What do I do about my fiances' son?

[nicolelangager]

I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years and we are getting married in August. His son his 9 years old and I have always had a wish washy relationship with him. His mother just recently gave us full custody, which I don't mind because her house and life are very unstable. His son calls me mom. However,  his son is very disruptive and disrespectful to kids and adults at school and gets in trouble everyday. He is very entitled, interrogate has no remorse for anything he does. He used to steal from his mom and he lies to us constantly to get his way. He says he feels bad for what he has done and I just don't buy it and I think he is faking it to get his way. He is very manipulative. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and I am started to think he also has traits of a sociopath. This worries me a lot. When I tell my mom about the stuff he is doing she always tells me that my sister and I would have never tried to pull the crap he does. Anytime we punish him for his actions, he doesn't seem to learn and he keeps making the "mistakes". Spanking, yelling and even positive reinforcement has no impact on him. When his son and I are home alone, and I ask him to do something he looks at me like he wants to murder me and honestly, it scares me. My fiance and I are somewhat on the same page but also disagree about things regarding his son. I am only 22 years old and I have spent the last year contemplating if I really want to raise someone else's kid. Unfortunately I am very much in love with my fiance and very comfortable with where my life is at and I don't like change. I am not sure if I really want to raise this child that is not mine and for him to grow up to be everything I have been afraid of him growing up to be. I am stuck and I don't know what to do? Please help!

[MrsPhillips95]

I agree with all the above. But I also wanted to add, if you aren't 100% sure that you want to raise his kid as your own, please don't marry him. You don't only marry him, you marry his kid too. Especially if he has full custody, you're mom, whether you're ready or not. If you don't have his best interest at heart, I'm afraid he won't get the help he needs. Especially if you are already saying "someone elses kid" or "this child that is not mine". The second you say "I Do" he is yours. So if you "don't want him" don't waste your fiancés, his sons or even your own time.

[nicolelangager]

I think I have resentment toward my fiances son's mother. She just completely dropped him out of her life like she doesn't care if he is there or not. I always put my fiance and his son before myself. When I spend money, I always am making sure his son has everything he needs and then some before me. I can't tell you the last time I spent money on myself or did something for my self. Not to mention that his mother is not here physically, emotionally or financially, and I think that takes a burden not only on his son, but on us as well. I feel that I am more than capable of raising his son with him but I also feel that when he does stuff that he knows is not ok and things that he has gotten in trouble for before, I get even more upset because he should know better. When these things happen I tent to step away or go to my room for a while to calm down and it seems to help. I just want to know if this feeling of such frustration is normal with children?

[Sandman2]

As you learn more about ADHD, you will realize that one of the main symptoms is the inability to think before acting.  They know it is not ok to do it, but they don't get the chance to process that.  And they will feel sorry about doing that for awhile.  Then the constant disapproval will get to them and they will tune out, lie, and do anything to avoid that which they have not learned to control.
  
And yes, I can understand why you have some resentment to his mom ...she gave up on him.  However, she also had no clue how to help him.

I have always felt that frustration is due to knowing that you should be able to do better, but haven't figured out how.  You might now have a small feeling about how a child with ADHD must feel until someone clues them into why they are acting the way they do....and then helps them to deal with it.

[realdeal0304]

All those feelings are normal. It's called being a "mom" to your biological child or non biological child. You give up a heck of a lot especially if you are raising a child with adhd.. how do I know? I have two boys and I am raising them on my own and I work full-time as a teacher.  Think about this kid for a second with out his behaviors..could you even fathom being given up to someone that is not your biological mom..this kid must be an emotional mess to begin with not to mention the adhd. I highly recommend that you get this kiddo into counseling asap and that you and your fiance go to counseling for the sake of the family. And you need to start thinking in terms that this is YOUR family and own it. If you don't want this..the sacrifice..the effort..then end the relationship period. Kids are a long-term  commitment and quite frankly, there are people that are not cut out for it and have to be honest about it..

[Cmaccy]

I agree that some of what you describe is consistent with an ADHD presentation, however, I don't get the sense that you understand what he is gaining from acting this way. This behaviour seems to be communicating some sort of distress. It sounds like he has had a tough time with moving away from him mum and on top of this with ADHD, and possibly being seen as 'the bad one'. If you think carefully about what he gets out of behaving this way you can then develop ways to help him meet this need without resorting to the behaviour. It sounds like he hasn't had an easy experience with his mum- I'm wondering whether he may find it hard to form attachments as he may have experienced rejection/ loss in the past from his mum. Children pick up on things and he will sense that you are wondering about your commitment and how to manage him- maybe this is feeling like another rejection to him even though that is not your intention? I have previously worked with young people who have used behaviours to test how that person will respond and if they will reject them, and equally with those who will make sure they behave in a way to make sure nobody can get close enough to them to hurt them. Maybe he is seeking a safe and stable environment- particularly if he has lived in an unstable environment. The natural thing to do when you feel unstable and out of control is to take control- maybe one of his ways of coping right now is to be in control as much as possible.

[RockRose]

This feeling is normal for women who have never had children,  and the child is their fiance's son.  

I think you need to rethink this,  and move out and be on your own to make a decision.  Your profile says you're 21,  your post says you're 22 - at any rate you're very young to mother a 9 year old.  And on top of that,  you're scared of him.  

I don't see how this will work long term.  

[Mariaxuseen]

If you're having second thoughts, follow your gut instinct. I am also 22, got married at 21, pregnant, and I'm already back living with my mom. My situation was kind of like yours except it was my husbands 29yo disabled brother, who has the mind of a child your fiancés age. He was in assisted living for people with mental disabilities and my husband got him out and moved him in without asking me and this was 1 month before our wedding. I was terrified of him and we had no privacy because he was just like a child and we had to monitor him 24/7. He wasn't a vegetable but just childlike.

Long story short, I didn't get to go on a honeymoon because of the 24/7 care the brother needed and no one to watch him, I was young, it was VERY overwhelming, I felt like a live in maid/caregiver, and I wasn't ready for those types of responsibilities. Like you I also don't like change and was very in love with my husband but we were fighting constantly about him and I spent a year in that and after finding out that I was pregnant I knew I had to leave.

My advice is think about this, and make an educated decision not based on emotions. This is your husbands son, so of course him and his needs will always come before you and your marriage. Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared to take on the extra stress, disappointments and burdens you will have to endure because of someone else's child? You will have to make a lot of sacrifices,and sometimes some that you are not prepared to make. Is your fiancé attentive to your needs and supportive of your input?  Give it a year before getting married and see how things go. You will figure it out in time.

[Alliebid]

Start from scratch. Marry a person with no kids. You are not there yet mentally or emotionally to be a mom of someone else's son. Your relationship will not last, bacause its all going to go even worse later. The teenage is ahead of you and you need to have a kid of your own to get there gradually and naturally. Find yourself a guy with no kids, so you can get there together. Sorry it is heartbreaking but sometimes yiu need to rip off the band aid. Or else you will ruin your life and everyone else's

[Sandman2]

These are all pretty common traits for someone who has ADHD that hasn't been properly treated or dealt with.  If you take the time to learn about ADHD, it will make a huge difference in your relationship with him.
   I assume he is not on medication?
   I am also the CL here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175  ; and can provide you with lots of very specific information.  You might want to post to me there so we don't tie up this site with ADHD questions.  But till then - here is a link of two that will help you.
     http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/100/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=July
    http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/784.html

  One other thing to think about is that his life at school is probably horrible and that will come out when he gets home.  Do check out the first link on ways to discipline ADHD kids.  As all of you have found out - what you are doing is not working.

  Another thing that will help is to get the school on board.  I am guessing the ADHD diagnosis came from them.  They need to start changing how they are working with him.  Finally, what are his sleep patterns like.  Many kids with ADHD have trouble sleeping and it makes them much, much worse during the day.  This link should help with that.  If he is having trouble sleeping - you will notice a difference if you can help him with that.  The link is
    http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/22/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=december&mc_cid=de2b5eef61&mc_eid=34d357d554

   I hope this helps!  If nothing else make sure you give my link to your fiance so I can help him help his kid.  Best wishes.

[Sandman2]

Oh, I should have added he is a long way from being a sociopath!   For a look at what the differences can be check out the second page in this link on the differences between bipolar and ADHD.  It gives you a feeling of what ADHD can do to a child.  The link is http://www.mdedge.com/currentpsychiatry/article/59930/neurology/adhd-or-bipolar-disorder-age-specific-manic-symptoms-are/page/0/1

[Sarah533]

And counsiling would help too

[Sarah533]

Get him help. He sounds like he has asburgers. My son does the same thing and he has asburgers. He probably needs to be on some medication if he is taking medication already, he needs it adjusted.

[Sevans1025]

I agree with everyone who said DON'T MARRY HIM!!!! Your resentment towards his mom is carrying over towards the child. This isn't good for ANYONE involved. Please find someone without kids!! You're not mentally ready to handle becoming mom to someone elses child. This kids mom has essentially abandoned him he needs some intense support and unconditional love to help heal him. Do not go into this thinking you're going to try and make it work because if it was going to work your feelings towards this child would already be diffrent from the start. To pursue marrying this man would be so ridiculously selfish of you. This boy needs more than you can give. Seriously, just walk away before you traumatize him more, or even worse sway his dad's feelings towards his son. The only person this kid has left that loves him no matter what. Your life and their life will be better off.You are clearly already resentful. You will resent being saddled with a child you haven't bonded with, the child will resent you for not showing him the care he needs, and his dad will also eventually resent you for never accepting his child. This is a recipe for disaster on all parts.