adult son out of control

[stepmom1106]

My stepson (who I treat as and consider my own son)  is 22 yrs. old and has dropped out of college.  He worked at a local pizza establishment and rented his own house without any money.  His father and I have had to bail him out numerous times.  After allowing this to continue for about 1 yr., his father pulled some strings and got him a job within the same company he works for.  We moved him to his new location, set him up in his apartment and told him what he needed to do. (over a two year period we have handed out around $5000.00 for bad decisions).  He continues to over spend his checking account and does not pay his bills.  We co-signed for his car (monthly payment $200.00) with the understanding that if he fell behind we would take it.  We are now getting that they are starting collection procedures.  Once again we will have to bail him out (we do not want a repo vehicle reporting to our credit report) but our son does not care.m  He has said that he is doing whatever it takes to make him happy.  In his new job that his father got for him, he earns about $45000.00 a year, and has random drug testing.  So we do not believe that drugs are an issue, but are wondering if there could be deeper issues.  Our son is very intelligent and is a hard worker (at work) but with his life in general he comes across as lazy and irresponsible.  His apartment is disgusting and his hygeine (outside of work) is unacceptable.  As you know from the begining of this he is from a split home.  He lived with his mother and came to our house every other weekend and spent the summers with us.  When he was younger we tried to keep things the same at our house as his mothers.  He was not raised to be careless or with poor hygeine.  What can or should we do?


This discussion is related to 37 Year Old Son with No Ambition.

[LouisaF]

Truthfully I think you should just stop bailing him out. Just tell him won't and then really don't. Don't expect him to suddenly turn round and start doing everything you'd like him to, he'll still do what he wants to do but you don't have to bankroll it.

I went through the same sort of thing with my parents. I dropped out of college and moved back home. I did have a job but I was basically living off them and spending all my money on clothes etc. When they got sick of it and started charging me rent I moved out to s cheaper place. I still didn't go to college right away and I moved jobs a lot. To be honest though I was able for college but I didn't feel ready, I felt ready to be a bum and work an easy job and have an easy life. I did go to college eventually though, I'm a teacher now.

May be he really is happy as he is.

I mean you say he's a hard worker at work but lazy and irresponsible outside work. Maybe he'd say I work hard at work so when I get home I just want to relax and not worry. Maybe it makes him happy.

You should stop bailing him out with money though, it does no favours in the long run.

[prayingparent]

I can relate to you oh so very well.  My stepson whom I love very much is beyond our help (22years old).  He cannont hold down a job, he will lie, still and manipulate to get what he wants.  He has no empathy for anything wrong he does to others.  We have bought him 3 vehicles that he has either torn up, wrecked and traded and then ended up loosing the car on trade because he did not pay for it.  We have helped him find places to live only to get evicted because he will not pay his rent.  Will not pay bills, has two overdrawn checking accounts, has had license suspended because he did not pay a traffic ticket and when we got the letter in the mail that he had a warrant he denied it was his.  He is a pathological lier.  His hygeine is disgusting, He will go days without bathing, wears same clothes days one end.  When he does his laundry, I have actually caught him not even putting in laundry detergent.  His teeth are so bad it appears he is developing gengivitis and started noticing decay.  His own siblings can not tolerate him for long periods of time.  We will not allow him to live with us anymore.  He is staying with whomever will give him a couch for the night.  We have put him in Job Corp (got kicked out) a place called Jimmy Hale mission (got kicked out), Brother Bryans house for people who have no where to live (got kicked out).  He will drink and do marguana, but I dont feel he has a drug problem.  I have been doing research online and believe he has antsocial pesonaltiy disorder.  So our last ditch effort is to talk to him and try and convince him to get help.  I have learned they will put him into a residential setting for treatment.  Just pray he will accept help.

[margypops]

I see that he is simply living the way he wants to may not be your way but his lack of hygiene and slummy appartment doesnt affect you, now if you lend him money thats up to you,and if you bail him out possibly its time to stop all that, and then he will get a job, perhaps you are overly concerned, take a step back dont keep bailing him out and maybe it will change.

[babygirl6152]

hmmm- my son is 16, almost 17-- pays his cell phone bill, has a job- goes to school, pays for his own gas and has not had to be bailed out of even 1$ for poor decisions. He has never been overdrawn at the bank either and you will think I am joking but he has had a checking account since 7th grade-

I disagree- set the goals higher-

[RockRose]

Stepmom,  he's got some rough edges right now,  but if he's truly doing well at work,  looks presentable at work,   not doing drugs,  he's doing okay.  Not a sparkling success story,  but okay.  At the pizza place,  was he also a hard worker and respected,  and left on good terms?

I don't know the legal stuff about repossessing the car,  and what you can do at this point to make sure it doesn't go into default,  but you need to do that for yourself.  I don't know if this car was a really great one or whatever,  but he needs some kind of car to drive to work and run errands.  Can you take the car,  pay what is owed,  and sell it?  He could get by with a car that costs 2000 bucks or so,  but he needs a car.

If he weren't succeeding at work and laying around the house all day,  that would be different.  He sounds like he's marginal,  but okay.

Best wishes.  My guess is,  by the time he's 27 he will have it all together.

[babygirl6152]

This will be hard to swallow-

Is it the guilt of a broken home that makes you all keep bailing him out?
Do you tend to make excuses for him? Stop it! Does he play victim? Has he been playing victim since he was little? (someone else was always to blame for his poor decisions) the teacher, the other child, the boss, the other coworker- did he argue with you and manipulate you into seeing things his way when he was a teen?

Why would he act like an adult my friend?/ he doesn't have to.

I am guessing somewhere along the line he didn't learn self discipline- When we are young we accept discipline and are accountable because we know there will be a consequence> then we learn to self discipline- That is the goal for every parent to teach. You all have to have a long heart-felt once and for all chat with this MAN. I cannot believe his age and you are playing into this- Sorry I sound so harsh- but it's easy to see from this angle- If someone were telling you this story about THEIR GROWN CHILD you would be able to see it easily too!

From this end I can say- quit helping him- you are enabling him to keep right on walking all over you two. When a child turns 21 you owe them nothing more than a "howdy do"/ when a child is in a tight spot through no fault of their own lots of parents help out.... commendable

oh this will hurt so bad but you need to hear it although I think you already know it-

he is very smart
he is capable of making good decisions

Dad and stepmom have a decision to make- either you are fed up or you are not- when you ARE fed up with all this- both of you- you will use some tough love... My son did some of this at age 17- went to live with his daddy in San Antonio- etc etc - bad decisions- we laid down the law and stuck to it...... he is now a college graduate with a psychology degree and owns his own business......

Smart children test us to see how far they can go/
How far will you two go?

Read on the net about tough love-
You can help him with his attitude- it will be sink or swim and it will be hard at first.
When you told him when he was younger that there would be a consequence- did you follow through? Did mom?

You are helping him in the long run this way- even if you pay off the car and be done with that- I would say legally, morally, ethically you are finished- but you have to get dad on the same page