anxious at 6

[cedarbug2]

my 6 yr daughter has anxiety.  Or thats what the Dr. tells me.  She is in 1st grade and is at the top of her class.  She is very smart and listens well, but is scared to do anything with out me.  She started kindergarten very well but slowly started resisting when i would take her to school.  Now it is 1 1/2  years later and it is continually getting worse.  She hides in our backyard in the morning or locks herself in the bathroom for up to 45 min at a time, she screams and kicks and bites and hits.. But every day i hold my head high and say "i love you, you need to go to school".. and its not just school.. she quit dance class and had to be physically pulled to her cinderella play that she requested to be in..i have tried seriously everything and NOTHING works.  today her doctor perscribed 12 mg of zoloft daily to ease her anxiety.  i agreed to it but after much thought.  my family doesn't like that i'm willing to try meds on her but i have no other direction to go.. ANY ADVICE IS GOOD ADVICE!!!

[jdtm]

I belong to a support group for teachers and parents of children suffering from anxiety.  Treatment for anxiety consists of intervention, therapy and/or medication.  We have found in our group that when we get to a point when nothing is working and there is no place else to turn, then and only then, we try medication.  Some of our children take SSRI's (and zoloft is one of the SSRI medications) as young as four years of age.  Our own child was taking Prozac at six years of age.

These SSRI's are not habit forming.  Seriously, what other choice do you have?  Anxiety , I believe, is an inherited trait and I assure you that your daughter will not outgrow it.  As you said yourself, "it is continually getting worse" and we see this often from children in our group whose parents do not believe in medication.  They usually quit the group and I know of one child who became agoraphobic after high school graduation.  I do not want this life for our child.

I believe the excess cortisol in the body which is caused by extreme stress and distress is far more harmful to a child than the SSRI medication.  If this medication does not work, you will know it by the side-effects within a month.  In our case, Prozac was not the correct medication - she is now on a third type of SSRI.  She is doing very well today, and possibly may be on this medication for the rest of her life.   Today, she leads a normal life with athletics, friends and school.  As for your daughter, what life does she have now?  And what do you want for her future?

[RockRose]

cedar - I don't know what's causing all this anxiety with girls.  I think some boys have it,  but it seems to really be on the rise with girls.  Between feeling like they can't make a mistake,  and fearing that they'll vomit,  girls seem to be in great distress.  I keep hearing this from mothers of girls I know.

The mothers of boys keep saying wow he sure is having a great time,  wish he'd try more with grades!  Mothers of girls say wow you have no idea how good you have it,  my daughter can't sleep,  can't eat,  can't function she's so stressed.

Best wishes.

[jdtm]

Many people do not comprehend the term "anxiety".  It is not nervousness or being anxious - it is be distressed to the point when one is "unable to function".  Children with severe anxiety may not be able to eat, speak or use the washroom when in a perceived stressful environment.  Our own child could not eat, speak, use the washroom, play or learn at school for approximately three years.  The extreme anxiety she felt literally "shut her down" while at home in her safe environment , one would never know there was a problem.  It took years of intervention, therapy and medication to get to the point where she is  able to function as a "normal" school child   Research today indicates anxiety is an "inherited" trait which I believe must come from both parents.  True anxiety is a rare disorder; being anxious and/or nervous is not what we're talking about in this posting.

The child described in the original posting is not as severe as our child but she does suffer from anxiety.  She did not cause it nor can she change it (as a child does not cause or change being a diabetic) - she will need help to "lessen the anxiety" so that she will be able to function in school and other social activities.  Sometimes the only way to do this is through medication (and the poster did say "NOTHING works").  I suspect we are not dealing with separation anxiety here but probably social phobia and/or GAD. Both of these disorders usually become more severe as the child ages.

To the original poster - please write if you would like more information.

[chapmanmum]

Hi, my daughter was the most anxious child at the age of 6. She has just turned 9 and just tonight over dinner we were discussing how far she has come. The whole of kinder she never once spoke to her teachers and that was in 2 years. Starting school I was worried. She was already reading and writing. Very intelligent but still wouldnt talk to adults and children she didnt know and even some she did. Mind you she was nothing like this at home. She wouldnt go to partys, or if I managed to get her there she would cry and not want to stay without me. This was so hard on me also, I couldnt understand it. She did dancing and dropped out because the only child she knew dropped out, this was a shame because she was so good at it. Grade 1 was pretty much the same. Grade 2 got a little better and now shes in grade 3 and talking in front of a class, joining in on class discussions and doing wonderfully. She has also started up swimming lessons (and this is a child that would never get in the pool before) and also has joined the school aerobics team. Im so proud of her. She still talks very quietly to adults she doesnt know but she will talk. Anyway I hope this is some help to you. I thought about giving my child counsilling but never meds. Although your case may be different. I remember being shy  and anxious as a child but I grew out of it.BEST OF LUCK!!

[jdtm]

Your daughter is similar to about half of the children represented in our anxiety support group.  When the child is able to continue making progress without medication, then this is the path to follow.  I expect that you probably did a lot of intervention without knowing it - accompanying your child to events, supporting her and praising her in efforts, socializing her through sports, conferencing with her teachers, play dates, etc. By the way, one never "outgrows" anxiety; one just learns how to "manage one's fears".  Unfortunately, some of our children need help in order to reach this level.  We do find; however, that puberty can cause an upheaval in hormonal levels in our pre-teens and you might want to be extra vigilant at this time in your daughter's life.  At that time you might need to consult a medical health professional who is experienced with childhood anxiety issues.

Often we are asked the difference between "shy" and "anxiety".  The difference is function - can the child perform correctly and relatively easily in the environment.  Your child suffered from anxiety as she was unable to speak at school (by the way, I suspect Selective Mutism is her disorder - you might want to check the best site on the internet - selectivemutism.org  for more information about this disorder).  I'm glad your daughter is doing well at school - what we have found from our group is that when our children reach the junior grades some of them start to have more difficulties  as we think some of the earlier learning (math concepts, inferences, social interactions) have not been mastered to the point we once thought.  We are beginning to think that many times during the school day our children just "shut down" and thus their learning is impeded.  Also, by the time our children reach middle school, we have noticed that the majority are quite immature due to the lack of socialization in their younger years.  Our children are just getting to the high school age so we do not have any data as of yet.  I say this not to upset you but to make you more aware of what might lie ahead.

Medication for some of our children only lasts for a few months.  The research seems to indicate that this is possible because the brain in "urged" to produce the missing chemical which allows our children to relax (and thus function) in perceived unsafe environments.  Our child is on a very low dose of  an SSRI medication; without it she still would be unable to function (but, as I said, she is a very severe case).  This is her ninth year at school and I believe this is the first year that she is able to learn in that environment.

I appreciate the opportunity to share this information - it is not a path that I chose, but one that was "forced" on us.  The information is constantly changing - in fact our group just finished working with medical personnel re research in this area.  Best wishes and if you feel that I might be able to help, please write.

[jdtm]

One more important point but of which we rarely speak - severe anxiety often results in the display of out-of-control frustrations and temper tantrums.  These usually occur in a "safe" place, as the home and can make living with this child almost unbearable.  If this is your child (and he/she is unable to control his behaviour - the correct term is self-regulate), then you will definitely need to see a mental health professional with experience in anxiety disorders.  Good luck

[chapmanmum]

Thanks you have made a lot of sense to me and I will be on the look out for her as I know she will probably suffer from anxiety later in life. Whether its hormonal or for some other reasons. Anyway good luck to all and thanks for your comments.

[cedarbug2]

we are now going on day 3 of the zoloft and "so far" no side effects!!  i am certainly a mother that would not put drugs in my kids for any reason if i didn't feeel it was my only option so watching for side effects is all i seem to do .  in response to the note about "taking her to school and walk away" I can't stress enough to anyone that this is our daily routine.. never have i dwelled on the fact she has a problem or babied her too much.. i hve been very fim with letting her know that it's ok to be sacred but that she must find a way to deal with it, yet still the anxiety worsens.  everything to be read, i know i havn't read all of it but hours and hours worth, and every thing to try we have tried for 1-2 mo at a time not just giving up after the 1st week of failure... the comment that has struck me with completely stone cold in my track was the one about "self regulate"... her tantrums are outragious and only at home or , of  course, while shopping.. she is an angel at school...
  Is there any thing else that can possibly be of any help when i go back for her check up.. i tnever thought to actually link the tantrums to any of this.. thank you soooo much.  
  this is the 1st time i have felt like my daughter and i are not in this alone....

[jdtm]

You are not alone - there are many of us with the same problem.  And many of us have families who just do not understand.  Our support group has helped me so much - you might ask if there is a support group for children suffering from anxiety in your area; but they are few and far between.  There is lots of information on the internet if you google "childhood anxiety".  There are also many books you can purchase or borrow from the library - "Keys to Parenting Your Anxious Child" by Katharina Manassis is a good one.

I applaud you for your efforts - you're doing great, and it will get better.  It takes a lot of patience and years of time, but it will get better.  Socializing is very important and many of our mothers take their children to the activities and sit on the sidelines.  One mother runs up and down the soccer field with her daughter; another sits on the bench with her daughter for an entire season.  We have a child in the choir who is too scared to sing or speak, but she stands with the other children.  You will be surprised how accepting everyone will be of your child when you say "she's very slow to warm up - it takes a long time for her" - there's no need to go into long explanations for casual acquaintances.  Often, we took our child to the park or the mall or McDonald's or church, etc. so that she would become more comfortable in social situations.  It was three years before she would play on a piece of equipment at the park if another child was there - her anxiety was very high.  But, we did it again and again and enlisted the help of many relatives whom she trusted.  It has paid off!

I would speak to the teacher - you might even ask your doctor if there is anything he feels the teacher should know.  Many times a medical health professional (as a child psychologist or speech pathologist) would go to the child's school and explain to the teacher and other staff members how to deal with this child appropriately.  This may not need to be the case with your daughter; but I would give the teacher some ideas on how to ease the anxiety with your daughter.  Ask your daughter - would a different desk be easier, or a friend sitting nearby, or how to use the bathroom, etc.  By the way, can she speak in school or use the bathroom or eat at school?  Many of our children are not able to do these things for quite some time.  Some of our parents stay at school for an hour in the morning and then arrive earlier in the afternoon, or arrive to eat lunch with the child.  This is to make the child feels safer.  I attended school every afternoon for a year with our child until she was able to better function.  Are you or any family member able to help in this way - but be aware, some of our children are only more anxious when family members are present so you will need to get your daughter's permission if you need to go this route.  If you decide to do this and the school refuses, then you enlist your doctor's help on this point.

The best route for SSRI's (which stands for selective serotonin reuptake inhibiters) is  "to go slow and low".  That means to use the lowest dose possible and increases should be very, very low.  Many medical people are not comfortable with giving this type of meds to children, we use a child psychiatrist only for this purpose.  We did have trouble with the Prozac but I think it was because the dose was increased too much too fast.  But not any more - without her SSRI, our child complains of stomach pains and feels grumpy.  Several of our parents with older children have had various blood testing when their children were on these meds, and so far, no negative effects have been found.  Research on these meds also have proven safe up to this point in time for children (with the exception of Paxil, so, stay away from that one).

You should see your daughter begin to sleep better - I expect she is also having sleep issues.  Part of this problem stems from being exhausted.  Anyway, good luck, and patience and best wishes...