Would like some insite stepparents or parents who remarry (my child is 5)

[Unitedandstrong]

I’m just going to lay it out there since I only have so long to type.  My Ex and I separated in June of 05, since then I am engaged to an awesome woman.  My 5 year old son and she have never really hit it off, but since she has moved in things have become worse.  Her and I have an almost perfect relationship Monday through Wednesday, but when my son comes on Thursday night it all goes to ****.  He’s not the best kid in the world but he’s my son.  Just last night he woke crying wanting me to sleep with him.  So this morning I was confronted with her stating she was tired of him crying until he gets his way and wants to move out.  I ran to the store for a couple of minutes and when I got back he was sitting on the couch and she was on the other.  He told me “Dad I was good while you were gone” and she replied with “I don’t even know why you’re in this room.  I’m still mad at you”.  And wouldn’t talk to him the rest of the day.  As soon as he left for the night, since its Sunday, my fiancée acted perfectly normal again.  I can’t choose her over my son, but I don’t want to lose her.  She use to by him gifts and want us all to go out, but that somehow has changed over the last month.  I also know that this is killing my son because he hears her response, and I know that it’s killing her because he does some of it on purpose to get my attention (which I always give him, I think he’s jealous)  So help me out, because I have know Idea how to handle him throwing fits until he gets what he wants and her throwing fits either.  Thanks to all of you who read.  I have been tore up about this all day.

[Unitedandstrong]

I want to add something to this.  My sons mother very rarley has anything to do with him (that's why I so want this family to work).  I'm not saying she doesn't love him, just must have other things going.  So the times he's not with me he's either with my parents or with her's (normally Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday) So When he comes back to me on Thursday he's been spoiled by the GrandParents for the last three days.  It makes it hard to control his behavior becuase he's use to getting what he wants.  That's why I understand My fiancee's frustration.  I'm not trying to make her out as the bad person, but I also can't continue to here her make comments out loud about him when he can hear what she's saying.  i just feel like they both need me to be with them every moment and neither wants to share.

[socgirl]

try going to family therapy...a therapist can help you and your fiance work with your son's behavior of crying when he doesn't get his way and also coach you, your fiance, and your son on communication skills, etc that hopefull can help you all get along as a family

[tomel]

Coming from a broken home and having a step mother who was jealous, selfish and childish. I lived with my mother and never saw my dad because of his wife and how he treated us over her. My brother and I didnt talk to him for years when I was growing up.  
You need to nip it in the bud now and make sure she is gona treat your son like her own.
If not, your future may be a son who grows up hating you and her and never speaking to you, unless that doesnt matter to you.
I agree therapy is a good first step.

[meikman]

My son was 6 when I married my husband.  At first everything was great.  He was so good to him.  Then my son would say I don't want to stay here.  I told my husband (this was actually before we married) that my son and I would start staying at my house again.  He then put my son on the spot.  He said don't you want to stay here and my son buckel and said yes.  I regret this so much.  I should have said no you can't do this to my son.  Long story short and 3 additional children I absolutely hate my life and despise my husband.  I feel as if he has ruined my sons life.

If I had it to do all other again I would first and formost make my son and his feeling the most important thing in this situation.  What happened was I lost my husband anyways along with my sons childhood.  I should have just let him go.  Now I am in a situation where I can't just leave.  Bad health, no job, haven't work in 7 years.

I would make a rule that I or in your case that you are the that is in controll of your son.  Your fiance is an addition to your childs life and should respect her as such.  Its hard for a child to have 5 years of parent-child relationship and someone new come in and try to take that role.  I wish I would have made sure that my husband respect my son as a child.

I wouldn't have a co-living situation until your son is comfortable with his role in the new family and without counseling.  You might see an inprovement in your son although your fiance may not like it but remember you are putting your son best interest in front and your fiance if she is as great as you say should except this.  I feel that counseling is a must with any step family before it becomes just that.  Find someone who specializes in step families.  If you go on with the relationship as is you just might end up hating your fiance wishing you had never meet her hence losing her in the long run with a lot of bad feelings.

[RockRose]

I don't know why you say she's awesome.  She might be beautiful,  I guess.

She's in competition with a 5 year old little boy.  Soon,   you'll have a baby with her and that person will also be in competition with your little son.

She sounds petty and petulant to me.  I'd read her the riot act,  and if she doesn't at least put on a good act of liking your son,  she's out of there.

You sound like the kind of guy who could easily catch  woman who actuall IS awesome.

[socgirl]

ok...you say " I can't choose her over my son...I don't want to lose her"  Well, you're absolutely right...you can't chose her over your son...your son comes first.  It's not a choice, it's just the way it is.  Rockrose is right, i think it may only get worse if you have a baby with her, etc.....she sounds like she's jealous of your son, which i'm sorry to say, is really sad.  Think really hard about this before you make a decision to marry her.

[jd1419]

Is it possible that you can have your son full time--everyday if his mom is not around.  That way you can establish a good set of ground rules and he won't feel he is competeing for your attention.  alos if he is inculded in your new family and all three of you sit down and have a good talk about what is acceptable behavior for all people inthe household it might help a little.  If your fiance is as good as you say she is--then she will not have a problem with you having your son all the time and will be willing to accept her part in all this.  If she is not willing then maybe she is not the one you should be with.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Do not marry this woman until you work this out.  Perhaps you should get counselling.

Your son is a baby, a wee lad who needs to be surrounded by love and guidance, not a jealous immature woman.

Your son is your first priority.  You brought him in to this world, he had no say in the matter.  He needs to be protected.

[Unitedandstrong]

Thanks to all who commented, but I really want to know a step mom's idea.  As far as the person who contacted about keeping him everyday, I'm, a union carpenter who travels, so this is not going to be feasible.  You all sound like great people.  And I appreciate your input. but I don't won't to lose anyone (god above knows this happened to me), just really wish I had a way of putting all the pieces in one basket.  She might be childish, but she's a heck of a lot better than his actual mother.  I've seen her with him, She can do a lot more than anyone else I've seen.  I just don't get why she all the sudden wishes to keep him out of our loop.  It might be my fault, how can I keep him from crying 24 7 when he doesn't get his way.  I think I'm a good dad and a good provider, but maybe I'm missing something.

[meikman]

I would like to add that if there is a personality conflict going with your fiance and your son you defiently don't want to put your son in a situation like that.  An adult may be able to handle it but not usually when it comes to a child but don't expect your son to handle it-it will only harm him.  Find out what is going on with your fiance.  Does she just not like your son, is she jealous?

[Unitedandstrong]

meikman,  Can you give me your Email, I would like to talk more about your situation.  Thanks to all.  I think I have a good Idea of what i need to do.  It's really nice to have an outsiders opinion.

[Michele71]

I am a stepmom who absolutely adores my stepson.  He is first in our life!  We don't have any children of our own, but that wouldn't change how I feel about my stepson.  Yes we have our disagreements, but what parent and child don't?  

Reading your post, the first thing that I wanted to point out is that your son will continue to cry until he gets what he wants as long as you continue to give him what he wants!!!  Children need discipline, rules and structure... along with fun and games and laughter and silliness.  Although grandma and grandpa might let him get away with whatever he wants, and give into him when he throws a fit, that doesn't mean that you have to follow that bad example.

Look at it this way... when your child goes to school, is he allowed to act that way?  What about in a store?  At church? Daycare?  No matter what situation your child (or anybody) is in there are rules and guidelines that have to be followed.  That never goes away.  You need to teach your son the acceptable way to act when he is in your home.  Yes!  It will be tough and frustrating and no fun at all!  But, unless you get a handle on his behavior now, it will only get worse with age.  

If you get strong and stick to your guns and set clear boundaries and rules (let your son help set up the rules and post them at his eye level) then within 2 weeks you will see a remarkable change in his behavior.  Next to your rule chart, post a reward chart and set small rewards for each day (or segment of a day) that he accomplishes the behavior you want him to.  It doesn't have to be big rewards.  Try having 'dad and me' time reading a book, make play-doh and play together, give him stickers, play a board game, go for a walk, etc.  Set a goal for each week.  If he reaches the goal, reward him with something bigger like a day at the park, snow sledding, a movie rental, etc.

I know it's hard, but let him cry and throw his fit.  Ignore the behavior.  Any response to it is just that... a repsonse and attention that he is seeking out.

My stepson was 2 1/2 when he came into my life.  His mother has a very different parenting style than his father and I do.  He has adjusted just fine.  We don't allow him to walk all over us and because of that he respects us and our rules.

Now, as far as the fiance goes, I agree with the rest.  You need to confront her on this situation and work together as a family to resolve whatever issue has come up in the last month to make her resent the situation she is in.  I could never imagine having a child and marrying somebody who does not love and care for that child as 'their own'.  If you don't believe she can do this, then please don't marry her.  Your son will be the only one to suffer.

I wish you the best of luck.  This is certainly not an easy situation for anyone to be in.  I hope that you can look deep within yourself and find the answers that you so desperately are looking for :)

[here4theinfo]

Hi, I am or was a stepmom to two children. They are currently at their mothers and we have no contact with them. My boyfriend a the time had custody of his two children and I raised them for two years before they went to their mothers.What does seem to be going on is a power struggle. Your son wants your attention and feels he does not need another mom, and your fiance needs your attention too. I understand you work alot, my now husband does too. When he was at work, I stayed home because combined we had four kids. I did homework, dealt with disipline issues, made them follow rules, and did other motherly things. His daughter was always a problem, everyday she would do "bad" things on purpose and get in trouble. Examples were hitting,screaming,not listening,misbehaving at school,refusing to clean up etc. the list goes on. She was 4 when I arrived and 6 when she left. It was pure hell, the other children acted right and when they didnt all I had to do was talk to them, sometimes put them in their room. She on the other hand was out of control. My husband, because he worked so much, would do nothing about the problems and get mad at me because daily I would tell him of a new problem. We allmost did not work out.His daughter would of course tell her dad I was mean to her or that he didnt love her because he worked all the time, or that I wasnt her mom so why should she listen, and boy did she put on the "good" child act when he was around. I call it plan ol butt kissing to get her way, she was very spoiled and threw nasty tantrums if she did not get her way. What I suggest to you is the same thing I suggested to my boyfriend/husband, but he didn't listen, seeing how you really want this family to work, you are going to have to be the "tough" guy. First, you need to explain to your son that this is a woman you love, and it doesn't matter whether he wants a "mother" or not, she's not their to replace his mother, shes their to love the both of you. If he is having "bad" behavior with her and not you, thats what kids do to get thier attention. You need to explain to him that if he is going to misbehave with her, you will punish him when your home, whatever it be, and he will not get to do anything with the both of you until he "straightens" out. That will also help you to have private time with your fiance, and it will show him that he has to behave so you can do things together.I had so many problems going anywhere with my husbands daughter with and without him because of her bad behavior, and mind you, I had three other kids that would start to "follow" in her footsteps. Next you need to talk to your fiance, she is getting stressed out and probaly feels you don't correct your sons problems or take an assertive action regarding his behavior. Both of them are acting negatively, he behaves bad, she gets upset and behaves bad, making you think bad.You will need to reinforce your love to her and ask her to help you by being a stronger man in correcting these behaviors. Yes, I understand this stresses you out, its the same thing that my husband said, and we were very close to breaking up. You work alot, but if you want to have both your son and your wife, you have to do it together. It is ok to be in love with children, and the child needs to know that as well. Ask her to tell you when there is a problem right away, both of you make a list to help correct his behaviors, also make a list of positive things he/you guys get to do when he does behave,example: today if you behave you get a sticker, and when you get 5 stickers we can all go together to McDonalds.Or if you misbehave, you have to go to your room while me and fiance watch a movie, then sit down together and explain to your son that you are a family, and family works together, no one person gets more attention, and those who break the rules, will get punished and will not do family things. Your fiances attitude will just get worse until you can figure things out together! Some of the other comments say to take extra time or the day to spend with your son,what spoil the rod spare the child?? That is like a punishment to your fiance,  when your married, are you going to always have to take time with each one of them seperatly? Or the comment about making your child make decisions want to stay home and have pizza or got to McDonalds, that is absurb, your child is to young to have to "choose" and of course he wants to be with you because he feels like he doesnt have enough time with you, is your fiance really going to go to McDs? No, she will have to leave your house, and everyone but your son that just got his way, will be misearable. Children do not need to get their way all the time, it will just create problems of selfishness and irresponsiblity when they grow up. People suggested that to us too, and all it did was cause more problems, because if my husband took his daughter out, she would come back, act spoiled, then start hitting the other kids, or bragging that she got all kinds of ****, and they didnt get anything, which in turn hurt their feelings. When I took my kids out alone, the other kids would just cause problems because they were jealous.It was a lot better if we could correct the behaviors and go out as a unit. I am about not rewarding bad behavior, it only creates more bad behavior. People need to understand that when a child is grown, they leave embarking on their own life, you,like many other people, want love, and you can have it now, you dont have to "wait" until your child is grown, this will cause you to have your own resentment. When you are a family, no matter if your blood or not, family is a unit. Its very simple, take the extra time now, correct your childs behavior, ask your ex if she can help by setting up a schuedule similar to your own so your child can get consistant disiplene/love and,tell your fiance that you will help her deal with him, even though right now it seems stressful, it will pay off in the end. She says things in front of him because shes trying to get someone to understand how shes feeling, if its not you, she has a right to let him understand that his misbehavior isn't secret or right, she thinks by saying it out loud, he will "think" about what hes done, and you, when hearing about it, will question the behavior and talk to your son about it with her. Think about it, you are divorced, have a child that is misbehaving and obvisiously trying to get all your attention, and shes stuck in the middle feeling like shes fighting with a kid for your attention too, trying to decide if this is what she wants too. If you are going to married and everyone happy, the problems need to be addressed or all of your lifes will be misearable.You can have what you want without having to make a choice. I have found love 3 times, and my children have transitioned through it with alittle help and explanation. I never choose to be divorced, but I did make the choice to find love, and with it, Ive helped them find and feel love. My husband is a changed man, he actively participates with my children and our baby, he helps to set structure without me asking, and when there is a huge problem, we discuss it normally instead of getting frustrated. His big thing with his own daughter, the one at the mothers, was that he favored her, she could blink an eye and he would give her what she wanted. He accused me of this many times with my own son, but my son had positive behavior, like the other two kids, so they got extras, they got to play outside, or go to their friends, or when we went out, get a chocolate milk. He could not stand punishing his daughter consistantly so she would always revert to bad behavior, and then want to get extras too. We allmost had her fixed, until her mom came back and manipulated them and told them that they didnt have to listen at our house etc. Anyways, sorry this is such a long answer, its not easy to be in the middle like everyone seems to be in your situation, but Ive been there too and it sucks. Just fix the problems and everything will work out. You can all be happy with alittle patience,structure,and love.Good Luck!!!

[ashley828]

I am a stepmom of a 10 year old girl. Her mother is in and out of her life and she actually signed my stepdaughter over to her mother as a legal guardian back when the child was 2, so she resides with her maternal grandmother with the unemployed, loser of a mother dropping in occasionally. When we first started dating everything was good. He had the every other weekend visitation and we jam packed it full of outings and family things together. Then when we got married, things took a turn for the worst. SD started making up lies about me, not wanting to come over anymore, not wanting to participate in any activities with me and my husband. When he wasnt around she and I got along great. When he was around she was BAD!!! which actually made me and my husband fight alot.

When she would leave, me and my husband would talk about the weekend and what went wrong and how to fix it but he just said 'she is being a normal child of a divided home' and 'it is her mother's influence not hers'(which I somewhat agree to). This made me feel like my feelings did not matter. And while I do know that SD comes first and I wouldnt have it any other way, it is MY house too, MY life and MY marriage that is being affected so me not having a say in her behavior is not an option.

We have been married for almost two years and it has just gotten worse. Now I am expecting a baby in February and now she doesnt want to come over at all. Her grandmother states that she does not like the baby (how do you not like someone who has not even taken a breath yet? and why is an adult condoning coments so ridiculous like that?) I wanted her there for the baby shower and her mother called and said that it wasnt a good idea (which affirms the idea that she is getting all of her negativity from the ex family). We did not make her go due to the fact that we didnt want to force the baby down her throught and run the risk of alienating her any more.

So in response while I do think that maybe the child needs more of your attention, so does your wife. She needs to feel like she matters and your son needs to come to terms with the fact that she is in your life and IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE! Alot of times they can sense that they are causing tention between parents and they like that and thrive on that with the hopes that you too will split up and it will go back to just being you and the child. You need to nip that in the bud.

However, I do think that your girlfriend, fiance or whatever needs to be patient and I know it is hard but negative comments are just showing the child that it is bothering you and they love that. There are some step families that just mesh well and have no problems but the majority have a lot of work, patience and consistancy to get them to work. She needs to realize too that she picked this relationship and a child comes with the territiory so if it is meant to be than it will all work out.
BUT YOU CANNOT CHOOSE ONE OR THE OTHER YOU NEED TO MAKE IT WORK WITH BOTH. Otherwise you might as well get used to being alone because the same instance will be with the next woman. He will just be older and come up with other shennanigans to practice.
Just remember...YOU AND SHE ARE THE ADULTS AND HE IS A 5 YEAR OLD CHILD. HE DOES NOT GET TO CHOOSE YOUR MATE, HE WILL HAVE THAT CHOICE IN 15 YEARS OR SO.  Good luck to you!

[91004]

If your son is not getting attention from his own mom then that is why he seeks it from you he feels that you will give him the attention. Your son should not have to deal with the stepmom acting that way towards him. To me also it sounds like a jealousy problem with her. She needs to understand he is your child and she needs to act more like a stepmom then a sister to him.

[91004]

Just wanted to add I dont think I could stay with someone that talked to my child that way

[imanaddict]

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it sounds as if your girlfriend is the one with the problem, not your son. SHE needs to get it together for your son, not the other way around. I am a stepmother to a 9 yr old boy who has ADD (he lives with us and sees his mother every other weekend) and I had found it hard to love him at first because he had done some pretty terrible things to my other kids, inappropriate things, not to mention his lying and deceptive behavior. I had to be the grown up and forgive and forget and once I did there was a noticeable change in his behavior for the better.

Your son is only 5 years old, of course he's going to act out sometimes, but it sounds as if some of his behavior problems are due to her lack of positive reinforcement toward him. He may feel she doesn't care about him and is acting out. When he does act out, he needs to be disciplined, make the punishment fit the crime, and be CONSISTENT! It  would probably be a good idea if your girlfriend and your son went on "dates" every now then so they can bond. If she continues to have some sort of "resentment" toward him, things are only going to get worse the older he gets, and could ruin your relationship with both of them.

You also might want to talk with the grandparents and let them know that you don't want them to "spoil" him rotten because of how he acts when he comes back home. You have a lot of work to do with everyone involved! I wish you luck!!

[imanaddict]

Oh man, I didn't realize how old this post is. Hopefully everything is okay by now!!

[Brooke050870]

My mother was not married to my real father and I had no relationship with him.  When I was almost 4, my mom got married.  Her husband never made an effort with me.  The whole time I was growing up, he was either indifferent or just plain mean.  I was afraid of him.  He was never there for me if I was hurt or upset, didn't ever ask me how my day was and didn't show any love, but he was ALWAYS ready to criticize, yell and spank.  Strange, isn't it?  My mom never did anything about it.  She stood by and let it happen, and even seemed to back him up.  To this day, whenever I mention it, her only answer is, "Well, I didn't know he was mean to you...I know that YOU didn't like HIM."  The point I am trying to make is, it is up to the ADULT in the situation to make things work.  In no way is this you son's responsibility.  Your fiancee sounds as childish as the 5-year-old.  I really hope that the three of you can go to therapy and try to work this out before you marry this woman.  Time alone is not going to make things better...trust me...and your son will end up hating you and resenting you.  Unfortunately, I speak from personal experience.