When to tell child about his biological father and his Step dad

[shesax]

My son just turned 4 yrs. old and he has always known his daddy to be my husband (step dad).  His biological father has visitation and my son does care for him.  He calls him (biol.) by his first name and calls his step dad "daddy".  He adores and is quite bonded with his step dad.  He is oblivious at this point to everything and just thinks the other is a good friend.  It seems the biol. father is calling himself "daddy' when they are together sometimes.  I do not like this since it will only confused my son.  I wish to discuss with the biol. father a manner of going about this in the best interest of my son.  Please advise me on some ways to go about communicating this to a child....and when?

Thank you very much!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You do not have to say very much at all. Let him know that it is OK to call each of his fathers Daddy - the specific name will develop on its own. And try not to be too anxious about causing him any long-lasting problem. Children are not so fragile that they can't deal with these things. Just be truthful and straightforward, saying as little as possible to get the message across.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It's OK to talk with him about this now, though it may be hard for him to comprehend entirely at this age. But, over time, he will come to understand more and more. It is important that you and his father reach some agreement re: what name to use. And, his father is certainly not being unreasonable when he calls himself Daddy while with your son. After all, he is your son's father, and he should not be regarded as simply a friend. It's also OK if he calls both his father and his stepfather Daddy. Again, over time he'll come to grasp the difference between the two persons he refers to as Daddy.

[wannabmommy]

A related discussion, HOW/WHEN TO TELL ABOUT BIOLOGICAL FATHER? was started.

[Step101]

A related discussion, Emergence of Bio Father was started.

[mandylou2]

I total agree with the doctor. I have  a 7 yr. girl. Her bio dad was in and out of her life for 3 yrs. I married my husband when she was 3 1/2. I never told her to call him daddy. I called him Jason and explained to her what a dad and family is all about. The people who love you and take care of you. Now she calls Jason daddy and her bio dad Robert. There actions of a daddy will speak louder then words. Hopefully he can call them both daddy and be proud to say so. Good luck!

[shesax]

Thank you...

[shesax]

Dear Dr. Kevin,

Thank you very much for your well-educated response.  This is my first time addressing an issue in such a forum.  I appreciate the immediate attention.  

In response to your response, I am very happy to have my son know who his biological father is.  The way I see it is he is incredibly blessed to have so many who love and adore him in his life.  My query and the uncertainty lies in exactly WHAT to say and how much to say.  Should I just start calling him (biol.) "Daddy John" for example?....and refer to his step dad (my husband) as Daddy Joe?...not just daddy, and leave it at that until he starts asking?  Maybe ease into it?...and when he does ask, how in-depth should one go with a child?...and is there a book or little story to refer to to help parents with such a delicate matter?  I really am quite eager to do the right thing.  He is such an emotionally well-balanced child right now, I really want to make certain I don't go about this in any way that may be damaging or possibly emotionally confusing for my "very sensitive" young man.  : )

Thank you Again,

SheSax