When is the right time to tell my daughter that her daddy is not her biological father?

When is the right time to tell my daughter that her daddy is not her biological father? My daughter turned 12 in February; she has never known her biological father. It is a very long story, but he had his parental rights relinquished when she was merely 1 year old. He is not allowed to have any contact with her or myself. Shortly after, I began a relationship with my boyfriend. We have never married legally, however been together as married for the last 11 years. Over the last year or so, my daughter has begun to ask strange questions; like, why her eye color is different and saying that she wants to see her birth certificate. I have asked family and friends if I should tell her, and I get a mixed response. Some tell me, that if she is asking questions, then I should tell her. Others tell me that I should wait as long as possible because she will be coming into a difficult age and use it against me. It takes someone special to be daddy to a child, and for that reason, I feel loyalty to my boyfriend. He does not want me to tell her yet either. I’m trapped between my love, loyalty, and trying to provide normality and stability for my daughter; and the increasing guilt and weight of caring this secret.

[indigo39]

I think she is past old enough to know. Sit her down with her and your boyfriend, and explain what happened, and emphasize that her daddy is the man who has loved and help raise her. She deserves to know the truth, and the longer you wait the more she'll resent you for holding out, especially if she already suspects.

[confused43]

I have a similar situation to yours.  I did tell my daughter when she was very young.  It will always be difficult for her and she will blame you, her natural father, etc. but being able to have a trusting relationship with you is more important than anything.  Lieing does nothing but break trust.  I suggest next time she brings up concerns that you tell her that truth is very important to you and you realize that she is mature and old enough to learn some things that she could not necessarily understand when she is younger.

[Agiesmom]

If you live as if you are married and you and your daughter consider him to be your daughter's father, why not marry your boyfriend and have him adopt her?

If, when you sit down to tell her, your boyfriend tells her that he would like to marry you and adopt her to make what is already in your hearts "official" and have it all on paper, she may receive it better.  (Especially since she's asking to see her birth certificate--the paper may be something tangible and important to her.)

[babybluemama]

Tell her now.  I don't know you and I don't know your daughter.  And being that she is 12, there may be some tween feelings thrown in there where she feels she has been lied to and she may rebell.  But, tell her that she does have a biological father who created her, and a daddy who loves her very much.  You may need professional help for some time after, but where the cards fall is worth it.

My family kept a big secret from me, until I was 18.  For some reason, each person involved in this took me out to dinner (unknown from each other) and told me the whole big story of what happened when I turned 18.  It was overwhelming to have everything I have ever thought to be true in an instant be untrue.  I was for a very long time angry because I know my life would have been very different had I been told this story from the start.  I know I would not have the trust issues that I have had I known.  I am 30 now, and still get angry when I think about it.  

[momagain59]

Your words, "Over the last year or so, my daughter has begun to ask strange questions; like, why her eye color is different and saying that she wants to see her birth certificate"

I would say that she already knows. Someone probaly told her something to make her wonder about what the truth is.

I always knew when I wanted to know something, I could ask my Mom or Dad and I would get the truth or be told that was something that was none of my business. I do not remember a time that I was lied to by either of them. That was a very secure, safe, feeling.

I would tell your boyfriend that you are not going to lie to your daughter anymore. Not telling her the facts that she is entitled to is lieing. I am sure that he is worried that she will not feel the same toward him. So, I would be sure to include him so he could reassure her that he loves her and to him, she is his daughter. She will respect him for that and she will love him just the same. You want to be the ones to tell her the whole truth and answer all of her questions. I would go somewhere as a family afterwards to reinforce the fact that you are Mom and he is Dad. (most males can be a sperm donor)