What can I do?

[pixibabies]

My son will be 4 years old in November. I have a hard time getting him to listen to me and his babysitter. She is getting ready to give up on him. He likes to wrestle and fight with other children of all ages. When he doesn't get his way he cries and cries. I don't give in but it is so frustrating. He doesn't like to be told no, go to bed, clean his room, or even eat the food I make. He has only been like this for about a year and a half after my daughter passed away. It all turned when I moved back in with my mother and younger brothers. I have been on my own now for about three and a half months. It seems that no matter what I do he still doesn't want to listen to me. When I send him to time out he will get to the point where he cries so much that he gags. Also when this happens he will try to hit me and find anything to toss at me. I'm not sure where all the anger is coming from because I don't raise my voice often in my house. Trying to give him a talk is almost impossible because he throws himself down, starts to cry, and will not look at me. I have tried getting down to his level and explaining this but that doesn't work. What can I do for my son?

[specialmom]

I don't know what to say.  This is complicated.  As this started after his sister passed away (I'm terribly sorry for your loss)-----  I'm sure that is a lot for a little guy to handle.  They don't have mature emotions or the ability to understand.  I would guess that this has had a great affect on him.  You also need to know that 3 year olds are difficult creatures.  I thought three was much harder than 2 and honestly, 4 is  pretty tough too.  Much of what you say here is a child testing his boundaries.  With love, you have to help him understand where they are.  Is Dad anywhere around?  Dad's are a  great source of that physical play he is craving by wrestling other kids.  Otherwise, you have to do it.  Or maybe one of those brothers of yours. I have two boys and they love this.  We have pillow fights and they jump into pillows or my husband plays football, etc.  (my boys are 5 and 4.)  I would get him outside playing as much as possible.  This has a great affect on behavior.  But overall, I think I would try to find a posative parenting class for yourself----  often run at schools, children's hospitals, etc.  Also, always remain calm and perhaps even give him a hug when he is melting down.  This can sometimes be what a child really is needing at that moment.  Again, sorry for the loss of your daughter.  Good luck.

[pixibabies]

Let me start off by saying thank you for your input. Unfortunately his Dad is not around, and hasn't been since my daughter passed away. I do however have a boyfriend and we have been together for about 8months. We all are very active and playful with my son but I just don't know what to do with him fighting with other children. His daycare provider is to the point where she isn't wanting to take him if this continues. I have taken parenting classes but it still doesn't help with his behavior. I have learned to be more patient and try different techniques  with punishment. I think that I will try the hugs and see if it helps. I do however always reassure him that he is a good boy, but his actions are not when he fights, hits, and/or yells at others. I just don't know what to do. I have asked if my daughter's loss would effect him because he was in the house when everything happened (S.I.D.S), with the police, ambulance, etc. I was told no by a child psychiatrist. She says that he is to young to understand the loss and will forget soon enough that he will not remember her or what happened. Anything about how to make him quit fighting with others? I appreciate the time you took to read and reply. Do you think that taking away t.v and toys will help?

[specialmom]

Hi,  again----  that is just terrible about your daughter.  I can't imagine----- that is a lot for a family to handle.

What happens before the fighting?  Is he being picked on, teased or is it unprovoked?  Is he just lashing out in anger?  I do think that increasing his physical activity and physical play will help with this somewhat.  

He is very little.  Does his daycare provider have other kids and is it the type of set up where it is in her home?  Maybe this isn't the best place for him.  Perhaps a more structured daycare center would be better . . .  or if you have any family members to watch him.  I know this is hard to work out.  But don't put the pressure on yourself that he has to be a certain way for the babysitter.  That's too much pressure.  You want him to feel better on the inside as his behavior shows things aren't good for him.  Focas on that.

Pick one or two things to work on with his behavior at first.  No fighting is good to start with.  There is a book called "hands are not for hitting" that you can check out at the library.  Give him words to use when he is mad.  "I am so mad because Johnny didn't give me the crayon!"  The words are better than acting on the frustration.  Give him choices when possible.  Have him earn his tv time by not fighting in school.  Gets through the day without fighting----  gets to watch tv.  Fighting, then no tv.  You can only work in short time increments.  Use his most beloved objects for the bargaining.  Things taken away have to be very valued for him and again, you can only take them away for the day at most. Give him tons of  praise----  he'll like it.  And he may just start doing things to get that praise.  Have his babysitter make him her "special helper".  She doesn't have to tell everyone she is doing it, but she can keep him close to her this way.  Have him carry something for her or retrieve something for her and have her tell him thank you that she so appreciates it.  

Good luck and remember, he is still very young.  He needs lots of love.  

[pixibabies]

Thank you very much for your comments. We are all doing the best we can with the loss of my daughter.

I have taken his things away and that seemed to work. I took them away a little longer then usual tho. Thank you for your help and the book was good for me. I have signed up for a new parenting class for behavioral management with toddlers. So I hope this works. Have a great day. Hope all is well.  

[suziet]

He sounds very angry.  Where is his sister?  Why did they take her away and not bring her back?  Why didn't she wake up?  Why did we move she can't find us now?  What does dead mean?  Am I never going to see her again?  Am I going to die?  What happened that we are all not together?  Why didn't she wake up?  These are all questions my grandson asked when his grandpa died.  Why doesn't he just wake up was his number one question and he asked over and over. 3 and 4 year olds have questions and nobody can answer them to their satisfaction. Why does bad things happen to good people.  The children's section at your library may have books you can read to him to make him understand death.  The two of you can help each other.  I am sure the loss of a baby by SIDS has to be the worse experience ever.  Aren't you mad too?  I would be.  When he gets angry and cries maybe by crying with him because his baby sister is gone would let him know he did nothing to cause the baby to die it wasn't anyones fault.  I can not imagine trying to cope with your son's grief while coping with your own.  Your are at a hard place in life right now.  I am so sorry this has happened to the both of you.  Until you can both see sunshine again you have my prayers and best wishes.

[supermomma531]

I think that your son needs to have an area where he can go to get his frustrations out. When he acts out, allow him to do this in one specific area and reassure him that he's not being punished but he can do this in privacy if he wishes or if he needs you to help him through it, then so be it. I know that you're having a rough time right now, but things will get better over time. Have you ever thought about going through therapy with you and your son for grievance counseling? I believe this would benefit him and you a lot. This can also help to teach you how to deal with him when he has these meltdowns. If it continues for more of a time frame than what you think or feel it should, maybe going to behavior counseling would help as well. But grievance can take an extreme amount of time for anyone to get through. Everyone goes at their own pace. At the same time, maybe this specific day care isn't the right one for him. I'd keep a close eye on the situation and sees where it goes. Have you ever asked him how he feels about going to this daycare? Maybe he is getting picked on or bullied. Talk to him and let him know that you will always be there for him to talk with if he needs to. How long ago did your daughter pass away? I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe when he feels angry or hurt or whatever, let him put his feelings down in art form or drawings or cut and paste or painting or whatever he likes to do. He also may benefit from going to an extra after school program such as playing a sport or some thing else he may be interested in. Good luck.