babysitting trouble

[olter]

I just started babysitting a 4 month old and a 3 year old. The mother does not want him punished. She says you have to be firm with him. I have tired everything that I can think of but he will not listen to me. The mother wants him to take naps but he will not lay down for me. He try talking nice, I try yelling, I try time out, but nothing works, all he does is laugh at me and get up anyway and do whatever it is he wans. He will try laying on top of the baby and will get in his face and yell at him. I have never taken care of a child like this. I feel drained all the time. I do not want to punish him or give up but I honestly do not know how to control him. I need advice ASAP. Thanks so much.

[Sandman2]

    The key to timeouts is that you have to be really consistent at them.  One min. per age is standard and don't talk to him during that time.  If he gets out of his chair, then he goes right back.  Set a timer and let him know when it dings he gets up.  I have seen reports that it takes about 3 weeks of consistent immediate reinforcement to change a behavior.  
   Of course, what is really helpful is if momma is on the same page and reinforcing things at home too.  A good book on timeouts is,  "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.
   Also think about putting the 4 month old into a stroller and taking the 3 year old to a park or some safe place where he can run around like crazy.  You will have a much better chance of him taking a nap after that.  And even if he doesn't nap, I think he will be better in your house.  
   Remember this is a kid that was the apple of his moms eye until the new one came along, and then bingo - a lot less time for the one who was number one.

[olter]

hi. I have taken care of children at all ages since I was 13. I am now 27, and I still love kids and I love this little boy. I am happy babysitting always have been. I have taken care of children with ADD, but this is the first time I haven't been able to connect with a child. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. I plan on talking to his mom tonight when she picks him up. As for the punishment part, I put that so no one who gives me advice would recommend that, I should have worded it differently. I myself do not punish children. The most I will do is a small time- out chair an I will have a talk with them. I just get really nervous because he will try to lay on top of his brother and yell in his face during tummy time. When I ask him not to he laughs and does it anyway. He will throw things at me and hit me, but I do not hit him AT ALL. The mother is ok with time- out and she did say to be firm with him. She does want him to take naps, but he won't nap for me.

I do not want to stop babysitting, I really enjoy it. I was just looking for some advice. Thank you for you advice.

[MarkLakewood3367]

My advice to you would be to stop baby sitting this child.  The discipline of this child is clearly not your responsibility.  This is the responsibility of the parents.  By disciplining the child, you hold yourself legally liable should something go wrong.  You do not want to be accused of any wrong doing.  Find another babysitting job with a child who is well behaved and stipulate to the parent that it isn't your responsibility to provide the discipline.  It sounds like to me that this parent is using you as the disciplinarian so that she doesn't have to.

[specialmom]

BTW, I'd let the mom that he is not wanting to take naps if you are planning on continuing this job and ask her for ideas of how to handle that.  

Kids as they hit three and four will resist naps and some without a huge need for sleep (all kids are different) actually give up naps at that age.  What I did if my kids struggled to sleep at a 'nap time' is I changed the name of it to quiet time.  They could look at books, do puzzles, play quietly in their room. If you babysit at his house, perhaps a quiet time would be more effective than nap time.  About half the time at least, my kids fell asleep during quiet time.  

Try not to make everything a huge power struggle and give him choices.  You control the choices so then he is doing what you want as he has a choice between A or B (and you've chosen A and B).  

Anyway, since you've tried time outs and talking (I do not recommend yelling at someone else's child let alone your own as that just amps up the chaos)

And again, perhaps the mother has ideas for you.

But overall, this doesn't sound like a job that you are very happy at.  good luck

[specialmom]

Hi,  this doesn't sound like a good match of a job with you.  I'm not sure what you mean by punishing since you are yelling and doing time out.  I don't spank my kids either if that is the form of discipline this mother doesn't use and would not condone a babysitter doing so.  

I think the best thing would be to find other employment.  then you'll be less stressed and not feeling like you can't control a child under your care.  

good luck