When is shyness a problem?

[kellyrrn]

Hello. I we have a wonderful 5 y/o son. He is our only child. His dad is shy, so it was no surprise that our son is also. I have gone to playgroups with him since he was 2 years old. He has always had interaction with family. His shyness was complicated by being bullied in pre K-4. Now he does not want to go to birthday parties and such. We put him into karate and basketball over the summer. He is now in a new school. He states he only has one friend in school. Sometimes he hids behind my back when people say hello. He does go off to play when we are at my friends and does run off to play in church. Two of his schoolmates go to church with us and are always happy to see him, he however does not always say hello back. He plays with them sometimes. He usually prefers older kids. He does answer adult's questions if they are not complete strangers. He most prefers to be at home playing with my husband and I. None of his teachers have stated he is having social issues. His pre K-4 teacher, however, did not feel he was ready for kindergarten, felt my husband was babying him. His birthday is 10 days before the cut off date for kindergarten, so we put him into a new school, pre K-4 again, and made him the oldest, instead of the youngest.

[tejodouro]

You can also try social skills classes depending where you live.  My older child was very shy in pre school.  I enrolled her in various social skills classes offered in my area during K, 1st grade and 2nd grade.  These are classes where social skills and social "thinking" are taught by a prefessional with a group of 4 or 5 kids.  I also did lots of playdates at my house with one peer.  I always did a birthday party and holloween party for my child with 4 or 5 friends.  My child is now 10 years old and has a group of 4 or 5 friends that stay together and play together at school.  She is invited over to their house and she does fine.  She is still not a social butterfly but she manages.  I just keep her socially busy which is harder as they get older because of homework and sports.  Make sure that he is exposed to lots of social activities: social classes, sports, playdates, parks with lots of kids to play with, church and summer camps.  Also make sure that his teacher is aware of your concerns and helps your child in class and recess with coaching him to be friendly and play with someone.  Do not keep him at home with a shy dad.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Shyness tends to be hereditary - the apple does not fall far from the tree. It can pose a problem when it interferes with normal development, particularly participating in normal social interaction for a child's age. So it is important not to collude with your son in keeping him from activities. Instead, keep him in the mix. Your husband might want to consider the feedback about 'babying' your son - perhaps he does. This occurs when a shy parent overly identifies with a shy child and unwittingly contributes to behaviors that get in the way of overcoming the shyness.