What's wrong with her?

[winegums]

My 9 year old daughter has suffered from button phobia since birth, she has never slept for more than 4 hours in the last 9 years, preferring to scream the house down every night, she suffers severe anxiety and has to have a strict routine, eg, if we don't leave for school on the dot of 8.30am she throws a tantrum, she watches tv on full blast but still complains we are breathing too loud and she can't concentrate on the tv, she won't wear underwear as she can't stand the feeling against her skin and she is downright rude to people. The thing is, she is highly intelligent and apart from a few small incidents at school the teachers said she has no problems in school and is a model pupil. Our GP diagnosed severe anxiety disorder but we are on a waiting list for a child psych. which is 12 months long but as she has no problems in school, she is not classed as urgent. The house is a very tense place when she is here as she has tantrums approx every hour - going from laughing to a fierce temper then back to laughing constantly, we've tried everything, rewards, charts, denying treats, ignoring her, distraction but I've now got stomach ulcers due to the stress and my husband and I are at the end of our tether. Please help

[jdtm]

So what did I do wrong 4th time around?  --  your words

Nothing.  Anxiety is a genetic condition; it is not caused by life experiences.  Your daughter "got" her anxiety the same way she "got" her eye colour.  It's the "luck of the draw" (and frankly, there's far worse things she could have inherited).


Why can she behave so well in school and yet so badly at home?   --  your words

Your daughter is trying to survive and thus is able to "hold it together" while at school.  It must take a lot of effort and stress to do well in school.  Our child was not able to do this.  But, when your daughter gets home and is able to relax in her "safe" environment (the school in your daughter's eyes is perceived to be unsafe), the stress and frustrations are released as she begins to relax, and that is what you are seeing.  For us, our child best handled this transition time alone in her room.  


There is lots of information on the internet re anxiety - have you googled phrases as "anxiety disorders in children" or "how to help a child with anxiety" or "behaviors of anxiety in children" (note the spelling of behaviours - most of the information is from  the U.S and thus the spelling is abbreviated - no "u")?  Anxiety is a life issue and your daughter can learn how to manage her fears/anxieties with help.  You can actually begin this process by educating yourself on this issue - the internet will also give you ideas on how best to help.  But, first, I would suggest you relax, be patient, educate yourself on this disorder and be confident in knowing that your daughter's anxiety can be conquered.  If your daughter believes that you feel she will get better, it will help her also to believe this fact.  Today, our child is a teenager and doing so well (her anxiety was more severe than your daughter - she was unable to learn in school or even speak in public for several years).  As I said, anxiety is a very common issue and highly treatable.  

I  might suggest you post on the Anxiety Forum on this site - perhaps others with more experience might be able to assist you.  All the best ...

[winegums]

Hi and thanks for your replies. I have googled sensory disorders and she does fit into a lot of the criteria.  It's so frustrating as apparently in my area (which is Liverpool), children can only be referred to a CAMS? team through a joint request from both the GP and school but as her school don't have any concerns of their own they refuse to have any involvement. I feel like a really bad mum as she is the youngest of 4 all to my husband who I married 20 years ago. We have a big house which is paid for, own a very successful company and the children want for nothing which is a lot more than my husband and I ever had. My other children are all intelligent, friendly and very grateful for the material things they have. My husband and I love them all wholeheartedly and tell them all the time and I feel blessed that they feel they can, and do, talk to us about anything. So what did I do wrong 4th time around? Behaviour is learnt so it must be me and I don't realise it. I'm even willing to pay for my daughter to see a private psychiatrist but can't find one nearby. Why can she behave so well in school and yet so badly at home?

[jdtm]

Mammo is probably correct in that your daugher also suffers from sensory integration disorder.  This disorder is usually co-morbid with anxiety (as is depression) although anxiety tends to be the principal disorder.  When the anxiety is lessened, the sensory issues will also lessen.  By the way, silliness and temper tantrums as well as sleeping, eating, and bathroom issues are behaviours common to those suffering from anxiety.  Often children with anxiety are able to "keep it together" while at school; then when they return home to the safe environment, all "hell breaks loose".

I really feel you need to go back to your primary physican and demand that you see another specialist.  Our child was also diagnosed with severe anxiety; her waiting to see a child psychiatrist was only one month but it took a couple of "tries" before the referral was "speeded up".  After all, what is the saying - "the squeeky wheel gets the grease"?  Where do you live?  There  must be other specialists in your area which your doctor could recommend.   All the best ...

[mammo]

It sounds more like a sensory disorder, does she not have a pediatrician?  They can often speed up the process of an evaluation.  Google sensory disorders and see if she fits into any of them.  There are different types and they vary in severity.  I would also want to observe her in the classroom (without her knowing), normally a child will have the same issues at both school and home.  If she is much better behaved at school, then look at what can be done differently at home. I know this is both frustrating and exhausting, I hope you get some answers real soon. Take care.