What should I do with my 4 year old?

I am writing this e-mail in desperate need. I am a single mother of a 4 and 1/2 year old. I have no family support and am in my third year of college. Ever since my son was an infant he has been difficult, throwing temper tantrums at 5 months and getting into things. I will tell him to do something and he will deliberately disobey me. He is extremely active often getting up before me. If I don't hear him he usually has torn apart some part of the house. He gets into things into the kitchen, wasting, spilling and messing everything. He knows not to do these things and I find myself hysterical at times. I am constantly cleaning and the only way I can get anything done is to enlist him to help me. He has cut his own hair, riped important papers and the list could go on. He refuses to clean his room and I have practically taken every toy away from him. He is currently not going to junior kindergarden because his teacher also finds him impossible to deal with. He won't listen, distracts other kids and won't sit. I have taken him out of that school (which was full day, every other day) and will be enrolling him in a school which is half-day everyday hoping that will be more effective. I am at my wits end and it is taking every ounce of strength to be patient with him. I have begun spanking him and am afraid I might abuse him. I know this is wrong and feel terrible but I need desperate help. Please help me.

       Ivana

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Ivana,

There are times when we can offer guidance re: behavior management, limit setting, discipline, communication, etc., to help with parenting issues. To try to offer you such suggestions would be irresponsible, because you need to reasses your situation in general. Your child is out of control, and that ususally signifies that a child is feeling very vulnerable.

Please consult with your child's pediatricians or health care providers and request a referral for an evaluation. The pediatric mental health clinicians will be able to offer you some help about how to structure your family life in a way that will allow your son to feel more secure and in control. Your difficulties will not be solved by making little adjustments.