Wife/Stepson Conflict

[TrueTexan]

Hello - I'm new to this forum and hope that it can help me out.

I have been married to my wife for over 8 years now and she has a 12-year-old boy from a previous marriage.  We have since had a child together - a 3-year-old girl.  For all of our 8 years, my stepson has always wanted to crawl in bed next to his mother and I have basically been asked to shut up about it.  This is the one and only conflict my wife and I have, and I don't know what to do about it.  I am uncomfortable with it because he's as tall as his mother and he is showing signs of hormonal development.  When he was younger, it didn't bother me as much, but the older he gets, the more uncomfortable I become.  If I bring it up, either nicely or not, it blows up into a fiasco and I end up rolling over and drooling for a period of time until I get fed up again.  The point is, it is my bedroom also and I have no say-so on who comes in and when.  It's not that my stepson is unwelcome, I just can't speak up if I don't want him to come in - it's always taken the "wrong way" and it's assumed that I have woken up grumpy.

I really want to resolve this matter once and for all, but I don't think my wife will budge on it.  Any advice?

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Does your son have any emotional or developmental problems?  If not, I think it is not appropriate for him to be in the parental bed at 12.  You need to seriously discuss this with your wife when your son is not present.  Take her out for a nice romantic walk and lay your heart bare.  Tell her how uncomfortable it is making your feel.

I think most kids will outgrow the need to be in mummy and daddy's bed occassionally by the time they are 7-8.  He is way over that age.

And his peers would find this totally creepy.

[mrslady]

Definitely too old for the parental bed. The only time it is even remotely appropriate at that age is if they are traumatised by something. But anyway, perhaps he feels afraid of puberty and hormonal changes? Or maybe he feels threatened by something.

If your wife won't listen perhaps you could write her a letter telling her your concerns?

Good luck friend :)

[CHeimes]

Have you spoken to your wife about this yet?  

My two cents:

He is too old to be sleeping in the bed w/ mommy.  You need to put your foot down though and tell your wife that if she allows that then you will sleep in another room.  
Now I know that's got to be hard to do, but I doubt you'll get her to leave the room and sleep somewhere else.
If you tolerate it then it will keep happening.  If you have to go to the extreme, don't sleep in the bed for several days or a week until she get's the picture.  

You also need to talk to her.  Calmly, respectfully and honestly.  Tell her how you feel.  If she starts to get angry and say's "too bad, it's my son and I'll do what I want", then end the converstation right there and leave the room or the house for awhile.

Most important thing: Put your foot down and don't let her keep doing this.  Sounds like she's running the show and you're just the by-standard.  It's a 50/50 relationship and right now it's her at 100%.  Don't stand for it.

Get that boy out of the bed once and for all!