime we watch tv,when he asks for them to lay down or go play which is rare they r back and fourth he seems unbothered, they live with us theres more but to much more to post.. i wouldnt believe he would ever go to far with his kids but his 13 yr old is for sure in puberty i see it big tme dad doesnt.. my opinion shes looking at him as dad/bf.. any opionions on this?? Ami over reacting because i was not raised in this way? I hugged my parents they hugged me kisses on cheeks but usually before bed or going somewhere,not together... I tried talking to him to but their his cubs and do nothing wrong sooo i guess welcome to my world... old.post i know if ur still out there and check this thread.. hows it going? 2 yrs in this and NOT changing just getting weirder..ahh

[specialmom]

You sound like you've never had your own children.  My suggestion is to find a boyfriend that doesn't have young kids.  I think you'll be a lot happier.  good luck

[railroaded]

When I was 8 years old, my uncle tried to get into bed with me and french kiss me, I knew it was So weird, even at that age that I jumped out of bed. The creepy thing was that his little daughter, who was about 3, demonstrated the same type of behavior, ALWAYS when she was with him, and he had sole custody. She would sit on his lap, and act like a girlfriend, and this started from the time I first saw them together, and she was about 3! She acted like a jealous girlfriend, and me and my older sisters, who later revealed my uncle had tried to do things with THEM at about 8 or so, used to talk about it when we were teenagers. She acted like that, my younger cousin, and one night, when I was about 13 years old, he came into my bedroom, pulled his underwear down, (it was about 6 in the morning, and tried to have intercourse! I KNEW exactly by that age what he was doing, and ran out of there, and told my mom, who I hadn't lived with since I was 8 years old. SHE called social services because I knew he was molesting his daughter, they slept in the same bed, and he was a single parent, and HER strange "girlfriend' behavior continued. They investigated and she denied the mo;estation, which I expected, (she acted like his WIFE by the age of 8 or 9! I told my aunt, who  has chosed to erase it from her memory, and THEN it comes out that both my sisters were inappropriatelt touched at about 7 or 8! My cousin became a female escort when she was about 15, and still hasn't admitted any molesting, but everything she became pointas to it, and she is now 50! I confronted my uncle, who wouldn't even look at me when I was 18, (I hadn't seen him since the night he got into my bed naked at 13) It isn't normal to act like your father is your boyfriend or husband. I was raised by my single father along with my 2 sisters. Never had I seen behavior like my uncle and my cousin exibited again. I have raised 3 children, and now I am raising my grandson, who is 9, since he was 1 1/2. The behavior you are seeing isn't normal or healthy, and as the adult, it SHOULD be up to him to end it, UNLESS there is more going on, then he won't say or act like it is weird...it IS! I would be very concerned and creeped out with HIM!

[railroaded]

I DON'T think finding a man who doesn't have little children is the answer, or the problem! The PROBLEm is the behavior that the man is continuing to let happen, and I don't think a regular guy, just because he has "little kids" would be a problem, EXCEPT in "unusual circumstances". This man is doing more than just letting his daughter sit on his lap etc. My uncle would come over to my house every day after I got out of school and play "Aggravation" with me..when my father was at work, and there were many things when I remember them. I was his "favorite", and I think he is a monster! We are talking about adults who DO know better, instead of suggesting to stay away from fathers with little kids, why not focus on the father, (or mothers!), who are obviously acting inappropiately with there little kids! It is SO unusual, and when it IS going on, it should be reported, and then run screaming from the offending adult!

[specialmom]

I'm the mom of young boys.  They often climb on my lap, give me kisses, change their clothes in front of me.  As their mother, it is just part of the mom job and not something odd.  When you've not been in that situation, sometimes it is hard to see that interaction that is affectionate is actually often within normal.  That was my point.

I certainly do not think that anyone should stand by a man who molests his children.  But sitting on laps, holding hands and giving a kiss are not molesting in my opinion.  I guess I'd have to see it all in action to get the full scope.

But I do agree that if one has an inner voice that something sexual is going on----  they must report to CPS and indeed, run for the hills.  

Just my thoughts on the subject.  Sorry for the situation you had as a child.  

[railroaded]

I raised 2 girls and a son, and I let them climb on my lap too, but my husband never acted like my daughters, one who wasn't his, was his girlfriend. the behavior that the girlfriend/stepmom is talking about is clearly and obviously sexual in nature! She wouldn't be upset if they were just sittin there normally! I am now raising my grandson. Believe me, I KNOW what she is talking about, and what she is seeing! It is NOT what you, (or I) experienced with our children! Unless you SEE this behavior FIRSTHAND, you can NOT imagine how creepy it is, and looks like. This woman is not just projecting, nor is she seeing "jealousy!" I didn't see my dad except for visits UNTIL I was 8, and he never, and we never exhibited ANYTHING like what is being described. I had stepfathers, and I also have been married 3 times, and IF I ever saw something even resembling what she is talking about, I would KNOW something was wrong! If any of my kids had acted like that with their stepfathers, I would call the authorities so fast it would make your head spin. It is not normal..no way, no HOW! Something is going on...and i would expect it is her  husband...sorry, I just think so!

[specialmom]

Well, unless you know her personally, I don't know that either of us can assume one way or the other.  

Some women really do get jealous of the kids in their man's lives.  It DOES happen.  And there are a ton of posts about new girlfriends/wives who complain of closeness between father and daughter.  

I don't know what is going on here.  No one really does.  I am pro kids and advocate for them to be safe always.  If this woman feels the man is sexual with his kids--------  she should report him to the authorities immediately.  

I would say that if she feels this 'man' of hers is sexual with his kids ... I would also have to ask why she is with him.  Is this post about protecting the kids then?  (as it should be if he is molesting them)  then the advice is to call the authorities.  

But lots of families have varying levels of affection between parents and kids.  You have to take yourself out of the equation and think about what you are accusing someone of.  And if you go the direction of really feeling someone is molesting their child, you must protect the child.  Always.

[railroaded]

You Do have an inner voice that tells you when something is "creepy", and I HAVE been there, I DID have children, and I now have a grandson, and his son-in law was molested by his mother! Now, this came out in therapy while I was seeking legal guardianship. My grandsons dad, was SO afraid he would molest his son, my grandson, that he went to a psychiatrist! I never saw him acting inappropriately, but what I saw in my cousin and uncle....it was a gut-wrenching, all-abiding knowledge, even as a young teenager. The fact that all three of us, my sisters, thought the very same thing....and everyone who was around the 2 of them..it is NOT affection, it is the farthest thing from affection, it is abuse! And it seems she comes right out and almost SAYS it...but she doesn't want to believe it! She did mention that he had been a single parent, before they got together...I would bet that was when it started, before she was even IN the picture. You don't get so jealous over your father's love UNLESS he is paying so little attention to you, NOT when you are able to climb all over him! I think it is getting to be a very unhealthy and dangerous situation. What I saw at 8, and experienced at 8, by this same uncle who had his daughter caressing him, sitting on his lap, sleeping with him when she was 3 and up, went on to try to rape me at 13! I knew it was creepy with me and his daughter, and it proved to be right! He later married and had 8 more little girls! And I know what they went through! P.S. He married my aunt at 13, she gave birth at 14 years old! He is a *********! The fact that my crazy grandmother pawned her own daughter off to someone just getting out of the army is also sick! She won't talk about it, I mean her daughter,my aunt, BECAUSE she let him have custody...and I don't think she can forgive herself! She DOES talk about the fact he wanted to marry her when she was only a 13 year old girl, when he was 24! My grandmother ought to have been charged with a crime, instead of just giving a letter so she could be rid of her! She is dead now, and wasn't a good mother, or grandmother. Our jobs as mothers, and as HUMANS, is to protect the children, they can't protect themselves. I REALLY think you can tell the difference between LOVE and "PEDOPHILIA", and THAT is what it seems like!

[railroaded]

You're right, I am NOT in her position, I guess I have just seen so much child abuse in my own family, and just to thinking about someone touching my kids or grandson...well, I just have to be diligent, and I am. Thanks for the objective view, it IS hard when you have been molested!

[specialmom]

I'm sure and am sorry that happened to you.  peace

[soho9]

I went through this exact same thing with my ex, he wouldn't let me meet his daughter until a year after we dated. I met his son though.
I kept asking all the time, and there was always some ******** why I couldn't meet her. Then I finally did. I tried to get to know her, af first it was okay. Then  the ******** began, clingy, pawing, possessive sexual behavior. We got married, and it just got worse. I went to counseling, talked to him, etc.. ,nothing worked!
Talked to numerous others in this situation.
Bottom line, if the daughter isn't goint to act NORMAL, and the father isn't going to act NORMAL, and tells you that you are the problem,
get rid of them out of your life!

Don't let anyone tell you, it's you!
That's just BS.
Your not the one who is possessive, abusive, weird. They are!
You will be happier and healther and another better man will come along!
Trust me!.

[Dadswife]

I have two teen-aged step daughters and each of them are completely different with their dad.  The one is more "normal" and the other is just like this girl.  I have been through a lot of the same things and I think it's crazy to hear you tell her to back off like she is the problem.  At 13, 14, 15,(even girls younger than that now days) some girls act like daddy's little girl using their seductive side to get their way, money, clothes, attention, and to push dad's gf or wife away.  When she is away from daddy, she is having sex, drinking, doing drugs, dressing like a street-walker, earning a horrible reputation.  It made me sick, and angered me. I too, asked a few people if they thought it was appropriate behavior to make sure I wasn't over-reacting.  Majority says it's not.  I shared my feelings on this with my husband, at first he was angry and said that's his little girl, he will always welcome any affection from her or his other daughter, that it wasn't sexual.  I still felt uncomfortable about it.  This happened a couple more times, I made small comments, then another time and I snapped and told him I hated to watch her manipulate him and in the long run he wasn't doing her any good, that the real world don't work like that, she needed to learn how to act like a lady not a hooch.  That as long as he 'fathered' her like that she would continue to disrespect me and no matter how much I loved him, I would not live the rest of my life feeling that way; like I was the problem. He started to see the manipulation on her part and no longer tolerates it and she don't sneer at me anymore.  

[marinemom73]

Oh wow, my step daughter now 21 still tries to manipulate her dad. Sits on his lap. Strokes his hair and says in a syrupy sweet way, "Ill always be daddy's little girl and daddy will always buy me whatever I want". yeah.......this is the crap I have had to put up with as her step mom for 10 long..............LONG years. She hated it when we got married and I had four children. She pulled every stunt in the book to drive a wedge between us!! At one point in time I had enough and actually left her dad. We have been together now for 10 years. We made it dispite her efforts! What is this? I would never dream of doing this to my step mother. I know my place!  I finally have had other woman ask me about her behavior. They say, "my, she sure does love to hang all over her dad". Im embarrassed. I asked him if he liked it that she does this? He was appauled and said, "NO". I asked him why he lets her do it? He replied he doesnt want to hurt her feelings.  I told him she does this with all men now to get her way. Uses suggestive sexual behaviors and my guess is because her dad, my husband allowed it to happen since she was a little girl!  I dont even think he knew he did it! He has put a stop to it. We are moving away from her and Im thrilled. 10 years of battling over!

[alyssa1220]

Maybe in your mind the behavior is normal and maybe you need serious help. Her dad is not Santa. I don't really understand your reasoning at all.

[alyssa1220]

That is exactly what she does and I am seeing that she does it with boys now to get her own way. Glad there are some women who understand and don't just ignorantly label this as "jealousy". I am not jealous. I am very concerned.

[marinemom73]

It is definitly not normal and we are not jealous. It really is a symptom of a bigger problem. Yes, his daughter uses her womanly persuasion on other men now. Actually she has learned how to turn her charms on to everyone around her mainly using her warped indea of what "love it". She seems to get away with everything. Honestly, to "sell your body " to get your way really is a self destructive way to go. A part of me wonders if her behavior wasn't corrected at an appropriate age before being allowed to get this far, if her life wouldnt have turned out different. Because of "guilt" on the parents part of getting a divorce, they treated their daughter like a little princess. So, when she started to work over men at the age of 13, getting in trouble with the law, drinking, drugs........well, raising a "princess" is not all its cracked up to be. I dont feel bad at all for knowing that sitting on daddy's lap at 21 and stroking his hair and saying , "Im daddy's little girl and daddy will get me anything I want"........is definitly not normal.

[marinemom73]

You know..........the best thing we can give our kids is the ability to be self reliant and independant. If parents continually enable and "baby", i just dont see how the next generation will become anything but plugged into the governement or milking on thier parents breasts & the working mans back. Some of these kids, daughters have simply turned out to be parasites. A lot of us are still doing it right I know......... The daughter in question above........well, she cant handle anything besides knowing how to get her way. She gets everything she wants and now lives solely on government assistance and has no plans on getting off. All the while she constantly rips off good people. Sells her foodstamps for drugs. Uses gov money to party.............the issue is far beyond slobbering all over daddy........ that seems to be the start of manipulating everyone in their life. Jealous? I dont think so. These men are not giving their daughters a chance in life. I hope that they are prepared to keep "bailing" them out.Do you know how creepy it is when she wraps her arms around her dad and says, "daddy, I look for men who remind me of my daddy". Oh dear Lord.......... worse yet, she has a son...gag a maggot

[alyssa1220]

It's like I am getting a glimpse into my stepdaughter's future. She just turned 14 and for some reason, she brought home her school journal and told me to read it. I quickly realized it was her passive aggressive way of threatening me. Her journal talked about how I took her dad away. She does not like the rules, she has a crush on her uncle and wishes it was legal to marry him. It went on and on like this and it's a school journal! Her teacher actually made notes in it!! I also found out from other children that she used to spy on her dad through a crack in his bedroom wall and watched him have sex on several occasions. She also watched her uncle and his wife have sex by opening the door a crack. We found this out because she tried to get other kids to watch as well and they told on her. I feel like I am in over my head.

[marinemom73]

This all sounds very similar. We found notes in her school folders to her friends on how they are going to meet at the local bowling alley to give oral to other men in the bathrooms. This was before she turned 13. She also wanted to intrude upon my husband (her dads) intimate time. We have 5 kids together and really limited as to when we can get together. She seems to have a creepy sense of timing. It was just two weeks ago she tried to call her dad on a sunday afternoon. She knows when he doesnt answer, to just wait. No, she called my daughter who was in her room watching a movie to come and bang on our bedroom door and take her call. HOW INAPROPRIATE WAS THAT FOR US????  It was NOT an emergency at all. How rude can you get? Her dad again reminded of her boundaries and she got the biggest laugh out of it. You know.......to me, I would have never even thought about interupting my parents time. How creepy is that?Its called respect.
There are many reasons why some kids act this way and I do find it disturbing that we have to give his 21 yr old daughter "out time" bounderies.  Your step daughter sounds as disturbed as my husband daughter. Does she have frequent "melt downs and panic attacks"? When his daughter started to "work over" men at an early age, she was TOO YOUNG to understand the ramifications of what perverted men can do!! I tried to give her boundaries and her mom just let her do as she pleased. Her mom even let her have boys over who were legal adults for supper when she was only 13. So, the sickness was encouraged by her own mother. Makes me sick. I have raised some amazing, well adjusted children. One is a sniper for the marines, my 17 yr old daughter is goign to college for criminal justice, my 14 yr old wants to be a judge or lawyer. We run a tight ship here! For me, it is hard to watch such sick behaviors and be able to do anything about it. Even social services came in and only scolded the mother.  I tried to protect her, I was strictly told to BUTT OUT by his family and made clear she is not my daughter. Clearly, I would not have a daughter who acted that way. Well, you can only do what you can do. The key to all this is your husband has GOT TO BE on your side and have your back in all of this. Keep giving boundaries and be constant and demand the bad behaviors stop. Its your life too. No step mom should have to "put up" with this sickness!

[andy780]

Wow, I can't get my daughter to give me the time of day, let alone hug me. I'm going through the extreme on the other end of the spectrum. :) As a dad, the false affection your step-daughter is showing is a little sick. He needs to tame it back and get that love from you. There is something wrong with it, and he knows it, but he doesn't want to deal with it. His neglected childhood has allowed him to manipulate his daughter into giving him the love his father never gave him.

[alyssa1220]

It is so nice to hear from a father. You hit the nail on the head when you said my husband is compensating for lack of attention from his father. His father was not in the picture when he was growing up and is kind of a miserable drunk. And as far as your daughter not hugging you - I went through that phase with my dad when I was going through puberty. I felt so awkward about my body I did not want any hugs or affection. I outgrew it and your daughter will too :)

[alyssa1220]

Very similar. My stepdaughter's mother has failed miserably with her kids. Her daughter watched her bed hop when she was little and was told to keep secrets for her mom. I have a 12 year old son and he despises his stepsister. They got along in the beginning but when he saw her true colors, he was done. He is very well-rounded, gets good grades, plays sports, and he knows how to be respectful. It's like 2 completely different worlds have clashed and she is trying so hard to maintain control. I had a mild heart attack(I have a heart condition) about 6 months ago and she actually smirked when she found out. It makes me cringe just thinking of it.

[Brooke050870]

Oh my gosh...I have been following your post and just wanted to say that I am sorry that you had a mild heart attack and that I hope you are doing better now.  

[Sb070911]

I also have a 12 year old step daughter who doesn't respect me or her father for the most part.. But she is also very clingy to him and I catch her giving me awful looks If he shows me any kind of attention. We only have her every other weekend and I dread it when the time comes!! I hate to feel that way, but she has made our life so miserable at times and I have done nothing but be the best step mother I can to her, take her to get her hair and nails done, to the mall, skating, coaches her cheerleading. You name it!! She sits on my husband lap or as close a possible, doodles on paper me + dad = love and my daddy is handsome, just am weird stuff, or she will crop my pictures off Instagram and cut me out and say my daddy is my hero, even when we fight I still love him bc it only makes us stronger! She is crazy over boys and talks about how her friend have given **'s and then will tell me, don't ask me how I know that!! Like really!?? Her mother is such a horrible influence to even call a mother, she dated my husbands step brother before they were divorced and was engaged to 3 different men with in 2 years, and married her collage professor who's aunt is sisters to my aunt!! My husband and I have a son together who will be one soon, and my step daughter doesn't care for him to much, and I don't trust her with him! I have two daughters 8 and 4 and they have never acted the way my step daughter does! Even when we take them all skating she will say she is "tired" or "thirsty" and find a reason to sit with her dad who is sitting with our son while I skate with the girls!! Any advice?? I just don't know what to do any more!!!

[Sb070911]

Also, when I talk to my husband about her behavior he does get a little mad or defensive and or will shut down or change the subject, he has said before that he feels bad bc we don't have her very often! I personally don't think that is the right way to parent that situation by ignoring it!! She has told him that she hates him many times and all he says back is" I'm sorry to feel that way but I love you"... So ill say if my kids ever said that to me I can promise they would rethink ever doing it again.. And they do not ever disrespect him, but I feel like he doesn't clearly see things my way, she does things when he is not around too, like when I was pregnant she tries kicking me in the stomach! And she has a cell phone with a lock code and he allows her to keep it on there, and if he does try talking to her about something she doesn't like then she won't even look at him or will shrug her shoulders!! Very rude!!  And he still lets her get away with it bc he feels guilty I guess!! But I don't want to hate her, I do love her, but she makes it extremely hard and I'm losing all my patience with her!! It's to the point that it drives me nuts to hear her name or to know that she is texting my husband bc usually it's always drama!! Help!!

[concern13]

I have the same problem with my 12 yr step daughter and will leave her bloody panties on the floor for her dad to pick up. She wants to hug him every 10 minutes.everything you listed above she is doing the lap rubbingand ect. And becomes disturbing when my husband and I go to have sex and we having disagreement while naked and calls me his daughter. Thats were I draw line how can you be
naked with ur wife and call me the daughter.  And shes done a lot more just to much to post.

[alyssa1220]

Our lives are so similar! Same behavior from the stepdaughters. Just yesterday, my stepdaughter was saying something and I said, "What?" (simply because I couldn't hear) and she rolled her eyes and said," I was talking to my dad- not you". I told her to get her stuff because she was going back to her mom's. I have been standing up for myself a lot more because I reached a breaking point. My husband did not marry a doormat and I will not be mistreated by his 14 year old daughter. She has some serious issues and I have tried so hard with her but enough is enough. Feel free to send me a private message if you'd like. You are going through the same things as me.

[alyssa1220]

Yea- that's disturbing. I would flip out if I was called by my stepdaughter's name while naked with my husband. I truly believe it's because the healthy line between father and daughter gets crossed and then when she hits puberty,  it can get out of hand. My husband is realizing this now that his daughter had a boyfriend and was all over the boy(sitting on his lap, kissing, obsessing,etc) and the boy's mother ended all of that. She was too much and she always got away with that behavior with her dad. There needs to be boundaries.

[Sb070911]

We will have her this weekend so wish me luck! I just hope wish and pray every day that this weekend will be THE weekend she "grows" out of that behavior!!! But ends up I just keep hoping and praying lol.. At this point they are set in their ways and I doubt counseling would even help!!

[sunsetred12]

  I've read all Your comments. I've been with my boy friend who has custody.of his 14 year old daughter sence she was 2 , for 6 years .Her mom in and out.of jail .  This situation is even worse than anything I've heard yet .  Family and friends think that there.has been sexual conduct . I have told him that's what it looks like .. she has seen a counseler sence age 11 . Her Dad lies for her . She has already been pregnant and miscarried .  And telling him now that she is pregnant again .  She fights, in gangs . She is danderous,  I can't tell you the abuse I have suffered because of  Her father . And it is all his fault .   I don't.know how it will play out . But . It doesn't get better . Only worse

[alyssa1220]

I am so sorry to hear this. I used to work at a juvenile detention center and unfortunately saw this a lot. Can I ask why you're still with him? Not trying to be too judgemental but you said it's all his fault. His daughter needs someone to advocate for her. She is only a child and it sounds like there has been a lot of sexual abuse. What can be done for her?

[bannana77]

omg I can't believe someone is living the same nightmare as me.  I have this situation I told my boyfriend about it and he said I was jealous and hated is daughter.  His daughter is 13 also but she has gone one step further she comes out the bathroom with just a towel round her and calls to her dad to have a chat with her in the bedroom.  I told him that this wasn't normal behaviour and he should teach her to respect her body in front of people.  she calls him up to her bedroom to have private chats which is usually slagging me off.  They lived in my house she had her own bedroom I found myself going the extra mile to try and please her but it always ends in a row as she does the same if we are talking she stands in between us if i give him a kiss and cuddle she stands next to us saying "love you daddy" then she will walk past him and smack his bum.  She thinks she is the wife, mother and daughter.  She would stop and nothing to split us up as she wants her dad to herself.  she got her way she told her dad she hated staying at my house hated me and would rather stay with her mum than stay with us, so he packed up and left me and said i had made him a **** dad and he has to leave me because he needs to be a dad.

[bannana77]

so now her dad is renting a double bedroom and he has he 2 girls (9 & 13) stay on a blow up bed in the same room no privacy.  I lost the battle and lost a man that i loved dearly.  Any advice he said I had it all and lost it.  Do you think that is the case that if I had allowed her to rule the roost and not sya anything do you think it would have worked.  Its so sad

[alyssa1220]

Sounds like he is the one who lost it all. Sorry you went through this. I totally  understand. Do you know her mother? Is it possible to have a conversation with her?

[Sb070911]

Mother's Day wasn't the greatest with my step daughter, she didn't say happy Mother's Day or make me a card or anything!! My two girls did of course and she had the opportunity to and didn't. I told her father about it and he let her have it!! The first time I've actually seen tears come from her eyes in this type of situation! I am so glad he finally stepped up and could see how it made me feel!!! It's hard to love a child that doesn't love you back!!  But happy Mother's Day to all you ladies and I hope you had a good one!

[Exhaustedmom2013]

Thank you for starting this post.  I no longer feel that I am losing my mind.  I have had these same conversations with friends and family.  Their responses have always been "That is strange behavior,"  This is not normal behavior," "Gross, they have a strange father/daughter relationship."  However, there is nothing more comforting than hearing others who have experienced the same thing.  Today is Tuesday and we will have my step-daughter Wednesday and again Friday through Sunday, which is the normal custody schedule.  I am sick already thinking about it and wishing I was on the schedule to work.  I'm sick to my stomach and stressed all of the time.  It just doesn't feel right.  My step-daughter doesn't have any friends over.  I have not seen a friend in 7 months.  She makes my husband her life, likes what he likes, doesn't like the same things, sits on his lap, snuggles on the couch, wraps her legs around him, hugs him continuously, etc., etc......She is 13.  It just isn't right.  And my husband doesn't see it.  It is unhealthy behavior...she needs friends, she needs to learn what she likes and what she doesn't, hugging and snuggling is all appropriate; however, there has to be a balance.  She won't let me hold his hand, she won't let me walk next to him or sit next to him without trying to come between us.  I'm exhausted.

[alyssa1220]

I'm sorry to hear that. I definitely get anxiety when my husband's kids are coming over. His daughter is 14 now and wants a baby of her own. My husband did not realize how disturbing her behavior was until he monitored her computer. He is finally starting to see. But she still tries to drive a wedge between me and her dad. It seems a lot of women are in the same position. At least your not alone and can talk to people in similar situations. It definitely makes me feel better!