advice and help with my ten year old son with anger problems

[cassiecatherine]

i hope someone can give me some advice as im coming close to dispare.
my son aged ten is suffering from very bad and scarey anger outburts. hes a very bright child at school and never any problems in a school setting infact a model student! but when home with me or close family or friends he can either be loving and kind or totally the oppersit. sometimes he just turns for no reason without warning. this usually happens during family gatherings, parties, social events, even if people visit my house on a evening he gets angry about people been round.
some examples of his out burst are as today i put the boys to bed as usuall , watched a movie and cuddled for an hour. as i left and was down stairs i turned round to see him stood in the living roon.. i said go back to bed please its late and school tomorrow" he started to cry get very upset then it escaladed badly with him screaming and coming towards me, as i tried to hold him back and calm him down he was shouting "get of me"!! in a way as if i was really hurting him. i felt terrible as i know i wasnt hurting him and never would.he gets so angry that his hole apperence changes and its like he doesnt know what he is doing, nothing can start it off. sometimes i can see its going to happen, just by his expression, he stares right through me for long periods.  when im doing other things. like he is thinking about something then his anger comes out. we have always been a loving family and very close.
i really dont know what to do. he has always had this problem ever since he was around three-four years old. i went to the doctors a couple of years ago because i belived he could poss have A .S due to his very serious nature and not liking change, and getting very frustrated with issues but they did one test and said no, " its just the way he is" !! this was from the child mental health person. and never needed another appointment. to me this didnt help at all. if there is no mental health problem what could it be? i believe there is or he needs somesort of help even if its to help to deal with anger issues. please help.. thankyou cassie x

[cassiecatherine]

thankyou so much for your advice, i will following and try the suggestions you offered. its so nice to have someones help as id hit a dead end. iv always tried commnication with my son as often as possible but this may work well with him as hes a very logical child and may like the order that goes with it, and an easier way of expressing his anger to us all. thanks again ill give it a go :) xx

[specialmom]

First, I'm sorry that your evaluation was so dismissive.  That stinks.  When trying to help our children, we need the professionals to do their very best.  I think you could try somewhere else if you aren't satisfied with the answers that you got last time.

I'm going to go through something that is helpful for anger issues.  It is called a Stress Thermometer.  It is something that you can start off by helping your son with and eventually he can use it to monitor himself.  I find that kids with explosive anger feel just as terrible inside as they are acting on the outside.  He doesn't want to be like that.  He just can't stop or control it.  

Here is the stress thermometer idea-----------  so you will draw on a piece of paper a thermometer-----------  you know, the thing with the ball on the bottom and then straight up.  Then you will have him join you.  You'll have markers there and he will look at you like you have 5 eyes but just ignore that.  Tell him this is a stress thermometer that you and he can use to help him with feeling good vs. mad.  So have him color the bottom green. This is "Just Right".  This is where he wants to be---------- life is good, he feels fine, no issues.  Talk about what that feels like to him and what his body is doing.  Relaxed hands and face, smiling, right volume of voice, good feeling or a just fine feeling inside, etc.  Then have him color the next section yellow.  This is where he is becoming agitated.  Something has started to bother him.  This is where you see that shift in facial expression you describe.  Make him aware of this shift in case he isn't.  Talk to him about how HE feels when he is just starting to get upset.  Note body changes and how he feels changing.  His voice getting louder and faster speaking takes place, eyes squinting, hands no longer relaxed and fisting, etc.  The next section of the thermometer is orange.  This is where he is visibly mad.  He is raising his voice, he is breathing really fast and his heart is beating hard, everyone knows he is mad and about to blow.  The next section is RED and this is the top.  This is when it is at its worst.  He may go into fight or flight basic response mode and fight may be what he does.  He is in full tantrum, meltdown, raging mode.  
Whew--------- ya never want to get to red, right?

So, with this thermometer------------  he can also start to not what makes him move up the scale of being mad. What triggers him to leave just right green to yellow?  What can send him to red?  Get him thinking about this.  

And the point is to slow the whole process down and have him self monitor.  Then he can tell when he is leaving the stages of anger and feel like maybe he can stop the process.

So the next step is talking about what he can do at each stage to keep it from going to the next one.  When agitated, brainstorm about what he can do instead of going to orange.  Can he go for a calm down walk by himself?  Can he go punch the punching bag in the basement?  Can he write in a journal?  can he take deep breaths and count to 10?  Can he use his words to tell someone what is wrong to try and fix it?  So just work on some strategies to keep him from entering the next level of stress.  Staying at green is the ultimate goal because that is where you feel "just right".  It is motivating to think you might be able to control this and feel better.

You can give him cues in the beginning "you seem like you are getting yellow, what can we do to stay green?"  

Also, some kids do well with a walk but don't talk rule.  They can walk away and go for a walk, but they can't talk and you can't talk to them. Then they calm down and regroup.  

Okay, hope that helps!