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a self destructive 16 year old
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a self destructive 16 year old

I have a 16 yr old daughter, am remarried and until she became sexually active had a great family dynamic.  i have been married for 5 years now.  we have had terrible problems with our daughter with an older boy she is sexually active with.  we have tried everything to end this, and have only enabled them to be more and more secretive.  our daughter has gone to social services on us everytime she is caught breaking the rules, the first 2 times it was investigated the allegations of abuse and found unfounded. it was documented by a social worker that she was manipulative and controlling and that it should be followed up. it wasnt.  my husband found a used condom on our kitchen floor behind the bin, and when confronted she did what she does best. ran to social services and the police, made charges and allegations of abuse, had both of us arrested and investigated.  the forensic doctor, the police and social services all said they did not believe her story and charges were dropped.  the damage is done though.  how can we let her back in when she is being so destructive to us, and to her self?  she is refusing to come home.  what do you do when a child has learned that there is reward for her behaviour by going to social services?  she has avoided any consequences for having the boy and having sex in our home while we were not at home, she is getting freedom to cause as much havoc where she is by doing what she does best, and is now free to see a boy who is over the legal age and intent on marrying our daughter?
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13167_tn?1327197724
I don't know.  Between seeking the advice of "Tough Love" and maybe contacting the young man and threatening to charge him with statutory rape,  probably the solution is somewhere in the middle.

For the time being,  do you know where she is,  and is she in a safe place?  This might be time to let her own mistakes.  She sounds very dangerous to you and your husband.
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Avatar_n_tn
yes, she has been voluntarily placed in a friends home.  we went the police route last year and were basically told that kids have sex and to learn some boundaries. additionally, we have landed on the boyfriends family front door and thought we had sorted the issue out, to only be charged with assault 3 days later.
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Avatar_n_tn
we live in ireland and am not sure if this is the same here. i am an american citizen though, and my sister lives in america who is willing to take her. my concern is what message is that sending her that she gets rewarded?
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373034_tn?1204157628
I would let her go.  It is not easy however she needs to learn somehow.  Good luck to you and your daughter.  Hopefully she learns before it is too late.  
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203342_tn?1328740807
I agree with the others. If you have a family member willing to take her in, let her go. She will learn that they also have house rules that she will have to abide by! This is not a reward. It's a fresh start for you and for your daughter.
My mom sent my brother to live with her sister (my aunt and uncle) for a year when he was around 15 because my mom couldn't control him and didn't know what to do. We also lived overseas at the time since my dad was in the military. My brother went back to the states and lived with my aunt and uncle for a year and actually literally blossomed under their care. I think it actually made my mom a bit jealous! My uncle was a cop though and didn't take any nonsense. It was actually a good situation for everyone. I hope your sister is prepared for this though and understands that your daughter can be manipulative so that she doesn't fall for her schemes. Your sister will need to have some house rules laid down before she comes and insist she abide by them if she wants to stay with her.
Like one of the other poster's said, we have to show tough love with our kids sometimes. It hurts us worse than it does them, let me tell you! But if we want them to take the high road and not the wrong path, we have to do what's necessary to save them or do what's best for them because at 16, no kid knows what's best for them. Someday, she will realize the sacrifices you've made and how much you love her. Try and keep your eye on the goal, which is to get your daughter better and keeping her, hopefully, from going down that wrong path. Someday she will thank you. Probably not now, though. :)
It's a hard decision, I know. I'll say a prayer for you and your daughter. Blessings.
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