Who do I believe

[tphillip]

My daughter recently accused  my boyfriend touched her. Him and i have been together four years and i have never thought this or suspected it. she told her fathers girlfriend and her father and i talked to her and she recanted her story but recently recanted the recantment and is now saying that it did happen. she has been acting out for the past year with other lies and i don't know what to believe. she said it happened three years ago when her father wasn't really in her life and my boyfriend was her acting father. cps is currently investigating this and she is unable to be with me. I know in my heart that when i talked to her and she told me that it wasn't true that was the truth but the just think i am taking his side. her father and i are going through a horrible divorce and we have another daughter together and he is not in her life. my boyfriend is her father in her mind.

[aalaiyah]

how old is your daughter first of all?? also has she seen a specialist on the issue? they should be able to determine what the truth is...you should be careful because when someone tells you they were abused then you should believe them or they are likely to recant their story or close themselves off about it. however, you know your children the best and should have somewhat of a gut instinct. do be careful that the love for your bf could cloud your judgement and the last thing you want is to chose him over your daughter is she is telling the truth. you can look up a lot of information online about the signs of sexual abuse to see if anything raises a red flag. these types of situations are very hard to decifer and are very emotional and such touchy subjects. the age of your daughter really plays a huge part in whether or not she would be telling the truth.

[Angelinthemorning]

I do not think her age really is an issue.  Could it be she's been acting out b/c of what did or did not happen to her.  In almost every situation the partner of the abuser does not believe the abused.  I know it can be hard to take it in but, consider this.  Would you rather give your daughter the support she needs now, or decide she's "just lying" only to find out later that she is telling the truth.  
It can be absolutely devestating for a child to go through this especially when they feel abandoned by their parents.  I'm not suggesting you're doing this in any way, only that either way(lying or not) she needs your love and support more than anything.

[margypops]

First always check out the childs story and believe her so many times this happens when Moms dont want to believe it, check all the facts  Children out of fear or shame very often go back on the story .I agree with everything the above post is telling you.

[TaunyaLee]

Believe your daughter. My stepdad started molesting me when I was 13. That abuse continued through my teen years, and even into my 20's. I told my mom ,repeatedly. I moved out of my family home when I was 16. I told school counselors,the sheriff,friends and relatives.To no avail.  I have suffered from depression, social anxiety,low to non-existent self esteem my entire life. My stepdad did the same thing to my aunt. My mom did not defend either of us. My aunt and I have both had serious selfworth issues. Believe your daughter, until you have concrete reasons to do otherwise.Recanting is common, she doesn't want her world turned upside down any more than you do.If your reaction to her claims is that she's a liar, of course she would recant,she can't bear to lose your love. That's how she will interpret your reaction. And a more serious reason to recant would be
because she's been threatened with retaliation of some kind. Depending on your daughter's age, try and talk to her, gain her trust and confidence in you. You are the mom. Your job is to protect her. If she is lying , then there are other issues she needs help with. Bottom line is , she needs her mom.
Speaking from experience   Taunya

[TaunyaLee]

Last post should be to tphillip

[RockRose]

tphillip,  this  is a very difficult question.  

All I can add is that this story is very atypical for sexual molestation - if she was available to him,  and she didn't tell when it happened,  it's atypical for the sexual molestation to have stopped after one event years ago.

I'm not trying to inflame anything or anyone,  but in cases like this you really do have to sort out truth from attempts to drive wedges between parenting homes.

[Angelinthemorning]

In regard to the last post...I was in a situation where I was touched once and throughout the rest of my time at my parent's home little things would come up.  "Massages without a shirt, or on my legs"  Although, this was not what some consider sexual abuse and I was never again touched directly.  I do know that it was uncomfortable to me and that is the main issue.  And it is something I would never want my girls to go through.  It is wrong if the child genuinely feels something's wrong.  
All I can say in regards to it being one incident, no, it's not typical but we don't know if the abuser is struggling and "slipped up" this once.  
You will get alot of opinions on this but people who are sexually abusive can't just be cured.  It is a daily struggle for most of them to stay in control.  
I do know that I personally will always side with the child in these situations because of what happened to me.  Within the past 3 years I finally confronted my abuser and have since been disowned by everyone in my family except one brother.
I think the main issue is to support your daughter in every way possible.  It's absolutely the most heart-wrenching thing ever to lose your mother.  

[margypops]

You really know what you are saying and italso  definatly comes from my experience of what happened to my daughter ,it happened a few years ago now but the trauma lives  on in  my Family. My daughter hasnt lost me however, I try each day to make it up to her for not seeing what was going on and being too busy' working" she has many issues stemming from the abuse and I cant ever change that I have to live with it.

[Angelinthemorning]

Bless you for paying attention now.  I can't tell you how great it is to hear that.  You are among a very small group of women who actually believe their children.  I can only imagine that you are struggling for "missing" it in the beginning.  I am in my late 20's now and although the abuse stopped more than 10 years ago everday is still a struggle which I'm sure is for your daughter as well.  Your daughter is very blessed to have you.  

[margypops]

Thank you Angel it is a long battle as my other daughter still says I should not have been so busy and at work I should have been home more and not allowed the abuse to happen,unfortunatly is was severe abuse and my child was about 4 when it started and I wasnt told or didnt find out till she told me at age 13, the perpetrator told her " No one will believe you, " and " I will go to prison" he bribed her with gifts,  it was her grandfather and the Grandmother was around we actually had no inking of what was happening. As I said I was busy and no one else noticed anything either. It split our Family up, I only found out when the Grandmother died, and he wass till alive ,he is dead now but the hurt done to us lives on.

[margypops]

Hence I have been trying to be part of the Abuse Forum

[babygirl6152]

It's really so hard to know as some have said here- on the chance the girl is trying to drive a wedge between family members.....my sister did this and claimed my dad tried to kiss her inappropriately at age 35- they confronted him about it a few years later and well,- it was absurd. Within the next ten years my sister accused 2 other church members of trying to be "indecent" with her. Now we see the pattern. She needs the drama maybe?
There is an instrument that police use now that is called a LIE DETECTOR- it tends to tell investigators who is fibbing.

Good luck

[Angelinthemorning]

Your sister said this happened when she was 35??  That does seem odd if that's the case.

[Angelinthemorning]

Just on a side note.  I have been told by two seperate pyschologist that deal with sexually abused children.  There are very, very few incidents when the abuser is just abusing one person.  That's the first thing I was told to do, was ask my brothers if they were abused also.  Fortunately, they did not have sexual abuse.  But, my abuser was stalking teenage girls my brothers dated.  
I know you have a another child in the home is the only reason I mention this.

[Martind12001]

Believe your daughter!

My daughter has been abused and i instantly believed her and sorted it
Its very unlikely a child will make up about being abused, if shes too young to know about sex etc, ask her what happened, if she goes into detail about things little girls shouldnt know then i would worry,

Go to your doctor if you are worried they might be able to refer you to someone

[margypops]

Definatly believe her and ask your Doctor for advice.

[Lonelymom]

My mom didn't believe me when our neighbor was molesting me for over a year. She told me I was lieing and that he was a Christian and wouldn't do those things. I was hurt for many years over it. She finally found out I wasn't lieing. We avoid the subject now because it still brings back hurtful feelings. Please believe your daughter and help her move past this.