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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
Wife/daughter problems with Russian 'daughter'
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
Wife/daughter problems with Russian 'daughter'
by Glasnost, Sep 20, 2004 12:00AM
I'm attempting to deal with an unusual situation and need some advice. Here it is...
Back in May 2002 a family friend who works for the local Child Welfare Dept. contacted my wife and I about a Russian immigrant mother and her two teenaged children who were 'on the street' with no place to go. He was wondering if we would volunteer our basement apartment for a couple of weeks until more suitable arrangements could be made for them. My wife and I readily agreed, as the apartment is nearly 2000 sq ft. and has its own amenities, entrance, etc. we were both thinking 'no problem.'
As time went, we begin to see some realities. The mother was basically a "mail order bride" whose situation went bad after coming to the U.S. Her "husband" was not the millionaire he made himself out to be and he was abusive to both her and the children. The mother spoke almost no English and had no marketable job skills. She was thus unable to earn ANY income. They simply did not possess the ability to economically survive in the U.S. without turning to illicit means of income.
Two weeks eventually turned into seven months, during which time I became very attached to the two kids as their 'father' figure. Back in Vilnius, their natural father had deserted them 12 years earlier so they have never know a 'dad' at home. My wife did not share this attachment as the kids already had a mother and did not need two mothers. I helped them with their homework, cultural/social issues, allowances, etc. The kids came to me for almost every need they had.
The problems began to spiral out of control when my daughter (I'll call her Sk) and the Russian girl (K) begin to have what seems to be sibling rivalry. I am very close to (Sk) and she feels that (K) has invaded her space and wants to 'steel' her dad. My son (St), and the Russian boy (A) have gotten along beautifully and they are best of friends even though (A) has since started college. (K) is now in the 11th grade and my daughter (Sk) is in the 10th. The feud between them seems to have no end. Now my wife has jumped on the side of my daughter, against (K), and made the situation worse. The males in this whole deal get along well, but the females would scratch each other eyes out if possible.
For the past few months the Russians have been living in a house down the street. I still must totally support them economically and will continue to do so until (K) graduates and moves to college. At that time I plan on slowly discontinuing my support for the mother to let her go her own way in life. I have come to love (A) and (K) like they were my own (which may be part of the problem.) I could never turn my back on them any more than I can my own natural kids.
Is there anything I can do to ease tensions among my wife, daughter and (K)? Or, should I just accept this behavior and go into survival mode?
Back in May 2002 a family friend who works for the local Child Welfare Dept. contacted my wife and I about a Russian immigrant mother and her two teenaged children who were 'on the street' with no place to go. He was wondering if we would volunteer our basement apartment for a couple of weeks until more suitable arrangements could be made for them. My wife and I readily agreed, as the apartment is nearly 2000 sq ft. and has its own amenities, entrance, etc. we were both thinking 'no problem.'
As time went, we begin to see some realities. The mother was basically a "mail order bride" whose situation went bad after coming to the U.S. Her "husband" was not the millionaire he made himself out to be and he was abusive to both her and the children. The mother spoke almost no English and had no marketable job skills. She was thus unable to earn ANY income. They simply did not possess the ability to economically survive in the U.S. without turning to illicit means of income.
Two weeks eventually turned into seven months, during which time I became very attached to the two kids as their 'father' figure. Back in Vilnius, their natural father had deserted them 12 years earlier so they have never know a 'dad' at home. My wife did not share this attachment as the kids already had a mother and did not need two mothers. I helped them with their homework, cultural/social issues, allowances, etc. The kids came to me for almost every need they had.
The problems began to spiral out of control when my daughter (I'll call her Sk) and the Russian girl (K) begin to have what seems to be sibling rivalry. I am very close to (Sk) and she feels that (K) has invaded her space and wants to 'steel' her dad. My son (St), and the Russian boy (A) have gotten along beautifully and they are best of friends even though (A) has since started college. (K) is now in the 11th grade and my daughter (Sk) is in the 10th. The feud between them seems to have no end. Now my wife has jumped on the side of my daughter, against (K), and made the situation worse. The males in this whole deal get along well, but the females would scratch each other eyes out if possible.
For the past few months the Russians have been living in a house down the street. I still must totally support them economically and will continue to do so until (K) graduates and moves to college. At that time I plan on slowly discontinuing my support for the mother to let her go her own way in life. I have come to love (A) and (K) like they were my own (which may be part of the problem.) I could never turn my back on them any more than I can my own natural kids.
Is there anything I can do to ease tensions among my wife, daughter and (K)? Or, should I just accept this behavior and go into survival mode?
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Sep 21, 2004 12:00AM
, Sep 21, 2004 12:00AM
What began as a gesture of good will and a real-life example of the Golden Rule has evolved into a family conflict. This occurred, in part, because the original understanding between you and the social service people didn't hold, and the original arrangement evolved into something entirely different. The family became surrogate members of your family, and it is understndable that your wife and daughter might not act in a magnanimous fashion. Is is important to recognize the legitimacy of your wife's and your daughter's point of view. It's not as if there's a right or a wrong about this. It would be prudent for you and your wife to arrange a few sessions with a couples counselor to address this conflict so it doesn't evolve into something more troublesome than it already has.
