When to tell my daughter I am her biologic father

[pete75]

I have a daughter who is 10 years old. When her mother got pregnant she was still married so my daughter thinks someone else is her father. Her "father" was present for only the first 2 years of her life before divorcing her mother.I have been spending some time with my daughter lately, and I am referred as a friend of both her mother and my daughter. We live very far appart but my schedule allows me to visit her several times a year and plan to do so more. Her mother allows me to interact with my daughter and start building a closer relationship, and I appreciate that, but expects me to act as a surrogate father for now. I am of the idea of telling my daughter sooner rather than later, but she wants me to build a relationship with daughter and maybe in the future disclosing this information to her. I just want to do whatever is in my daughter's best interest. Even I can't compensate for years of abscence, for some reason she is very interested in me and I want to be in her life too. She knows me since she was born, with very sporadic encounters over her life. I am in my early 30s, single, no drug related problems, financially in excellent terms and available to  my daughter. When do you think is the right time to tell her that I am her real biologic father?
Thanks

[Vet35]

Have you told her yet? From your post on May 5th 2008 she absolutely knows and she pushing you and her mum to tell her the truth . Kids are not daft, I guarantee she's been sitting with her friends having adult conversations, coming up with ways of how to get you guys to just come out with it.

I am I'm her situation and not having been told the truth for my whole life isn't the worst thing at all. I can understand why they may have thought it best to keep it a secret. However, now I am asking questions, comparing photos of how I look spitting image of our 'family friend', because they keep doging questions and fobbing me off, I feel very hurt.

So I sincerely hope you guys have told your intelligent, mature daughter and I really hope things are working out well. You sound like a lovely gent who woul make a lovely father.

[boosty]

either she knows it and feels it in her heart or she really wants a father.

[pete75]

Thanks for the replies. I plan to be for her emotionally and financially. I am adjusting, since I am learning how to interact with her. All my free time is dedicated to her but we live 1500 miles apart. It has been pretty smooth so far, even though she picks up even small mistakes I make. I guess I am going to wait some months and talk to her mother about telling my daughter sooner rather than later. Sometimes I don't even know what she knows. She makes comments to her mother (not to me directly) such as "I am going to introduce him (me) as my uncle to my friends, but they will realize that he is my father since we look alike and we behave the same" or "he has the same eyebrows as I do can we do a DNA test". Sometimes I am so impressed by her comments and I have no clue if this is normal for a 10 year old girl and if there is something she knows unconciously.

[ccastillo]

I think sooner is better if you are going to stay and not leave.  Also, to be there when she needs you emotinaly, and financialy.  Both are important.  This is hard.  Because if you wait then what kind of harm is going on from her needlessly suffering from missing a dad possibly.  Anyway, I think we all agree- 10yrs old- she already knows something is up, children are very smart and in tune and very aware of parents feelings so she probably knows something and is not saying.  Good luck

[boosty]

i think that the mother would know best. but i do also think that sooner the better. try to make more time so that she can also benefit from you being her father and being around. hows your relationship with your daughter now? if i were you, i would sit down and talk seriously to the mom and try to figure out a good solution. she is already ten years old and hasnt had a father in her life in her eyes for a long time. she needs it. not just a man in her life, but a father. i would tell her before her teenage years begin and then she will be in the blaming stage. good luck

[musicmama]

You and the mother need to agree on this.  I think the sooner the better.  Your daughter may feel a bit betrayed that she wasn't told sooner.  Even when you do tell her, be prepared for a reaction.  You've adjusted to this for the past ten years, and she hasn't had any time to prepare for this.

Good luck and God Bless.

[RockRose]

When her mother and you agree it's time to tell?  When she says "I wish you were my dad"?