Worried about 4 year old daughter and my sanity.

My question is two-fold.

1.  We've just had a new baby, and my child has reverted.  She's four.  She cries over everything, has started throwing things again, and doesn't listen to even the simplest requests.  We've tried everything....special time, ignoring the bad behavior (which is hard considering how bad it can be), and punishing the poor behavior.  It still continues.  I'm scared to ignore the bad behavior for long because I am already getting the feeling that she thinks what she's doing is acceptable.  Help!  Is there anything else I can do??  I'm at the end of my patience.

2.  Is it normal for a four year old not to understand the question "why?".  I ask her any 'why' question and I get a repeated version of my question. (ex. "why are you crying??".  Answer- "I'm crying because I'm crying")  This is VERY frustrating, and doesn't help the above situations.  I want to make it better, but I don't know where to start when I don't even know what the problem is.

To add to these problems, my husband is navy, and spends a lot of time away from home.  I'm a full time online student as well.  So after this, with the baby crying, and my 4 year old with her antics, I'm afraid I'm just not thinking straight anymore.  Anyone in/had a similar situation??

[bip]

When My second son was a baby and at the time my older son was 5 he was like thar after I had my baby he was acting different. I don't know if she's acting different cause she's jealous and she doesn't think you are spending too much time with the baby. Im sure it's hard to cause your husband is in the navy. When the baby takes a nap tell your daughter it's mom and daughter time. Try to do things just her and you. I know it's hard. I was just giving you my advise cause my older son was acting different when I had my second son. Does that make sense? He wouldn't tell me what was wrong he was just acting different.

Good Luck!!!

[Raine9]

I posted a question on 6/06 asking for tips on how to deal with my 3 year old. It's titled "Tips for making 3 year old feel included"  I also had a baby a year ago and my daughter has been hard to handle.  I think it's a huge adjustment for parents and children when a new little person enters into the equation.  

I don't know how much help I could be since I am struggling myself.  However, when our daughter acts up, we do not ignore the behavior and we do not let her get away with it.  She seems to get it after awhile and discontinues the behavior.  We send her to her room, give her time outs, etc.  However, it's important that after the punishment, we talk with her and make sure she understands precisely what she did wrong.  She repeats the behavior, so we have to go through it all over again. Eventually, however, she improves.  Hopefully, someone else on this forum can offer you more advice on this matter.

My daughter is the same way with the "why" questions. I don't think they understand what that means at this age.  So don't worry, you're not alone on this one.  

I feel for you.  It's appears you have your plate full.  Is there any way you can put off your studies until your baby is a little older and your daughter has adjusted?  Maybe what your daughter needs right now is some of your full and undivided attention.  

I sincerely hope you'll get the answers that you need. I really empathize and sympathize with your situation.  Good luck.  

[nicmic]

I wish that I could take a break from my studies, but I used all those up with my four year old (I have loans), besides, that is the least of my worries.  I don't sit down at the computer until after Katie (4) goes to bed.  I'm a night owl, so life goes on.  
Katie gets a lot of attention...just usually not dedicated.  My infant is very young and at that stage where she'll happily sleep and nurse on me all day, and raise 7 types of hell if she's not, so I don't get much time alone to give Katie.  However, my husband and I plan many family days out arranged around her likes when he's home.  The problem is, that's when her acting up reaches unheard of levels (I am one of THOSE parents in the store).  We give her chances, inform her of the consquences (which usually means leaving whatever we're doing), and then carry them out.  We are pretty consistent.  Frustrated is a well used word in our house these days.

[Cleveland Mom]

4 year olds cannot answer "why" and "how" questions, generally speaking these types of questions are just too abstract.  Some behavior you should ignore, yes whining is one.  Other behaviors like throwing things need a consequence like a time-out, 4 minutes for a 4 year old (1 minute for every year old the child is).  If you are consistent you can modify the problem behavior.  You need to set up some rules in your house for your child.  Start by working on 2 behaviors, throwing, yelling.  Tell her the new rules and tell her that she will go to time out if she breaks them.  Be consistent and you'll see a change.  Best wishes...

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I agree with Cleveland Mom.  Lay out the rules, define the punishments and stick to it.  This will take time to get over.  

Relax, her behaviour, while normal is typical to the age and the situation.

[nat476]

I have 4 granddaughters, 6 yrs, 4yrs, 2yrs and 4 months.  Our 4 year old is giving me  sadness.  she cries over everything!  Didn't pick the right craft for her, she wanted plain not chocolate, she wanted chocolate not plain, she is not hungry, she is hungry.The list goes on.  She is diciplined lots with time out,going to her room till she settles, talking.  Nothing works trust me I even thought I could help, but nothing.  
Any ideas on what we can do.
She seems much better one on one but if it is any one of the other children or anyone this behavour begins.  Also she gets along with the other girls, most of the time.
Help me please, any ideas??

[lookin4answer]

my daughter is 4 and 1/2 and my son is 8 months old.  she adapted very well to having a little brother.  Before he was born I told her how she was going to have an important job of being a BIG sister.  I would tell her that mommy was going to need her help taking care of him.  I really didn't need her help, I just wanted her to feel important/special.  Once the baby came I would have her help me do little things and would praise her by telling her what a wonderful big sister she was.

It's nice for you to have that mother-daughter time but I think just by including her with the things you do w/ the baby is important and may help. Some examples: filling up the bottle, holding the bottle while you feed baby, getting a diaper for you, playing peek-a-boo with baby, dressing baby.  Obviously the baby needs most of the attention so including her with the littlest things and I'm sure she will feel special.  It will allow you to interact with both at the same time.

I also started to have my 4 year old do things for herself.  I have a special container for milk and one for cereal so that she is able to do it herself.  I also have snacks in teh cabinet and fridge for her so that he can get them herself.  I've taught her that she needs to ask before she gets it. She gets excited to do things for herself and I remind her that she is a big girl.  So when she starts whining like a baby, I tell her "I thought you were a big girl? Big girls dont wine like a baby".  She usualy stops.  I think it's just a matter of reminding sometimes.