autism or aspergers????? need some advice...please

[tixhe]

hi...i have a 3yr old boy...and for awhile reading others comments about autism has given me this knot in my stomach about my son. I would like to get others opinions and advice either to ease my mind or send him to a specialist. I've spoken to his pediatrician on several accounts and she says not to worry, but mothers intuition wont let me. He talks to me all day long, counts up to 20, knows his abc's, colors, shapes, animals, animal sounds, listen/dances/sings to music...etc once he is around ppl he doesnt know or is turned off is some way his social skills dissappear...he becomes quiet, shy and you're not able to get 1 word out of him. When he's around family he doesnt stop playing along and wanting to be apart of everything that is going on. Ex. yesterday we were at a family members b-day party, my son had recently woken from a nap before getting there...while the kids were all inside jumping around and playing my son was on the outside looking in, i mean at first i got a little uncomfortalbe because they were scaring him with masks,being loud and 1 child there always has a habit of biting/pushing/and hitting my son so then i thought that my son just didnt want to be apart of that. As the day progressed he was fine and played well with all of them. But it takes him a little time to get comfortable with his surroundings and the people around him. Maybe its his social skills that need work on, i dont know. I know kids who talk to complete strangers in stores...say hi...and say just about anything. Any time a stranger says anything to my son...he puts his head down and smiles...maybe he's just shy....A friend of mine who works with autistic kids was telling me how they dont like different textures on their hands (i.e.) sand, glue, dirt..etc. When she said that to me a light went on and i told her how my son hated the sand for a long time...and hates when his hands are dirty and constantly washes them after he eats or does anything. For awhile i thought he had ocd, because he like everything and i mean the smallest things in a particular way...his shoelaces couldnt hang out of his sneakers...that was a meltdown for him. his pj's had to be a certain length where they fell evenly with his wrists and ankles...and if they didnt my son would sit there and tug at them until he stretched them enough. I dont know..maybe to some of you this may sound silly or wonder why im even posting this as a concern....however i would like to know if anyone has any advice or suggestions or even someone that can relate in the slitest way as to what im saying...thanks!

[tixhe]

Thanks everyone for all the advice and suggestions...it really does help to know that someone (not a dr) has advice and gives it to you as a parent first. JDTM..wow that was alot to take it...but it was all good info. I just would like to say though that i take my son EVERYWHERE....i mean EVERYWHERE...i cannot stress that enough because my sister is shocked at that...because we know a couple of parents who have a heart attack when they have to take their child grocery shopping. I dont want  to get attacked for that comment...but since my husband works long hours, i dont always have that convinience. But he's ok in doing everyday things...food shoppping, mall, park, mcdonald's etc. But as soon as he gets uncomfortable by his surroundings...he shuts down. I know he's 3, but my sil daughter is 4...i personally hate when people compare kids (especially ones who are a yr. apart) But my MIL and SIL always compare wat they do and what she did and how more outgoing she is and how quiet he is and how he doesnt speak around strangers...and it pisses me off and i say to them every child is diff and they ARE A YEAR APART!!!....but they after awhile as a parent u sit there and in the back of your mind....wonder...well why does he act like that around kids he doesnt know...or pulls back and then a 40 min into a playgroup he's ok...and as far as me saying "he's shy"....thats the only conclusion i came to in the begining. When i started researching behavior..and join this group i began to learn and understand more. And i used to try to force him to do things..play with other kids....do activities..ETC...and then i saw the more I left him alone...the more he wanted to do them.... Thanks again to everyone...it helps talking to parents. Well i mean parents who actually CARE...if i told some of the people in my life they would get satisfaction out of it. Because my SIL relates my sons good behavior "maybe there is something wrong"...boys are never this quiet to attentive....but then again she's used to her hyperactive child that has NO BOUNDARIES...

[jdtm]

Sorry myenzoorka - but you are relatively new to this site.  Those on this site are aware of my expertise in this area.  As you will note, I did not use the term "social anxiety disorder".  This is not the same as "social anxiety".  As I stated, the difference between anxiety and shy is "function" and this child is not functioning in the social environment.  The only person who suggested about seeing a psychiatrist was you.  I suggested locating reading material and over-socialization.  The mother who posted does feel there is a problem and I responded to what she wrote.  You responded to what I did not write.  Sorry that I touched a nerve.

[myenzoorka]

Sorry, but I really feel the need to say something.  I disagree with jdtm.  A 3 year old child just waking from a nap will definitely take a while to get involved with loud, rowdy kids playing.  That's normal.  Being shy around people he doesn't know is normal - even if he tends to be outgoing around friends and family. These are NOT symptoms of social anxiety in a toddler.  Toddlers are still learning social skills, so even a lapse in social skills (that seem inherent to adults) is commonplace and normal.  There is a huge difference between being shy and having social anxiety - I've dealt with both.  Please, please educate yourself on the signs of social anxiety in children before subjecting your son to an evaluation by a psychiatrist.  

[jdtm]

I suspect your son is displaying signs of social anxiety.  You keep saying "he's just shy" but I feel that you think it is more than that.  The difference between "shy" and "anxiety" is function - is your son able to function in social environments.  From your description, it appears the answer is "no".  Anxiety is very common and very treatable and the best way to handle this situation in a young child is to desensitize him.  This simply means that you over-socialize him - take him to parks, the mall, McDonald's, church activities, grocery shopping, visits with friends and family, etc.  I know how your son will react - our child suffers from severe anxiety - and from your posting, it appears that your son is not nearly as severe as our child.  But, this is the best way to help him (and don't mention the fact that he is shy or expect results quickly).  In our case, it was several years before our child could mingle comfortably with peers as well as strangers.  But, it can and will happen if you are patient, persistent, and optimistic.

As for the OCD, OCD is one of the anxiety disorders.  However, from your description in the last few sentences, it appears that you are describing more sensory issues - common to sensory integration disorder.  These issues tend to be co-morbid with anxiety and tend to disappear when the anxiety is lessened.  You might wish to google this phrase "sensory integration disorder" to read more about this topic.  But I do not feel this is the main problem.

I might suggest you google the phrase "social anxiety and children" or "anxiety behaviors in children" or similar words/phrases to learn more about  this issue.  There are tons of books on this topic in bookstores, on-line or your local library.  Anxiety is not a "fun" issue but his fears/anxieties can be managed and conquered.  If you feel that I might be able to help, please write.  Things will get better.  All the best ...

[myenzoorka]

I'm in agreement with Sandman.  Sorry, but it does sound like your 3 year old is shy.  I doubt he needs to work on his social skills.  If you try to force him out of his shyness, that can actually be worse for him.  Be happy he is more wary of strangers than he is of you - that is a good thing!!  The problem with textures could be a sign of him being gifted - gifted children tend to have problems with textures which can even lend to picky eating habits (I know a lot of gifted people who can't stand mushrooms strictly because of their texture).  3 year olds often have issues with things being "just right", too.  It helps them deal with the other things in their lives that they want to control but can't.  None of your son's behavior sounds off kilter at all.  

[Sandman2]

  If you read posts on the autism forum from parents whose kids are 3 - they sound very differently than yours.  Your son is ONLY 3, he scares easy.  The world is a whole new big thing to him.  He is advanced academically.  He sounds like he is a very sharp kid.  I've got a feeling he is probably analyzing all that is going on around him.  Gently help him with his fears.  Love him, try to understand him.  I've got a feeling that he will have a bunch of surprises in store for you has he grows up.  Best wishes.