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What is Normal Communication?

My stepdaughter, age 4, frequently does not want to talk to her biological father, who lives out of state.  The father continually insists that he is to have COURT ORDERED Daily "Open Communication" with his daughter.  The divorce order does state "Open Communication" during the days when the child is not with the other parent.  The father calls my wifes cell phone everyday sometimes 2 to 3 times to supposedly talk to his daughter.  He will even call a second time the same day even after talking to his daughter.  My wife does not talk to her ex-husband, bitter divorce, but answers her phone so the father may talk to his daughter.  My step-daughter, age 4, does not want to talk every single day to her father; she many times is either eating dinner, playing with dolls, watching a movie, playing with her step-brothers.  She does talk to her father for 5-10 minutes about 2-3 times/week.  The biological father is taking my wife to court alleging that she is in "Contempt" by not allowing communication with his daughter, which is obviously false.  My question is: what is considered normal parent-child phone contact with a 4 year old?  Is an out-of-state parent calling everyday, sometimes 2-3 times acceptable?

Your help is much appreciated.

Thank you,

Marc


This discussion is related to "Brainwashing" Child?.
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135691 tn?1271097123
People should realize that there are two sides to every story before they go bashing the person who posted the question. I'm sure he didn't realize he had to put all of "that" out there for everyone to form an opinion of his wife, which isn't even what the question was about...
Marc...I sympathize for what you and your wife are going through. I wish there was a hand book out there for divorced parents and how they should co-parent their children. Obviously, by the examples you've provided, staying in an abusive relationship like the one your wife was in would not only have been the wrong thing for her, but for your step-daughter as well. Good for her for getting out and putting her daughter  and herself first. People make mistakes and getting divorced isn't the worst thing in the world, despite what some people on this forum will imply.
I don't know what an acceptable amount of time would be, but it kind of sounds like the biological father is more interested in making your wifes life miserable as opposed to talking to his daughter.
Good luck to you...
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Avatar universal
It is your fault that everyone saw your wife in a certain light.  We only had the information that you gave us.
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Avatar universal
It is your fault that everyone saw your wife in a certain light.  We only had the information that you gave us.
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Avatar universal
It is your fault that everyone saw your wife in a certain light.  We only had the information that you gave us.
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Avatar universal
Okay, perhaps I should have stated out the details as to why my wife chose not to communicate with her ex-husband. 1. She was repeateadly sodomized in her anus throughout the course of their marriage.  She used to have outer body experiences and to this day nightmares. Everytime she sees a movie which has any reference of sodomy like "Pulp Fiction" or "Monster" she has a harder time coping with it than people who have never experienced how it is to be penetrated in their anus especially without their concent. 2. He has called Police on her three times last year (we live in MD and he lives in GA) falsely accusing her that she is physically abusing the little girl. The girl is practically a Princess...to this day my wife wipes the girls butt for her and caters to all her needs.  The form of dicipline (if ever used) is time-out for a few minutes and an occasional slap on the butt when the child gets out of control.  Nothing more than that. 3. The man has called CPS on her last September when he found out that my wife and I were dating. That was an appalling experience not only for my wife but also for the day-care providers who see how happy the little girl is and how loving her mom is to her. 4. The man has called my wife's work threatening the co-workers (two to be exact) and demanded that they give him any information where he can reach her or else he will go to their heads. 5. When he found out that my wife has re-married, he called her cell in pretence to speak to his daughter 3 to 4 times a day till the Secuirty got involved and his Commander told him to reduce the calls to once per day. Still he calls more than once a day and tries to put a guilt trip on the little girl when she does not want to speak with him."Is mama being nice to you?"  "It's okay if you don't want to speak with daddy?" 6. The man wanted my wife to abort the fetus when the girl was conceived. When that did not work he got more and more violent and tried to shove her against the kitchen island while my wife was 9 months pregnant.  She finally got a restraining order on him then. 7. He flung the baby up in the air over and over again while the ceiling fan was running to horrify my wife so that she won't go to police when he sodomized her and ruptured her hemoroids that she had when she delivered the child. 8. He has a collection of every pron magazine....I never knew existed like Fox, Barely Legal, etc. with hard-core stuff that one can't even fathom. Shall I say more? Or did you get the picture as to why she does not speak with him?  My wife is not a Saint but she is a good person and a very loving mother. So before you go on judging her, try to walk in her shoes before you try to crusify her.





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377600 tn?1225163436
After thinking some more:

'COURT ORDERED Daily "Open Communication"'

Daily being a key word.  He has a right to talk to his daughter.  You are supposed to tell the child her father is on the phone and try to help them build a close relationship through that medium.

You could creatively lure her with the phone.  I have children, and they were scared to talk to their overseas grandparents, but we found ways to make it work.

All I see and read is that you are the superior parents and that your wife is openly hostile about communicating.

He is her father.

I really hate divorce as it does nothing but create problems for children.  And by the way, a mountain of evidence supports my claim if you really want me to dig it all up.
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Avatar universal
On the flip side, My 6 year old never wants to talk to his dad either.  I have never been mean or nasty to his dad.  And, his dad calls often...usually my son talks for about 5 minutes and then says, you want to talk to my mom?  I know it is hard on his dad that he is so nonchalant about talking to him.  The bottom line is that most children when they are young dont like to talk on the phone a lot.  They dont know what to say.  It is hard for the absent parent to realize that it might not necessarily be anyones fault, but just an uninterested child.  When you are used to spending every day with someone, and then you are reduced to a couple of phone calls during the week and a visit on the weekend, it can be really difficult.  I agree that your wife isnt being a good sport.  Try to put yourself in the dad's shoes.  It would not be easy to feel like you were losing your child...
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377600 tn?1225163436
Actually, I think this is sad. 5-10 minutes 2 to 3 X a week is disheartening for any parent, and I suggest that your wife learn how to be cordial.  Courts are for people who refuse to get along.

She needs more of her biological father in her life.

Regardless of what any of you think.
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Avatar universal
     What a wonderful stepdad you are!  
     It sounds like bio-father is afraid he is loosing his daughter and he will go to great lengths to keep that from happening.  The more you can do outside of court - the fewer battles, upsetments, and hard feelings - the better for the little girl, as well as for everyone else involved.    
     So what is best for your little stepdaughter?  In my opinion, the disruptive calls bio-father is making are not as problematic for the little girl as is mom's attitude toward bio-father.  Your wife's resentment/anger is playing out in front of her and she's learning to see her bio-father as Mom sees him.  Your 4 year old is quite naturally taking cues from your wife.  
     This is not good.  In some way, children see themselves as 1/2 Mom, 1/2 Dad.  In a child's eyes, Mom's anger at Dad can eventually translate into her having a "bad" side she inherited from him.  When a child loves her bio-parents, she has an easier time loving herself.    
     I do not doubt bio-father's a jerk.  However, for your 4 year old's sake, it has to be more-than-okay for her to enjoy her bio-father's calls; more-than-okay for her to love her bio-father to death.  It's easy to do - after all, isn't she encouraged to love you, listen to you, enjoy you?
    Your wife can't or won't be the solution to this problem.    
    Are you open to letting bio-father call your cell phone instead of wife's?  Would you be able to negotiate more stable, predictable call-times?  If bio-father sees that you are working - on both-of-your daughter's behalf - to keep his connection to her open and strong, everyone wins.    
    Remember, love is not jealous - the more love in a child's life the better!  Your stepdaughter can thrive best with her mother's love, your love and the love of her bio-father.  
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