behavior problems with daughter

[fatherneedshelp]

I am sorry if this post will seem a bit confused but that is the state of mind I have right now. A bit of backround info, my daughter is 6 and she is very much as it seems about herself. This year in school she was caught after what the teacher figured was a month of asking to put her coat away or getting it because she was cold, stealing food out of other childrens lunchboxes. Ok we dealt with that now move forward, she was very non sharing and bit another boys ear on the schoolground, ok dealt with it, than she took a paper with correct answers into school and copied it on her actual test which the teacher caught, the weird thing is she always got 10/10 on every test but the one right before that where it was 8/10 and we were upset because that entire weeks work was really bad, including writing, math and spelling, but after that it went back to good.
Now at home if she is told to stand in the corner, she will until we arent looking and she sits, or we have her go outside to think about what she has done and tell her not to look in the house, and she looks in the house, if we tell her to run she walks and so on.
She shows no regret when she is bad and seems to show no empathy for someone close to us who just passed. her barbie heads are popped off and there shoes chewed, and she will get this angry blank look on her face that seems to me means i am not listening and i will do what i want.
her maternal mother does have huntingtons and i have considered the possibility of her having jhd but cant find much about it, am thinking of bringing her in for ridline, and oh yeah the biggest part, she was molested by my father starting at the age of 2 or 3 and she was able to be very descriptive EVERY time to all the doctors, lawyers etc. She went to counciling and they figured all was ok. Now if we reward her by letting her go to my wifes parents, she is good there than comes home and acts up, give her a goal and she will be good for that goal than act up after completing it.
I am lost beyond words and my wife is frustrated beyond comprehension as well as myself. People have said she is not right in the head, but i dont quite think that is the case, she does love, and does her chores (maybe not right) but still does them but she is and seems so unhappy.
advice would be great

[specialmom]

Can honestly say I see no description like that in Mammo's comments.  And I thought she gave thoughtful advice from the heart.  

[Angelzheart]

It was your discrpition of her mammo not mine.....

[specialmom]

I agree with Mammo.  From a therapist standpoint, much of the behavior at school that you describe sounds like the remnants of abuse.  She's had a difficult childhood for such a young child and my heart breaks for her.  I think I'd continue counseling for her to sort through what is going on.  Sexual abuse of a young child is very damaging and can have an aftermath for a life time.  Really, it can.  She is not with her mother any longer as well.  Children that have had such volatility and instability in their lives take great patience and time to get on track.  Ritalin or any other ADD/ADHD medication isn't going to help that.  A child may be prescribed that medication if she has been seen by a professional and diagnosed with the true disorder of add/adhd.  I recommend a child psychiatrist and that this not be done until a child is the earliest age of 6.  But no medication is a magic pill to fix behavior.  It is to treat a disorder.  So--------- regardless, you'll have lots of work to do here.

I commend you for caring for this little girl as I  know it is tough.  Done with patience, empathy and love is the best approach to helping her.  Instead of making her STAND in a corner--------- let her sit.  Time out is time out whether you are sitting or standing and I've gotten great results from time out with sitting.  If that is the issue-------- let her sit.  Patience and empathy and picking your battles.  She may do well with choices given too.  You control the choices but she has some control as she chooses.  She is more apt to comply then.  It will take some time for this child to trust you and her current living situation.  After all she has been through, this is understandable.

If behavior continues and the school feels it is appropriate, having her evaluated by speech, occupational therapy and psych would be something I would consider.  Then if she needs a plan at school to be successful, it can be done.  

But therapy is a great idea for this young girl.  Thanks to people like you for taking her in and caring for her.  Best of luck to you.

[mammo]

To: Angelzheart....where do I say or imply she is a monster....these are your words!!!
A child does not always recover this quickly from abuse, and if you think they do, you are very naive and have no idea what you are talking about!  The fact that you show some much anger over my post tells me you have your own issues you are dealing with!  Shame on you for calling this little girl a monster, nobody even implied this!

[Angelzheart]

she is 6 years old and not a monster you make her seem as if she is the fact is what this child is doing is normal.. but if she was 10 and was popping the heads offf her babydolls the i would worry also even pre school children bite and hit they just need guidance and not thought of as (((NOT NORMAL))) if u read what was posted correctly you would see they have addressed the issues in the past and it has been fixed everytime the child is six and still testing what she can and can not do.... i believe they are doing a great job with her and the abuse issues that the child has had in the past seems are being delt with anyways...

[mammo]

No, I don't think ALL of this is normal for your daughter.  She was severely traumatized with the assault and you may need to get her back into counseling.  I feel this is where her anger is coming from.  Some of her actions are normal, some not.  You may have to stay on top of the assault thing for awhile, I just don't believe she has recovered.  When we are traumatized like this and remember it, often we try to forget but all we do is tuck it neatly away.  Sometimes it doesn't reappear until the teens years or early adulthood, and it normally presents itself with anxiety, anger, or depression.  Make sure you have a line of communication with your daughter, for example, sit down with her and in a calm, curious manner  ask what happened to the heads of all her Barbie dolls?  Ask if she was angry and if so why?  It's imperative that you talk to her about her misbehaving as well as disciplining her.  But I honestly feel she is acting out as a result of the assault, and would revisit this.  It's not something a child her age can comprehend, or understand. even more difficult to overcome.  Speaking from experience, I'm not sure you ever quite get over it.  She sounds like a good girl just dealing with something too big for her and all of you.  Take care.

[lisa0122]

Your daughter is 6 years old, she is at a developmental stage  where she is realizing that she is an independant person, can do things how she wants to do them and make her own choices...so its guaranteed that she is going to push limits and test rules and even defy them or as you say walk cuz she wants to rather than run cuz youve asked her or told her too. she is understanding that she has her own mind and capable of doing things her way and she IS going to do it...and see what happens if she does...whether thers a consequens for her actions or non at all. she is learning this way as to waht is good, bad, right or wrong decisions and she is trying to assert herself and see how much control she can have over her own self and behaviour and actions. I think what you say is all normal behaviour in regards to her doing the peaking in from outside time out and sneaking away whe nyour not looking and  walking instead of running...etc. as for the "being mean" part at school and such, i think some kids are just more aggressive than others, or maybe she hasnt discovered yet that this behaviour isnt acceptable behaviour at school (or towards others) and that sometimes isnt easy to teach kids why you cant push someone when theyve pissed you off, right? i mean as adults we all still get that way...we just know we cant push that man that just cut in front of us in line at the grocery store, even though we may want to!  so i think that those things all happen as we grow, we learn eventually that hey, if i do "this" than its going to hurt someone or im going to get punished somehow.  these things we learn over time. And as for the going to grandparents and behaving and coming home and being unruly, well thats normal too, kids are always better behaved for everyone else besides mommy and daddy.  i also think that the no empathy for someone who passed isnt an issue either, yes its sad for everyone but she is only 6 and may not totally understand the concept of dying or death and what that means to her or how it should affect her..or even how it hurts others whe nsomeone dies, she may not realize the whole idea that they are never coming back, a child doesnt totally understand the concept of  time and how long years are and such, like we do.. they live in the moment,in the "right now". we dont.  also the things that happened ot her before may not have anytihng to do with her behaviours RIGHT NOW, kids are sometimes better at letting things go,  especially at her age and it may resurface in later years...especially because of her age she may not have known that it was a BAD thing unti lshe was told it was a BAD thing, if she was tolsd that, as odd as that sounds, we know it is bad and we react to it, at her age whe nit happened she was innocent to it and had no idea what grandpa was doing was not right therfore had no reaction to it...until she is given a way to feel or react by those reactions around her. but again it may resurface later in life. as for the test ...seems she was aiming to please...as you said she was doing great and then had a not so great week, and parents were upset about ...she probebly felt bad that you two felt upset over it and wanted to please you and get perfect again...to make you happy?  
anyways its just my opinion, i think you dont ahve to worry your child is normal, and dont listen to everyone telling you she is abnormal...people love to diagnose and these days they are quick to stick everyone in an illness or syndrome of some sort.  i get your frustration and im sure its tiring, but she seems to be a normal 6 yr old to me....

all the best to you and your daughter!

[gewel1]

My 5 year old acts like that. He is testing my limits and i believe your daughter might be doing that too. Kids around their ages do that. Also, she had some really bad stuff happen to her. She is probably angry about it and that might be making her act out. my son came home from his dads once about when he was 3 almost 4 and told me and his doctors that his daddy choked him. We had to have him put in therapy because he was being mean to kids. Like hitting, biting, pushing kids down the slide at daycare (in a mean way) pulling kids ears...etc. He is outgrowing it but slowly. He still does love to test me and other adults though. Seems very normal to me. :) Have hope. She will outgrow it. Try talking to her about why she is so angry. It might help. I sit down with my son every day to talk about how his day was and if he was bad at school or daycare, we talk about it.

[Angelzheart]

I have taken on many children in the past that have gone past the same things your daughter has some of the children have had more problems then what your daughter has I am sure you and your wife are doing your best the thing is what she is doing is very normal and do not allow anyone to tell you there is something wrong with your daughter like she is not right in the head because in fact she is doing what is normal in a child of her age i know it is very hard for you both but she is really noraml and from what u have said she seems to be very task orianted so go with what u know give her task to do she may just be bored and try to remember how it was for u as a child at 6 they love to test test test and thats what she is doing

[Sandman2]

  Frankly a lot of what you describe sound somewhat normal (at least not abnormal) for a 6 year old.  I will be glad to see how others interpret her actions.  The good news is that for many things it seems like she does respond to consequences when they are done effectively.
  A few thoughts.  I have disciplined a lot of kids has a teacher, vice-principal, and principal.  I never looked for signs of regret or facial expressions.  Simply because I quit early found out they they were never  a good sign of anything.  The kids that showed the most regret were usually faking it.  The kids that looked you seriously in the eyes, couldn't care less.  What does matter  - is how you handle the discipline.  It doesn't matter how they SEEM to feel.  What matters is the end result.
  The end result will be a product of being consistent, being immediate, being fair.  Recognize that to actually change behavior it will take up to three weeks according to experts.
  You seem to be doing timeouts.  I would tweet them just a bit.  I don't like standing in the corner.  A chair in the corner is ok.  Always set a time, and even a timer with an audible alarm.  At this age keep the time short - maybe 6-7 min. (others can help with this).  It is (in my opinion) silly to tell a child not to look in.  That is not the purpose of a timeout, sends mixed messages, and can't be enforced.  I also think that sending someone outside is also futile.  Yes, send them outside to play if you want, but for punishment?  In short - keep it simple and direct - a chair in the corner where a eye can be kept on her.  Keep it short.  Repeat, repeat, repeat if you have to.  And don't let her action get to the point that you are so mad that you need to get her out of our sight.  
  You want her to know that you love her, that no matter how much you love her- if she breaks the rules this will always happen.  Finally, pick just one or two things to work on - and work on it consistently for several weeks.   Good Luck