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Worried about my 4 year old daughter
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Worried about my 4 year old daughter

My 4year old daughter is out of control!!!!!!! I can't seem to get a handle on her.. Sometimes she's really rude. She swears not often but she does.. She talks to herself. I love my litte baby she is a great kid, very loving, very maternal, extremly affectionate.. Some of the things she does I hope are normal, My mother tells me that alot of it is normal.. But being this childs mother i know there is something underlying there.. My daughters temper is uncontrollable.. Allthough i have browsed some of the child behavior subjects and some of them explain my daughter to the t. Others have it much worse. My daughter has an undrainable ammount of energy.. She starts at 6am and does not stop until 8-9 pm. She sings constantly. Which I don't mind but at times i can't hack it.. She loves music and i hope that one day she takes it up.. But I feel like I can't take her anywhere she's forever loud, if i go into a clothing store she's running under the racks... playing hide and seek to the point i get scared because i can't find her.. She's very quick. When at home she's worse, If i tell her to do something she wont, she refuses, she will be playing with toys and gets mad and makes this growling noise, clenches her fists and screams and throws things and yells at her toys tells me to shut up.. I do however spank her when she is due.. She is distructive, she breaks everything, i don't think any of her toys are intact. She has had the crayons and markers taken away indefinetly till she gets older because my walls have become her personal mural.
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158812_tn?1189759426
First, I would try more sleep.  She may be stimulating herself as a result of being tired.  Have you ever seen a toddler banging his head on the wall?  Young children love to resist sleep, and instead they will 'wire themselves up' instead of resting.  If actual bed time doesn't get sooner, than have more alone, quiet time in her room that is resting.

The store problem:  Give her choices to suit her independence, AND YOUR NEEDS.  Tell her that she may walk next to your cart like a big girl OR be buckled up in the cart (like the babies)  If she won't ACT like a BIG girl, she will not be treated like a big girl.  The problem:  you have to be READY AND WILLING to leave the store if she cannot control herself.  If you actually leave the store based on her behavior, she WILL GET IT, and it may take once or twice, BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT....

Teach her how to control herself.  When she gets 'worked up', GET DOWN FACE TO FACE WITH HER, AND tell her 'I cannot understand you when you are screaming and crying.  I cannot help you unless you CALM DOWN, because I don't even know what you are saying'.  

Walk her through 'calming down'.  Talk her through it for instance:  I cannot help you until you are calm, (then speak very quietly) say "I will help you calm down, take a breath, your doing well", and so on.  As soon as she begins to calm herself down, make sure to say "your doing it, your calming yourself down". Ask her if she is calm now, and then tell her to tell you what she needs.  And make sure to reiterate "I can understand and help you now that you are calm".  Even if you DO understand her when she is acting out, pretend you do not, and refuse to help if she doesn't control herself....again, until she is CALM.  Focus on being CALM...SHE HAS TO LEARN THIS.

Sometimes they need to be alone in order to regain control of themselves.  I tell my children that the way they are acting is NOT OK, and they may not be around the family unless they will treat us respectfully.  I send them to their room with the door open, and tell them they may come out when they are calm.  This forces them to calm themselves down quickly, because they want to get out of their room.  

The same things go for toys.  If toys will not be played with in a respectable manner, they will be taken.  When my 3 and a half year old son won't stop banging his remote control car against the wall after being corrected, IT IS GONE UNTIL THE NEXT DAY...I usually throw it in the garage or put it on top of the fridge.

When my 4 year old daughter won't help, I give her two choices:  You may wash your hands and get ready for dinner, or you may leave the kitchen while the rest of us eat dinner.  So, she'll flip her hair and walk away.  You bet, we sit down and eat dinner without her.  2 minutes into dinner, she's peaking into the kitchen saying 'I want to eat with you'.  I say go wash your hands and we'll see you for dinner.  And I win, very easily.

My son likes to climb out of the bathtub on his own.  I CAN'T STAND IT when he refuses to get out.  I simply state, IF you don't get out on 3, your not climbing out, I will pick you up and get you out myself.  He's out on 3 every time.  Only becasue in the past, I had to pick him up and get him out.  He wanted to get BACK in the tub, and do it over again. Nope.  I closed and locked the bathroom door.  

Remember to focus on this:  Tell your child what to DO, not what they SHOULDN'T do.  When they hear 'don't do that', it doesn't help them in deciding what to DO.  Don't tell her not to run off in the store, instead tell her to stay close to you so you can keep her safe.  When all else fails, I use SAFETY as my 'reason' for things.  

We teach children to walk, and practice their words, but for some reason, we EXPECT them to behave socially on their own.  That doens't happen, they must be TAUGHT to behave in social situations....they will not behave appropriately 'by nature'.  And the funny thing is: they would walk and talk by nature whether or not we teach them!

I'm sure that I have told you some things you already know, but hopefully I have let you in on some things that you didn't.  Hope I helped, but it's tought to do it online....good luck.  I have a 3 and 4 (almost 5)year olds...and I have been there. I have learned to have no tolerance for disrespectful or outrageous behavior.  

I have walked out of the grocery store and left my FULL CART to ensure that I HAD CONTROL, NOT THEM.  I have walked out of church in the middle of mass, and left a birthday party too.  THEY BELIEVE ME NOW.  GOOD LUCK!!
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Avatar_n_tn
whoa.....That is  great advice!!!
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158812_tn?1189759426
Thanks, it took a long time!  I wish the original post would respond....
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi Guys,
There is some great advice.  Can any of you shine some light on my nearly three year old daughter.  She wont eat i have taken her to the doctor had tests done and all is fine with her.
When i offer dinner she plays with it eats maybe the patotes and then leaves the rest.  The same with most meals picks at things.  She looks at me to see if i am looking and when i ingore her she starts to scream.

Please help.

Thanks.
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Avatar_n_tn
thank you for taking the time to respond to the other writer. This is exactly how I deal with my daughters 1 and 3 yrs. Am having a wobble of frustration with the eldest at the moment but reading your post has reassured me that i am doing the right thing in being consistently tough in not accepting her challenging behaviour. She is a darling with everyone else and I am very pround of her hence the reason no one understands or believes me when I say she can be a nightmare at home. I guess as her primary carer it is just natural she will push the boundries with me.
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