Why did my grandson not want to spend the night with me?

Hi -- My 3-1/2 year old grandson loves to spend the night or weekends at my house. I have a room set up for him with his own bed, toys and everything else imaginable that he would want or need. It's like a home away from home for him. This weekend he was supposed to spend Saturday night and Sunday morning with me. My son-in-law brought him over at about 3:00 p.m. on Saturday afternoon and, when he came in, he was very excited to be there. I have a Hot Wheels bike for him. He wanted to bring it in the house (which would have been ok with me) but his dad said, "no." He wanted Gatorade to drink (which I keep on hand for him) and his dad said "no." He wanted to come in the basement with me to get my laundry and his dad said "no." (And on and on and on with "no!") I did not want to go against his dad so I did not say anything but I was starting to sense something. Also, his dad kept talking about doing stuff he promised to do with him the following day that he was looking forward to and that were fun things for a kid (go to a baseball game, make homemade popsicles, etc.). I suddenly got the impression that my grandson wanted to be with his father because it would be more fun. Kids will be kids and I realize that but there was never a time, from when he was little, that he did not want to stay with me. I was broken hearted when he left and I and could not stop sobbing.

I'm very sad and I'm also angry that my son-in-law did not say, ask Gram if it's ok, rather than saying "no" each time he asked for something. Also, when I sent my kids to stay with my parents or sister, I never geared them up for anything I was going to do with them when they came back home. I always made sure to tell them they would have fun when they visited them.

I know my daughter is not going to call to discuss this but I'm very sad and upset by this. Would I be wrong to tell my son-in-law to let me decide what I think is ok or not ok for my grandson to do at my house?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

That would be fine to say, though don't necessarily expect it will go over very well with your son. It may be that your son has some problem with your grandson's visiting. You of course can broach the matter with him. But my guidance is to let it alone. The behavior was an anomaly, and focusing too much on behavior that is anomalous is often not a worthwhile exercise.