aggressive behavior / effects re: child abandonment (x3)

My boyfriend has a 5 yr old son. We have raised him for the past 2.5 yrs until recently. He moved back with his mom about 7 months ago. His mom had another child who is around 3 months.His mother has deserted him on 3 seperate occasions. And unfortunately she was across the country and only spoke with the child via phone.
What are the effects (short and long term) re: this?  
    This child has just started kindergarten and is having severe difficulties. He has hit, choked, kicked, hid in bathrooms, left the school (went home) ect. This has been ongoing even with meetings between the mother / teacher.
  My question is, since my boyfriend and I are only "weekend"
parents, what can we do to effectively help this child with his behavior problems at school? ( we do have open communication with the teacher and encourage good behavior, limit some activities on the weekends when he's been "bad " at school)
    Please note, when the child first came to live with us, he did show aggressive behaviors. However, with a structured environment and about 3 months the child had exceptionally well behaviors. The mother has never provided a bedtime, discipline
ect. And she has continued to have problems with child in her home, but we do experience these.
  Sorry, to go into such great detail, but there is another issue
I'd like info on. The mother and her boyfriend are racists and they force these beliefs on this child. I do not want to confuse the child or give him the message that what his mom / boyfriend are "wrong / lying" but other than repeating that everyone is the same, what else can we do? The area we live in is predominately white, and I do have the child play with a biracial child (which they play like any other boys would). What concerns me is he so outspoken about it. He will speak randomly about black people "kill, steal, kidnap kids, and they're mean".
     I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE OUT THERE FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS AND GIVE ANY ADVICE. I HATE TO GO TO SUCH LENGTHS BUT THIS CHILD HAS BEEN THROUGH MORE HOMES AND PROBLEMS THAN I HAVE AND HE'S ONLY 5!!!!!!!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Amanda,

In order to develop in an optimal manner, children need the benefit of sound parenting during their early years. Inadequate parenting (including mutiple disruptions in the parent/child relationship) promote insecurity and a lack of trust and confidence that needs will be met. Such children 'learn' that dependence is threatening. They tend to behave in disorganized, angry and regressive ways, displaying behavior problems well beyond the normal spectrum.

From the sound of your note, it's not only the abandonments that have been a detriment to this little boy, but the quality of the day-to-day parenting (as evidenced by the intolerance you described).

All you can do is to be the most responsible parents you can be while you are taking care of the child. You've already seen the benefit of consistency and stability - that's what you can continue to offer, even though your time with him is limited.

To address the bigotry head on, it's OK to directly teach about the importance of respect for everyone, without at the same time denigrating his mother. You should be letting him know that it's not OK to treat people in a demeaning manner and to hold negative, stereotyped beliefs based solely on race or other characteristics. The little boy is in a togh situation, through no fault of his own. But it's important to be a source of strength and sensibility for him.

[amanda]

miscommunicated something in my post earlier,MY B-FRIEND AND I
DO NOT HAVE BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS AT OUR HOME THAT THE MOTHER EXPERIENCES IN HER HOME (BACKTALK, DEFIANCE, ECT)