behavior different after returning from visiting parent

[Jeanne]

I am dating a wonderful man that has custody of his 3 children.  He is doing a great job raising them and instilling good, strong values.  They are well mannered and well behaved.  The problem comes about after the children have been with their mother for a weekend visit.  His daughter, which just turned 7, is very close friends with my 6 yr old daughter.  They get along well, but the first few days after she gets back, she is mean and honestly, just plain nasty.  She calls names, hits, refuses to share and says mean things to hurt my daughters feelings.  This behavior usually ends within a couple of days.  I have found myself staying away for that period of time until it passes.  My boyfriend sees it also and is not sure how to deal with it.  I should add that their mother is a recovering alcoholic and has only just begun visiting with the kids after a long period of not being involved in their life at all.  

Their mother also shares "secrets" with her.  Things such as private matters regarding her dad and marriage.  And she tells her daughter "reasons" why he's not married.  These things first of all are not true, but most importantly are things that should not even be discussed with a child.  This little girl is so confused my heart goes out to her.  She has confided in me about the "secrets" and has also asked if she can call me mommy.  However, in the next breath she says that she doesn't want me and her dad to marry because she doesn't want to lose her mom.  
I have explained that she won't lose her mom and she may call me whatever she feels comfortable calling me.  

I know there are a couple of issues here.  I would appreciate any help you can offer.  I love them and do want to make a life with him and the children, but honestly, that would be the only thing stopping me from going forward.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Jeanne,

As you already have discerned, the little girl's upset occurs secondary to the contact with her mom. Allowing for a brief period of readjustment after such contact is sensible.

From the sound of it, because of her mom's poor judgment re: appropriate topics for communication,the stress is likely to be chronic, rather than time-limited, in nature. Thus, she will need ongoing support.

Sometimes the involvement of a mental health professional on an ongoing basis is useful in such circumstances. Parents, because of their closeness with, and involvement in, the relationships, can offer only so much support and problem-solving. It might be wise to schedule a consultation for you and the girl's dad with a child mental health clinician to discuss the situation and see if such support would be appropriate.

Children whose parents are apart need to develop their own ways of maintaining relationships with, and loyalty to, each parent. The challenge becomes more difficult when one of the parents is involved in a new relationship. It can be hard for a child to accomodate to the parent's new relationship without feeling disloyal to the other parent.

[Paul Walls]

I have a the same type of situation going on, but in reverse, I am married to a wondefull mother of 2 who when being with there dad, seem to be under control with him,but when returned are somewhat controlling to mom as to do this and do that, when my children arrive on that weekend when they are there to be with me the son of my wife is very unrully and can not be controlled, i have tried to bond but in no sight of answer it is not working and it is putting a strain on my new marriage, the son is always finding things to causes trouble over to the point that it is his name heard so many times in a day, it is getting to us old and unnessary,we to are dealing with such and are in the middle of looking into it with a doctor.