Unruley 3 year old

[beccamcgee]

I am a 23 year old single mother of a 3 year old that I love more than anything in the world. Although I have as much uncoditional love for her as any mother does, sometimes I do not like her at all because her behavior makes it impossible for me to get anything done, go anywhere. I feel like a terrible parent most of the time because I don't even know how to take control of my own child. She doesn't listen to a word I say yet sometime she is the sweetest little girl and constantly is telling me how much she loves me, that may be because I am constantly telling her I love her because I do get so frustrated so often that I don't want her to ever feel like I don't love her. She doesn't listen to anything I SAY, she does listen to some people, the teachers at daycare she MOSTLY listens to, she listens to my grandparents when we go over to there house which is only once a month. If I say, "don't touch that" she will not only touch what I told her not to, usually she will take it and run and throw it down somewhere. This morning she grabbed a knife from the kitchen counter and I say firmly "No Parker! Don't touch that, it will hurt you please give it back" She took it, ran with it  and then sat on it and cut herself. How am I supposed to explain to a doctor if she were to stab herself? Someone would be likely to call CPS on me and I love my child and WANT sooo badly to be a good parent and learn how to deal with her. She lately has been throwing VOLATILE fits where she cannot be held because she will throw herself out of your arms, she will bite, hit and scratch me AND herself, she will cause herself to bleed she will scratch and bite so hard. She will be screaming at the very top of her lungs so loud it hurts my ears and says "I don't want you!!! Leave me aloooone!!" I don't know what to do at this point I am so stressed out I have horrible anxiety, I yell at her alot because I have no pateince left and I need help. Please tell me how I can help myself help her. I have a history of Mental Illness in my family, my sister is severly BiPolar and a recovering addict, my father is an addict, my mother is an addict and is delusional, I have suffered from ADHD and Depression as a child and still suffer from Depression and Anxiety as an adult. I wonder alot if she is BiPolar and I worry about her so much. We miss every birthday invite and play date, I'm sure that all of the other mothers my age think that I am so rude for never showing up and probably think I am doing wrong by not having her around other kids to have a good time. I dont take her places becuase I dont want  her to ruin anyones time or embarass me. This is so hard, I do not have much help taking care of her, she does not see her father or much of his family I am single and don't have many friends. I am very worried and sad I SEVERLY NEED HELP WITH HER.

[adgal]

Hi there.  I'm not a single mom, but do have a husband that travels for work, and I can understand how easy it is to feel a bit overwhelmed at times.  It cannot be easy doing this on your own, and hats off to you!  

I agree fully with what the other ladies have said, and have a few things to add.  I have a little mantra I like to repeat to myself.  When I start to feel frustrated, I remind myself that it is quite literally their job at this age to challenge boundaries.  It's all part of the learning process, and they are learning from us.  I take a few deep breathes before I address any situation.  I then make sure that I am reminding my son, or correcting his behavior in a very calm fashion.  I find that the times I raise my voice, it just makes things worse.  So I keep my calm tone (even if I am screaming inside..lol).  It makes a huge difference.  I know, not always easy - coming home from work, trying to get dinner on the table and dealing with a toddler who hasn't seen you all day and wants your 100% undivided attention.  Thing is, if they feel they aren't getting it, they will act up to get it.  So, my crockpot is now my best friend.  After I put my son to bed, I throw together a simple crockpot recipe, put it in the fridge, and then take it out and plug it in in the morning.  Dinner is ready when I get home, and I can focus all of my attention on my son.  He is happier, and I am less frantic.  

I also make sure that every single day I get a little bit of what I call "All about me time".  After my son is in bed, I will take a warm bubble bath, maybe spend a bit of time reading, or whatever it is that relaxes me.  And do reach out to friends and family for support.  Toddlers and parenting in general is not always easy.  We all need a little help.

All the best to you.

[skepticalpeach]

I'm glad you acknowledge that you need help. Raising a child (alone) is very difficult. At 3 your daughter does not understand that she is frustrating you. She's not doing it on purpose. If she is grabbing things she shouldn't your place should be completely child proof. Put the knives up high where she cannot reach them. Put child locks on cabinets, lock the fridge etc. It's pretty normal for children to do the exact opposite of what you tell them, so you need to reach them at their level.

It sounds like you could use some extra help. Do you have someone who could come over frequently and give you a break? Like your mom, a friend or family member? Any parent needs a lot of support and it's hard to stay calm without it. When you feel yourself reaching your limit take a step back, take a few deep breathes and call someone. If you can't call someone close to you there are free crisis lines.

If you are worried about your daughter's mental health you can bring it up with your pediatrician. They will help you decide if she needs to see a developmental pediatrician. I would also talk to your insurance about what kind of help you can get inside your home. Sometimes they will provide someone for you.

[specialmom]

Ahh.  Aren't three year olds great?  ha ha.  Everyone talks about two year olds but forgets to mention how hard three is.  I actually found it much harder than two for both of my boys!!  Do not feel alone.  Many parents are going through the same thing you are and actually this is normal.  Three year olds are suppose to test their boundaries and that she does it with you is a good sign that she is developing normally.  I, to be honest, don't hear anthing unusual or bipolar in your description of her.  And that she behaves well at school most of the time and at other's homes is really really a good sign.  

What can you do?  Well, a couple of things.  First, often  a three year old acts up in the way you describe to get our attention.  My kids have this built in radar for when I need to do something.  That is when they are the most needy or get into trouble often.  I get a phone call, the radar goes off.  There they are climbing a book case or fighting or needing me for this or that.  SO, if you think in those terms, adjust your schedule.  If you want to do something, spend some one on one time doing something with her for 15 to 20 minutes and then give her an activity she can do while you do what you need to do for 15 minutes.  Example:  you really need to do dishes.  You play with her for a bit and then say, okay---  now you are going to play with these magnets.  Then pull out a bag of magnets that she can play with on the frig door while you do the dishes.  do your dishes, she does the  magnets, win win.  I always had a bag of books, puzzles or a toy that I could pull out of a closet for my boys to do when I had to get something done.  If it is something that they don't play with or see all the time, it is exciting and MOST important------  distracting!  I always play with them first and then give them the thing to do and then do MY thing while they do theirs.  Coloring pages at the table while you make dinner.  A puzzle while you fold laundry.  But I got the bulk of my 'heavy' work done while my boys were sleeping either at nap time or bed time.  I also would try to find a 'mother's helper' or two.  These are kids in their early teens or even 11 or 12 years old that come over while you are home.  They play with the kids, you do what you need to do for an hour to two hours.  You pay them 2 to 3 dollars an hour and your daughter will have fun and you'll get your break to do what has to be done.  

I also had a bit different standard when my kids were tiny.  The house wasn't perfect.  Oh well.  My boys are now in school and the house is clean again.  

The next thing to consider is how to stay one step ahead of her.  Now you know, no knives on the counter.  Scan a room, see the no no objects and remove them.  I had this thing where I wasn't going to put away my "pretties" as my kids called them.  Then they'd grab them and I'd get upset.  So, finally I just put them away.  They came back out a year later----  no big deal.  If you don't want her to have the remote, keep it up high.  Things like that.  Make your life easier by just trying to stay ahead of her.  Then when she does grab something-----------  go to her, get on her level and say "I said no".  Then take her hand and walk her to a time out spot.  Put her in time out very calmly.  she moves, walk her back.  Lynn Clark wrote "SOS for Parents" which goes through the time out process.  Another great book is "1-2-3 Magic".  I also worked under the premise that my child had certaint things that meant a lot to him.  Like his blankie.  I'd go get blankie and say now blankie is in time out.  I'd keep it for a short bit.  I was the boss.  I established it.  I didn't have to yell or get mad.  I just quietly enforced the boundaries by always being consistent.  

I also believe in tiring kids out.  Get her outside running, jumping, climbing, etc. as this calms a child right down and has a positive effect on behavior.

Redirect is also a timeless method with young toddlers.  That means that if she is doing something she should 't do, bring out something else to distract her quickly.  

Last, give her lots of choices.  Many little small choices that don't matter much.  She'll feel like she has some control.  And then when she has no choice----  due to a safety issue, it will seem like a bigger deal and she'll better comply.  Pick your battles.  Say what you mean, stick to it.  STay calm.  good luck